I can't start to get into it, because i wont get out of it.
focus, stare straight ahead. its all you can do, so welcome it.
stay out of the pit, and this will all pan out.
I've got skills, someone will hire me before i can't pay rent anymore.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
waiting in Calgary Airport YYC.
So, this has been a while.
Blyth has been great, so far... minus a minor detail of learning to live with another person. you actually see their habits... their standard of hygiene, for example. I've watched B shower about once a week for a month now and am thoroughly disgusted with how much he starts to smell down south after about 3 days. *shudder*
but anyway.. we'll pretend I didn't say that, though i really had to get it off my chest haha. ugh. ok so I found out about 2 weeks ago that my Grandpa has cancer. they don't know what kind, because its sort of everywhere. about 7 or 8 different tumors in various parts of his body, and his 5th rib on the left side has been completely eaten away by the largest tumor.
Being the only grandfather I have ever known, and having not been able to see Grandma Godden before she passed away from pancreatic cancer 5 years ago, there was no question that I was spending the money that I don't really have to get my ass out to Campbell River to see my Grandpa before it was too late and I regretted something else in my life.
$870 later, I am now on the return leg of my journey, waiting the layover time in the Calgary airport and wondering how jet lagged i'm going to be tomorrow (today) for work. Also, all that I want right now is a shower and a fresh pair of undies. TMI? maybe, but if you knew how bad I think I smell right now... holy moly. I even bought baby powder and scented hand cream to try and do myself, if not everyone else, a favour. I don't know why, I showered this morning, but I guess I sweated all day in the heat and I'm on my rag so I just feel gross as hell and bloated. its probably just my imagination.
I don't know how I feel right now. Grandpa Laurent is 84 years old... and is an old farmer to the bone. having dealt with life and death all his life, he feels he has lived a good, full life & figures if its his time, its his time. My dad said to me, he can only hope he is half as dignified and brave as Laurent when its his time to die.
The worst part... is there's nothing the doctors can do. except try and make him comfortable. Which isnt too easy. I didnt know the half of it before coming out... but he has been wasting away. he's lost so much weight. He barely eats, about every other day a few cherries and half a banana... an Ensure meal replacement drink... a mouthful or two of gatorade. He just can't stomach it, too much acid and no releif as the morpheine and the other 8billion pills he's on make him constipated. The nurses come to the house 3 times a week... and he shakes. and sweats. and then other times is so cold he looks blue and is wearing 3 layers in the summer heat.
Its been particularly hard on my dad and my auntie Lynda... they can't bear to see him try and do things the way he always has and not succeed. he fell today, just lost his balance out of nowhere. a 6 ft tall old man goes down REALLY fast too... i couldnt even catch him.
we're all trying to be strong about it, because he is being strong about it. it just means ive been trying not to cry.
Brendan and Leigh are picking me up at the airport this morning... I know already the first thing im going to do is burst into tears.
I love you Granddad... I love every piece of wood you have ever touched and made into art. I know you wish you still could, but you would just hurt yourself, without the energy. I took pictures of you and dad in your woodshop so I can always remember you in your element.
i miss you already
Blyth has been great, so far... minus a minor detail of learning to live with another person. you actually see their habits... their standard of hygiene, for example. I've watched B shower about once a week for a month now and am thoroughly disgusted with how much he starts to smell down south after about 3 days. *shudder*
but anyway.. we'll pretend I didn't say that, though i really had to get it off my chest haha. ugh. ok so I found out about 2 weeks ago that my Grandpa has cancer. they don't know what kind, because its sort of everywhere. about 7 or 8 different tumors in various parts of his body, and his 5th rib on the left side has been completely eaten away by the largest tumor.
Being the only grandfather I have ever known, and having not been able to see Grandma Godden before she passed away from pancreatic cancer 5 years ago, there was no question that I was spending the money that I don't really have to get my ass out to Campbell River to see my Grandpa before it was too late and I regretted something else in my life.
$870 later, I am now on the return leg of my journey, waiting the layover time in the Calgary airport and wondering how jet lagged i'm going to be tomorrow (today) for work. Also, all that I want right now is a shower and a fresh pair of undies. TMI? maybe, but if you knew how bad I think I smell right now... holy moly. I even bought baby powder and scented hand cream to try and do myself, if not everyone else, a favour. I don't know why, I showered this morning, but I guess I sweated all day in the heat and I'm on my rag so I just feel gross as hell and bloated. its probably just my imagination.
I don't know how I feel right now. Grandpa Laurent is 84 years old... and is an old farmer to the bone. having dealt with life and death all his life, he feels he has lived a good, full life & figures if its his time, its his time. My dad said to me, he can only hope he is half as dignified and brave as Laurent when its his time to die.
The worst part... is there's nothing the doctors can do. except try and make him comfortable. Which isnt too easy. I didnt know the half of it before coming out... but he has been wasting away. he's lost so much weight. He barely eats, about every other day a few cherries and half a banana... an Ensure meal replacement drink... a mouthful or two of gatorade. He just can't stomach it, too much acid and no releif as the morpheine and the other 8billion pills he's on make him constipated. The nurses come to the house 3 times a week... and he shakes. and sweats. and then other times is so cold he looks blue and is wearing 3 layers in the summer heat.
Its been particularly hard on my dad and my auntie Lynda... they can't bear to see him try and do things the way he always has and not succeed. he fell today, just lost his balance out of nowhere. a 6 ft tall old man goes down REALLY fast too... i couldnt even catch him.
we're all trying to be strong about it, because he is being strong about it. it just means ive been trying not to cry.
Brendan and Leigh are picking me up at the airport this morning... I know already the first thing im going to do is burst into tears.
I love you Granddad... I love every piece of wood you have ever touched and made into art. I know you wish you still could, but you would just hurt yourself, without the energy. I took pictures of you and dad in your woodshop so I can always remember you in your element.
i miss you already
Saturday, May 29, 2010
cotton-eyed joe
So yesterday sarah james & amy helped me carry my bags downstairs and we played some extreme tetris... we managed to fit a bike and about 5 bags in, plus me and james. thank god for his car, the back seat folded down!
After an uneventful, but awesome car ride out to blyth.... here I am, finally.
Farmland. lots of dogs, barns, kids on bikes... trees so green like you wouldn't beleive.
I feel at home already, its pretty fucking fantastic. The house is huuuuuuuuuuge. I will take pictures, I promise. I have to.. its kind of a quaint ranch-like house. Mud room, back room, 2 bedrooms, dining room with fireplace, kitchen, living room, large back deck and front porch, and a sweet 5' ceiling cold cellar underground. I went exploring, and in between the exposed beams and the foundation of the house, I found 2 old antique bug spray pump thingers... like made out of glass and metal. dusty as hell though, for sure. and I found a china plate. its entirely unfinished down there.. pretty cold and buggy but it doesnt bother me at all, I'm just so happy to be here.
being with B again is also fucking amazing. I can tell already its going to be a good summer. I was worried, but there's totally enough room to have space to ourselves. and, today we decorated the house, got groceries, and ate a delicious (local produce! asparagus tastes so good its almost sweet...mmm) meal. and then went for a bike ride... the entire town almost. its THAT small, its friggen unbelievable. It reminds me a lot of Campbell River, BC... or Arnprior, ON.
now we're both playing computer games and listening to the radio. life is pretty sweet with nothing to do today.
I can't wait to start work on Monday. I toured the shop with B briefly when no one else was there, it took all my nerves away :)
i miss those damn cats already damnit!
After an uneventful, but awesome car ride out to blyth.... here I am, finally.
Farmland. lots of dogs, barns, kids on bikes... trees so green like you wouldn't beleive.
I feel at home already, its pretty fucking fantastic. The house is huuuuuuuuuuge. I will take pictures, I promise. I have to.. its kind of a quaint ranch-like house. Mud room, back room, 2 bedrooms, dining room with fireplace, kitchen, living room, large back deck and front porch, and a sweet 5' ceiling cold cellar underground. I went exploring, and in between the exposed beams and the foundation of the house, I found 2 old antique bug spray pump thingers... like made out of glass and metal. dusty as hell though, for sure. and I found a china plate. its entirely unfinished down there.. pretty cold and buggy but it doesnt bother me at all, I'm just so happy to be here.
being with B again is also fucking amazing. I can tell already its going to be a good summer. I was worried, but there's totally enough room to have space to ourselves. and, today we decorated the house, got groceries, and ate a delicious (local produce! asparagus tastes so good its almost sweet...mmm) meal. and then went for a bike ride... the entire town almost. its THAT small, its friggen unbelievable. It reminds me a lot of Campbell River, BC... or Arnprior, ON.
now we're both playing computer games and listening to the radio. life is pretty sweet with nothing to do today.
I can't wait to start work on Monday. I toured the shop with B briefly when no one else was there, it took all my nerves away :)
i miss those damn cats already damnit!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
going to shoot these cats....
not much to say about ottawa... my parents suprised us all. they shook hands on friday. they chatted. at the wedding, they voluntarily sat together and the four of them all talked. when they left, my dad gave my mom a hug, and my mom gave my stepmom a hug. my eyes just about bugged right out of my skull, i'm sure.
it was a great party, anyway! camping out was fun too. so sore though. my back and thighs are just aching.
Island today was great, amy and sarah and i had a picnic & tanned naked on the clothing optional beach. hells yes.
so my G test is tomorrow morning at 10. I just went to crawl into my bed, which i have been looking forwards to, to rest my aching back and legs.. and.. BAM. something is wet. not just wet, but cat-pee-smelly.
yup. some feline piss basket strikes again.
so its the couch for me tonight. Im so sick of this, laundering allll my bedding costs so much money in the machines in my building. but if i dont want it to smell.. i have to. and fucking hell, why dont they pee on anyone else's bed? Sarah wants us to move the litter into my washroom again... but FUCK that, they seem to think the litter box is my bed already, and moving it closer is not happening. im supposed to leave my door open all summer for them to just pee as they like? no one will be in there to notice if it happens, as I never notice until im abotu to crash lovingly into it. FUCK
i love my cats, i do, but i fucking hate spraying. I am dousing this bed in fucking vinegar ASAP tomorrow.
after i get up go to the ATM for cash and have my drivers test tomorrow. and bake cookies with shera.
theree... this kind of helped diffuse the anger i am feeling... im not such a tightly wound coil now. still pissed off though; I woke amy up just to tell her, because i dont think its fair that they rain on only my parade every damn time.
stupid cats!!!!
theres this stuff i need called SCOE10X that you can only buy in the states but it removes EVERY odour, EVERYTHING. and stain. blammo. hey leighan, wanna ship me a bottle? lol
it was a great party, anyway! camping out was fun too. so sore though. my back and thighs are just aching.
Island today was great, amy and sarah and i had a picnic & tanned naked on the clothing optional beach. hells yes.
so my G test is tomorrow morning at 10. I just went to crawl into my bed, which i have been looking forwards to, to rest my aching back and legs.. and.. BAM. something is wet. not just wet, but cat-pee-smelly.
yup. some feline piss basket strikes again.
so its the couch for me tonight. Im so sick of this, laundering allll my bedding costs so much money in the machines in my building. but if i dont want it to smell.. i have to. and fucking hell, why dont they pee on anyone else's bed? Sarah wants us to move the litter into my washroom again... but FUCK that, they seem to think the litter box is my bed already, and moving it closer is not happening. im supposed to leave my door open all summer for them to just pee as they like? no one will be in there to notice if it happens, as I never notice until im abotu to crash lovingly into it. FUCK
i love my cats, i do, but i fucking hate spraying. I am dousing this bed in fucking vinegar ASAP tomorrow.
after i get up go to the ATM for cash and have my drivers test tomorrow. and bake cookies with shera.
theree... this kind of helped diffuse the anger i am feeling... im not such a tightly wound coil now. still pissed off though; I woke amy up just to tell her, because i dont think its fair that they rain on only my parade every damn time.
stupid cats!!!!
theres this stuff i need called SCOE10X that you can only buy in the states but it removes EVERY odour, EVERYTHING. and stain. blammo. hey leighan, wanna ship me a bottle? lol
Sunday, May 23, 2010
TWLOHA
I have to tell myself this every day. constantly battling, constantly worrying, constantly upset.
You matter very much.
i hope you know you're not the only one who feels the way you feel. You are not the only one who struggles. You are not the only one with questions. You are not crazy. You deserve to be heard, to be known. You deserve love.You deserve love.
You deserve a place that feels like home. You deserve some hands to hold. Hands to pull you past the broken moments, hands to catch you when you fall. Eyes to see you. To say you're there, that you exist, that you change a room, that your presence is significant. Ears to hear you - hear your stories, hear you laugh. Ears to hear your questions and to say they matter.
Your questions matter.
Maybe call a friend today or invite someone to coffee. Tell someone they matter or tell someone you could use a conversation. Write a letter or ask someone how they're doing. Like a song too much. Feel the drums or get lost in the chorus. It means that you're alive.
It's good that you're alive. Who else could play your part?
i hope you get to a place, wake to a day, where that feels true. You deserve to know it's true.
To Write Love on Her Arms is a community of people with questions and struggles. It is for broken people and it is led by broken people. Life is heavy and light. Life is both. Beauty and pain, aches and dreams... We are saying that it's okay to talk about those things. We are saying that we need to. We are choosing to believe that stories deserve better endings. That hope is real, that help is real, that people need other people.
You are not alone today. You matter very much.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
to Clyde
I am supremely lucky you are so forgiving.
i know words don't ever suffice, which is ok because
I am speechless that you are still waiting for me with open arms
only two weeks.
love,
Bonnie
i know words don't ever suffice, which is ok because
I am speechless that you are still waiting for me with open arms
only two weeks.
love,
Bonnie
Friday, May 14, 2010
ssssssssssssugar.
B can't make it to the wedding...too much $ for two days of travel and 1 day of event, which i totally supported him in deciding, because its a lot of money and time for something not even his family. '
It just sucks so much because I really could have used him there as moral support, since I'm playing buffer between my mom and my dad at the dinner at emily's parent's place on friday and throughout the weekend.
This is the first time the two of them will be in the same room in four years, when they divorced.
which, for brendan, isnt a big deal. "if it makes you feel any better, my parents haven't been together my whole life & they manage just fine"
well, its different. they had a relationship of varying quality for 22 years, through many shit storms and crises and good times, and then finally they both fucking blew up, and haven't talked to one another except through lawyers since.
this is not going to be so peachy.
if you can call the relationship between B's parents healthy... if anything, my experience there this christmas with his mom and dad together freaks me out even more.
He just doesnt get that this is so BIG to me. like. a) first child's wedding for our stupid little family. wedding for the second youngest cousin on my dad's side. b) first contact post-divorce c) now i have to go STAG to my brother's wedding. stag! what the bloody fuck, when I asked him a year ago if he'd be my date.
nick even offered to still go, but i told him months back that I had someone else as a date.
maybe I should take him up on that...
fuck
at least Carter & jess button say I can sleep in the "single" ladies tent with them... so I don't have to bear my mother's suggestions to stay with the geriatric squad at the hotel.
fuck.
I wouldnt be so frustrated if he'd just sound more appologetic and promise to make it up to me.
instead he's just like "I can' do it... i tried... but i can't." and because I'm a wonderful, understanding person (girlfriend) I said its ok, and that it makes total rational sense, because it does that its too far, for too much.
but irrationally, I'm hurt by him not being there with me, to meet my family & in-laws and just fucking BE THERE as my boyfriend and best friend and support.
even though i SAY its cool, obviously it fucking isnt. but there's nothing he can do. so instead i'm just depressed & upset and miserable about my long weekend.
I wish i was going up to Drew's cottage with everyone else...
I'm going to go cry and smoke a bowl and try and calm down... augh
It just sucks so much because I really could have used him there as moral support, since I'm playing buffer between my mom and my dad at the dinner at emily's parent's place on friday and throughout the weekend.
This is the first time the two of them will be in the same room in four years, when they divorced.
which, for brendan, isnt a big deal. "if it makes you feel any better, my parents haven't been together my whole life & they manage just fine"
well, its different. they had a relationship of varying quality for 22 years, through many shit storms and crises and good times, and then finally they both fucking blew up, and haven't talked to one another except through lawyers since.
this is not going to be so peachy.
if you can call the relationship between B's parents healthy... if anything, my experience there this christmas with his mom and dad together freaks me out even more.
He just doesnt get that this is so BIG to me. like. a) first child's wedding for our stupid little family. wedding for the second youngest cousin on my dad's side. b) first contact post-divorce c) now i have to go STAG to my brother's wedding. stag! what the bloody fuck, when I asked him a year ago if he'd be my date.
nick even offered to still go, but i told him months back that I had someone else as a date.
maybe I should take him up on that...
fuck
at least Carter & jess button say I can sleep in the "single" ladies tent with them... so I don't have to bear my mother's suggestions to stay with the geriatric squad at the hotel.
fuck.
I wouldnt be so frustrated if he'd just sound more appologetic and promise to make it up to me.
instead he's just like "I can' do it... i tried... but i can't." and because I'm a wonderful, understanding person (girlfriend) I said its ok, and that it makes total rational sense, because it does that its too far, for too much.
but irrationally, I'm hurt by him not being there with me, to meet my family & in-laws and just fucking BE THERE as my boyfriend and best friend and support.
even though i SAY its cool, obviously it fucking isnt. but there's nothing he can do. so instead i'm just depressed & upset and miserable about my long weekend.
I wish i was going up to Drew's cottage with everyone else...
I'm going to go cry and smoke a bowl and try and calm down... augh
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
tick tick tick
im hoping this i what you needed, some time & space to genuinely get away. two weeks on your own to build up that feeling that you miss me.
Got my nails done, got drunk, got crunk, got fucked up, painted pictures & made salad & had a party. I love my ladies <3
I just hope whatever confinement you were feeling is gone now. maybe itll rekindle your desire for me in your bed. or not...i suppose..
im so tired.. 11 am i think i'll go back tobed. sleeping the days away, in protest to how unsexy I feel. cramps kicking my ass, & unflatteringly bloated & retaining water. ugh.
i read that the "honeymoon" phase is over. i cried.... I want to be your moon & stars still.
Got my nails done, got drunk, got crunk, got fucked up, painted pictures & made salad & had a party. I love my ladies <3
I just hope whatever confinement you were feeling is gone now. maybe itll rekindle your desire for me in your bed. or not...i suppose..
im so tired.. 11 am i think i'll go back tobed. sleeping the days away, in protest to how unsexy I feel. cramps kicking my ass, & unflatteringly bloated & retaining water. ugh.
i read that the "honeymoon" phase is over. i cried.... I want to be your moon & stars still.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Now for something completely different
I quit Starbucks, my last shift is on sunday (mothers day)
B and I are for sure living together for the summer in a house with the ASM & her golden doodle puppy, Tucker. on Hamilton St. in Blyth.
Blyth is literally about the same size as my hometown. oh boy... I am ready to kick it in the dirt & fields.
Packing list:
Cowboy boots - check
plaid shirts - check
jeans - check
B's poncho- check
scarves - check
BUG SPRAY - super fucking check.
Bug bite cream & saran wrap - also super fucking check.
I'm excited. SO excited actually.
B and I are really good now.. after much discussion & tears.
I can't wait until he leaves, oddly enough... because it will be 2-3 weeks before we see eachother, and I think that will be amazing for our relationship, to renew that "omg I need to see you" since we've been sleeping in the same bed every night for the last 2-3 weeks practically, minus my big-girl break when i was mad lol.
Mike & Subi's Stag & Doe was awesome, might I add. It was nice to be able to have fun, talk to different people, etc and then go home with someone. I would just like to thank my lucky stars once again that i realized I was getting fenced in by nick. picket fencing.
B and I are happy enough just being partners in crime. Marriage? psffhh... both of us have seen what that does to people....especially our parents! fuck that (for now) I want to just live life and enjoy. :)
We've built eachother a home in our hearts and thats all we need, just the two of us.
B and I are for sure living together for the summer in a house with the ASM & her golden doodle puppy, Tucker. on Hamilton St. in Blyth.
Blyth is literally about the same size as my hometown. oh boy... I am ready to kick it in the dirt & fields.
Packing list:
Cowboy boots - check
plaid shirts - check
jeans - check
B's poncho- check
scarves - check
BUG SPRAY - super fucking check.
Bug bite cream & saran wrap - also super fucking check.
I'm excited. SO excited actually.
B and I are really good now.. after much discussion & tears.
I can't wait until he leaves, oddly enough... because it will be 2-3 weeks before we see eachother, and I think that will be amazing for our relationship, to renew that "omg I need to see you" since we've been sleeping in the same bed every night for the last 2-3 weeks practically, minus my big-girl break when i was mad lol.
Mike & Subi's Stag & Doe was awesome, might I add. It was nice to be able to have fun, talk to different people, etc and then go home with someone. I would just like to thank my lucky stars once again that i realized I was getting fenced in by nick. picket fencing.
B and I are happy enough just being partners in crime. Marriage? psffhh... both of us have seen what that does to people....especially our parents! fuck that (for now) I want to just live life and enjoy. :)
We've built eachother a home in our hearts and thats all we need, just the two of us.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
always waiting on you
baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
thats what I feel like right now. I've been so productive... booked my G road test for may 26th... did my laundry....including all the blankets and sheets and mattress cover some cat peed on. I sprayed the bed with apple cider vinegar so the cats will (hoepfully) leave it alone.
Yesterday the roomies and I went to IKEA, bought a bookshelf.. a 6 foot tall mammoth fucking 80 Lb bookshelf that I muscled home... and some other things for the house.. like a pedal garbage can, a bag bin for under the sink, drawer organizers, magnetic knife rack etc.. good day. long day. I finally have almost finished putting away my clothes. I've been living out of suitcases for the past week and a half, it hasnt been kosher to my sanity. Or the cats, for that matter. they are wigging out still from the move, trying to mark everything as it comes out of boxes before Amy's cat max does.
there has been many a stand-off in the hallways, or between couch wings. friggen cats. love em.
This time, I wont take it. how do you not know what "make love" means. its just different. tender, completely focused on one another... i don't know how to explain it, but I've definitely had it before. I can tell you what it isnt. Its not "oh im horny, i just want to get off" and its not a romp around the room for fun. I mean it is fun.. but its also special. you're special. special to me, and I just want to make you feel this way. but at every turn, you block my advances. First it was that you were tired all the time. then it was that you just aren't horny a lot. you don't respond to kisses on your neck or ears.. you push my hands away when they wander. you don't like to be tickled lightly. so I changed tactics, I tried scratching you with my nails, telling you dirty stories, sending you naughty messages and pictures. or flat-out telling you that I needed you right there, right then...because hinting does zero good...which also didn't have any of the desired effects on you.
How can I enjoy myself and have fun with you if you won't let me play? You ALWAYS move away, cover up, or whine about whatever it is I try.
which screams to me, "don't touch me!!" so I didnt. I held my hands and bit my lips and even stopped trying to, somehow, send you psychological signals. I let another month go by, waiting.
what am I greeted with?
pretty much nothing. the rare occasion you have had sex with me, you always pull me on top, and whine when I want to switch things up. or I get woken up to you having fun with yourself, and your plaintive moaning for me to touch you or suck you, and really? I'm fed up. Even the morning after our blowup, you asked for a blowie.
Wanna know the last time you went down on me? about 5 months ago. maybe. I can't remember, because its been so long. how about the last time you just needed me, needed to posess me and have me naked right away?....now that I really cannot recollect.
because it never happens.
I am unsatisfied. I am left to pleasure myself with what little arousal I retain after experiencing treatment that makes me want to cry and scream and demand an explanation... which I don't... I just keep trying to talk about it... it keeps landing on deaf ears, and I keep waiting.
you're darn right you owe me a long talk and explanation. and I'll wait until you can give me the undivided attention. but I sure as hell am not coming over until we talk.
do you know that I am struggling to retain my self-confidence because of this? Like... I am a confident woman. but its hard to be confident when your own boyfriend won't have sex with you. no matter how alluring or cute you look. no matter how much you flaunt yourself to him privately, and no matter how much you attempt to cover up so maybe, just maybe, he'll miss seeing you naked and want you.....a committed, serious relationship without sex just doesnt make sense to me.
so maybe you think of sex as a bodily function. that doesnt mean it can't be a pasttime...and it doesnt mean you can't enjoy it. Oh wait.. no, apparently it does mean you can't enjoy it because after all sex with the same person more than once is boring, right? thats what you said when I asked why we used to then, if you don't enjoy it so much. because it was new, you said. what, like uncharted territory?
I feel that you've laid your claim on this celestial being only to divert your technologies elsewhere and leave it, covered in the dust and dirt of time, lonely and forlorn because other stars are getting attention.
have I painted a clear enough picture? maybe this time you will get it. I've stuck around for a year now so obviously I want to make this work. but every damn time, you try and show appreciation in other ways.. which is great and all, but I love you no matter what you do for me, I just want you to want me.
I will do anything, really. if its spice you need, just ask or tell me. but I'd be surprised, since you won't go for any of my ideas.
To put it bluntly, a healthy sex life in a monogamous relationship should be, in my opinion, 2-5 times a week and preferrably a lot fucking more. god, just sex me up steadily for a bit and maybe i'll get sick of it and then you can have all the non-existent-sex you want.
I no longer feel like a sex fiend from the lack of your attentions, I feel like a failure. all my arsenal of womanly charms have fucking failed or blown up in my face. you love me? SHOW me by listening to what I've been trying to tell you.
I'm not going to be here forever if this doesnt get better. Its not change, its adaptation. In a relationship, each partner needs to bend towards the other person to meet in the middle, and I'm ready to snap in two from trying to reach you.
thats what I feel like right now. I've been so productive... booked my G road test for may 26th... did my laundry....including all the blankets and sheets and mattress cover some cat peed on. I sprayed the bed with apple cider vinegar so the cats will (hoepfully) leave it alone.
Yesterday the roomies and I went to IKEA, bought a bookshelf.. a 6 foot tall mammoth fucking 80 Lb bookshelf that I muscled home... and some other things for the house.. like a pedal garbage can, a bag bin for under the sink, drawer organizers, magnetic knife rack etc.. good day. long day. I finally have almost finished putting away my clothes. I've been living out of suitcases for the past week and a half, it hasnt been kosher to my sanity. Or the cats, for that matter. they are wigging out still from the move, trying to mark everything as it comes out of boxes before Amy's cat max does.
there has been many a stand-off in the hallways, or between couch wings. friggen cats. love em.
This time, I wont take it. how do you not know what "make love" means. its just different. tender, completely focused on one another... i don't know how to explain it, but I've definitely had it before. I can tell you what it isnt. Its not "oh im horny, i just want to get off" and its not a romp around the room for fun. I mean it is fun.. but its also special. you're special. special to me, and I just want to make you feel this way. but at every turn, you block my advances. First it was that you were tired all the time. then it was that you just aren't horny a lot. you don't respond to kisses on your neck or ears.. you push my hands away when they wander. you don't like to be tickled lightly. so I changed tactics, I tried scratching you with my nails, telling you dirty stories, sending you naughty messages and pictures. or flat-out telling you that I needed you right there, right then...because hinting does zero good...which also didn't have any of the desired effects on you.
How can I enjoy myself and have fun with you if you won't let me play? You ALWAYS move away, cover up, or whine about whatever it is I try.
which screams to me, "don't touch me!!" so I didnt. I held my hands and bit my lips and even stopped trying to, somehow, send you psychological signals. I let another month go by, waiting.
what am I greeted with?
pretty much nothing. the rare occasion you have had sex with me, you always pull me on top, and whine when I want to switch things up. or I get woken up to you having fun with yourself, and your plaintive moaning for me to touch you or suck you, and really? I'm fed up. Even the morning after our blowup, you asked for a blowie.
Wanna know the last time you went down on me? about 5 months ago. maybe. I can't remember, because its been so long. how about the last time you just needed me, needed to posess me and have me naked right away?....now that I really cannot recollect.
because it never happens.
I am unsatisfied. I am left to pleasure myself with what little arousal I retain after experiencing treatment that makes me want to cry and scream and demand an explanation... which I don't... I just keep trying to talk about it... it keeps landing on deaf ears, and I keep waiting.
you're darn right you owe me a long talk and explanation. and I'll wait until you can give me the undivided attention. but I sure as hell am not coming over until we talk.
do you know that I am struggling to retain my self-confidence because of this? Like... I am a confident woman. but its hard to be confident when your own boyfriend won't have sex with you. no matter how alluring or cute you look. no matter how much you flaunt yourself to him privately, and no matter how much you attempt to cover up so maybe, just maybe, he'll miss seeing you naked and want you.....a committed, serious relationship without sex just doesnt make sense to me.
so maybe you think of sex as a bodily function. that doesnt mean it can't be a pasttime...and it doesnt mean you can't enjoy it. Oh wait.. no, apparently it does mean you can't enjoy it because after all sex with the same person more than once is boring, right? thats what you said when I asked why we used to then, if you don't enjoy it so much. because it was new, you said. what, like uncharted territory?
I feel that you've laid your claim on this celestial being only to divert your technologies elsewhere and leave it, covered in the dust and dirt of time, lonely and forlorn because other stars are getting attention.
have I painted a clear enough picture? maybe this time you will get it. I've stuck around for a year now so obviously I want to make this work. but every damn time, you try and show appreciation in other ways.. which is great and all, but I love you no matter what you do for me, I just want you to want me.
I will do anything, really. if its spice you need, just ask or tell me. but I'd be surprised, since you won't go for any of my ideas.
To put it bluntly, a healthy sex life in a monogamous relationship should be, in my opinion, 2-5 times a week and preferrably a lot fucking more. god, just sex me up steadily for a bit and maybe i'll get sick of it and then you can have all the non-existent-sex you want.
I no longer feel like a sex fiend from the lack of your attentions, I feel like a failure. all my arsenal of womanly charms have fucking failed or blown up in my face. you love me? SHOW me by listening to what I've been trying to tell you.
I'm not going to be here forever if this doesnt get better. Its not change, its adaptation. In a relationship, each partner needs to bend towards the other person to meet in the middle, and I'm ready to snap in two from trying to reach you.
Monday, April 12, 2010
holy sea of cardboard batman
in the new house. new apartment that is. first time living in a high-rise... not sure how I like it yet. my gut instinct is to shriek and loathe the close proximity and lack of air/light/green... but the truth is, we have SO much light facing south and west. and a large amount of air through the balcony if we want it... and we have a plant ledge happening. We have a mini daffodil plant, a strawberry plant, cat grass, Aloe and a barely surviving herb of some kind.
most, if not all, need re-potting into something with a bigger reservoir & more soil/nutrients.
I love gardening... I want to do it all the time. the smell of DIRT really gets me. that fresh, earthy, mossy smell. in spring when its just a little damp or dewey in the morning.
I especially love the feeling of the dirt ad grass and moss under my toes. its rather exciting.
Unpacking is going at a snail's pace... the cats are behaving badly, sam's new home is the kitchen cupboard, and cleo has claimed my windowsill. Amy's cat Max is just about everywhere. he's probably like "what is with these old bitches!?" poor kitten.
I am struggling to finish school. its just not happening with the move and telling my work that my availability was "open"....not a smart choice for getting thigns done, but a smart choice for getting a paycheque...
family was amazing at helping me pack (shera & B), loading and unloading (tim,drew,B, & Steph)(twice). a special thankyou to Steph for making my bed before I crashed on moving day. that was SUCH a comfort. love you <3
as fer the rest of you, I can't wait to have you over to the new place! once we sort-of clear some pathways we'll get to unpacking and then we'll have a Family Dinner! loves it.
hey pen pals, Remember:
Apartment 807.
145 Marlee Ave
Toronto, ON
M6B 3H3
CANADA
p.s. fingers still crossed about blythe.. i had an interview last week!
most, if not all, need re-potting into something with a bigger reservoir & more soil/nutrients.
I love gardening... I want to do it all the time. the smell of DIRT really gets me. that fresh, earthy, mossy smell. in spring when its just a little damp or dewey in the morning.
I especially love the feeling of the dirt ad grass and moss under my toes. its rather exciting.
Unpacking is going at a snail's pace... the cats are behaving badly, sam's new home is the kitchen cupboard, and cleo has claimed my windowsill. Amy's cat Max is just about everywhere. he's probably like "what is with these old bitches!?" poor kitten.
I am struggling to finish school. its just not happening with the move and telling my work that my availability was "open"....not a smart choice for getting thigns done, but a smart choice for getting a paycheque...
family was amazing at helping me pack (shera & B), loading and unloading (tim,drew,B, & Steph)(twice). a special thankyou to Steph for making my bed before I crashed on moving day. that was SUCH a comfort. love you <3
as fer the rest of you, I can't wait to have you over to the new place! once we sort-of clear some pathways we'll get to unpacking and then we'll have a Family Dinner! loves it.
hey pen pals, Remember:
Apartment 807.
145 Marlee Ave
Toronto, ON
M6B 3H3
CANADA
p.s. fingers still crossed about blythe.. i had an interview last week!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
B
only you would look forwards to getting old and wrinkly and grey with me, so we had more time to cuddle.
thanks for being pretty awesome, even if you're not perfect.
now just quit smoking, and things would be PEACHY KEEN!
i promise to try and stop being jealous of those smokes and the people you smoke with.
but you tell all your stories to them and then i get none :( why do you HAVE to have a smoke with coffee? or HAVE to as soon as you come home, or wake up, or before you leave? you should just kiss me instead. its a lot better for you, i promise.
I like it when you smell fresh and not like cigarette in my face. but thankyou for respecting my preferences and keeping your distance until you've drank/eaten something else.
thanks for being pretty awesome, even if you're not perfect.
now just quit smoking, and things would be PEACHY KEEN!
i promise to try and stop being jealous of those smokes and the people you smoke with.
but you tell all your stories to them and then i get none :( why do you HAVE to have a smoke with coffee? or HAVE to as soon as you come home, or wake up, or before you leave? you should just kiss me instead. its a lot better for you, i promise.
I like it when you smell fresh and not like cigarette in my face. but thankyou for respecting my preferences and keeping your distance until you've drank/eaten something else.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
show week
In a matinee right now... AHHH. Show week. I haven't been to any classes! I'm going to be so far behind, especially since I'm going to Ottawa for Easter Weekend and then to Hamilton. BAH. Brendan is, of course, still putting off meeting my father and stepmom and brother. He's been invited to dinner so many times. but, he has to work, so Its not like I can blame him. I just know he's definitely glad he has work as an excuse.
boredddd during the show... yawn. Front of House is the most un-glamourous job ever. yucko. Still haven't heard back from Blythe... fingers crossed like triple times.
I cannot wait until this is over and I can just focus on school assignments that I should be doing right now and on Packing up my mess of a house.
Brendan cooked me breakfast two days in a row now... nom nom nom. Things are really good with him, at least. cha-cha-cha...
He's coming to the play tonight... he refused to show his face in the CFT last night for opening night.. i met him by the bus stop. oh B... one day you're going to have to just suck it up.. oh wait, that's tonight! mwahahaha. and i'm going to kiss him in public and there will be nothing he can do about it, because I said so. shaaa.
I made fun of him last night on the subway for being so twitchy and shy in public about our relationship. he's getting better.. slowly haha
but you know, I told him the other day it was fucking awesome he isn't a clingy boyfriend. He cares, he's just not needy like nick was, which means I don't worry about him while I'm taking care of my life. I think about him, but I don't worry. its so fantastic.
Moving soon... = EEK. I need to somehow pack everything... pack pack pack pack... Hey if anyone wants to visit me and bring me empty boxes, I will feed you tea/coffee and snacks! and bowls! nom nom.
nom.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Wooooahhh Nelly
I have been tres busy. um.. WE GOT THE APARTMENT! we pick up our keys a the end of this month :) and then.. PAINTING PARTY! everyone should come for fun times and painting.
um... yeah..
um... yeah..
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
please please please please please!!
Fingers crossed that this place accepts our rental application. I am concerned our credit checks will suck... or that they will reject us because its 3 girls, not a family... or because the other two are between employment because of school. well, sarah is "working" for her mom, who has a different last name than her..
everything that can be crossed, i'm crossing it!
Also... doubly crossed that maybe, just maybe, these new surprising plans for summer work out. it would be STELLAR. just saying.
also, my boobs are getting bigger. c'est que fuck?
and, the fetish party made me feel so sexy, i'd just like to say! definitely can't help but be confident when everyone around you in near-nude. we should be nearly nudes all the time.
everything that can be crossed, i'm crossing it!
Also... doubly crossed that maybe, just maybe, these new surprising plans for summer work out. it would be STELLAR. just saying.
also, my boobs are getting bigger. c'est que fuck?
and, the fetish party made me feel so sexy, i'd just like to say! definitely can't help but be confident when everyone around you in near-nude. we should be nearly nudes all the time.
Monday, March 1, 2010
mondays are the worst
so i helped travis move a lot of shit from Shithaus to Moodstock... and I scavenged through the remainder for anything I thought looked useful.
Shtef raw... baby girl I tried to grab your art stuff but there was just so much! I did rescue your tri-pod though :) and I definitely scored a couple pairs of shoes....plus some useful fabrics.
I don't know how but that basement still smells like cat pee, because thats all i could smell when I got back to my place form my clothes. Gee-ross.
I am le tres exhausted... EXHAUSTED. i asked B to come up tonight so could just cook, have it ready for when he gets there, and then we can eat and then we can both pass the Fout. it'll be salmon with a rice pilaf... hopefully & some kind of carrots with nutmeg and honey.. or maybe it'll be some kind of salad.. or both? I dont even know.
When did my life become so much about sleep? I've had hardly any lately. squeezing in 4-5 hours a night.
I tried to stay up late to finish my non-profit schedule for theatre management... but I didnt get it done. I just handed in what I did have finished and will re-had it in next week, since we are allowed to do that. the point is t hat I have handed SOMETHING in.
I feel like a zombie..., i am blogging to stay awake in this class. yikes.
Peter McKinnon is trying way too hard this morning, as well...bah.
nap time i think... nappy nappy nappy..
Shtef raw... baby girl I tried to grab your art stuff but there was just so much! I did rescue your tri-pod though :) and I definitely scored a couple pairs of shoes....plus some useful fabrics.
I don't know how but that basement still smells like cat pee, because thats all i could smell when I got back to my place form my clothes. Gee-ross.
I am le tres exhausted... EXHAUSTED. i asked B to come up tonight so could just cook, have it ready for when he gets there, and then we can eat and then we can both pass the Fout. it'll be salmon with a rice pilaf... hopefully & some kind of carrots with nutmeg and honey.. or maybe it'll be some kind of salad.. or both? I dont even know.
When did my life become so much about sleep? I've had hardly any lately. squeezing in 4-5 hours a night.
I tried to stay up late to finish my non-profit schedule for theatre management... but I didnt get it done. I just handed in what I did have finished and will re-had it in next week, since we are allowed to do that. the point is t hat I have handed SOMETHING in.
I feel like a zombie..., i am blogging to stay awake in this class. yikes.
Peter McKinnon is trying way too hard this morning, as well...bah.
nap time i think... nappy nappy nappy..
Sunday, February 28, 2010
what is this dance i'm doing?
AHH
it has been a whirlwind of a last few weeks.
Up down, down down down, DOWN....but now up, and REALLY up.
I might have an apartment on Marlee Ave, near Eglinton West....
I might have a wardrobe job for the summer, which might mean B and I work/live together may-august.
I might be able to QUIT STARBUCKS :D
and I might not get all my homework done unless I get dressed and do that shit right now.
in other news, I'm back up on the higher dose of my medication... thanks, Doc...but it should help with the overwhelming feelings I've been having of conspiracy and guilt and incapability.
I've been packing up slowly... I actually took time to have my yearly pap and such. I wrote a cover letter this morning and emailed Leigh about said possible wardrobe job with my resume.
last night Armour and Jonny B came over after the ensemble kegger and we smoked bowls & watched Zombieland...so good.
im addicted to Happy Island on facebook....
and I'm hungry as hell. so PEACE blogosphere.
it has been a whirlwind of a last few weeks.
Up down, down down down, DOWN....but now up, and REALLY up.
I might have an apartment on Marlee Ave, near Eglinton West....
I might have a wardrobe job for the summer, which might mean B and I work/live together may-august.
I might be able to QUIT STARBUCKS :D
and I might not get all my homework done unless I get dressed and do that shit right now.
in other news, I'm back up on the higher dose of my medication... thanks, Doc...but it should help with the overwhelming feelings I've been having of conspiracy and guilt and incapability.
I've been packing up slowly... I actually took time to have my yearly pap and such. I wrote a cover letter this morning and emailed Leigh about said possible wardrobe job with my resume.
last night Armour and Jonny B came over after the ensemble kegger and we smoked bowls & watched Zombieland...so good.
im addicted to Happy Island on facebook....
and I'm hungry as hell. so PEACE blogosphere.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
hum...summer? almost?
dear planet, hurry up and warm yourself with that global warming, I'm sick of being cold and wet. DO IT.
Dear Brendan, thanks for being awesome and listening when I say there is something wrong. also, thanks for being understanding about when I freak out more than I should over a small thing. Also, you make delicious food and I want you to be my personal chef. ;) and thanks for the foot rub.
dear amy: FEEL BETTER! ruv roooo
dear cats of mine: STOP PUKING, you little furry shit machines! I feed you constantly, clean up after you, and yet you still are on a strike of cuddling me? what gives?
dear homework: FUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU
dear driver's license: magically renew?
dear fridge: please magically refill with fresh produce, love, chanti... without me having to go anywhere and stop homeworking.
dear possible apartment: please be awesome and roach-free...
dear ladies in my life: bitchfest, cookie dough, pot clouds, soontime? please? love you.
Dear boys in my life: lets get hammered and play video games? yea? awesome.
dear feet: please stop being cold.
dear roommates: you all suck. except you, sarah. We had to get rid of the recycling bins because none of you ever took them out. now we're polluting the trash with recycling, and it makes my heart hurt. Also, you all suck at reading the white board. you owe me money, punk.
dear north york: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
dear thorhill starbucks: also fuck you, as I finally have a transfer :D
Dear OSAP: thankyou, I will now be milking you for new shoes and paying off my credit card debt.
Who wants to go shoe shopping with me? I just need regular everyday normal shoes. runners, if you will.
I'm hungry. but no groceries... too busy/too poor.
Dear neighbours: Shut the fuck up and stop cooping your dobermans up inside all day. or maybe, get a BIGGER HOUSE.
Dear townhouse I live in: go to hell, seriously, you just suck.
I'm feeling interesting... busy but relaxed but anxious? weird, I know.
Dear Brendan, thanks for being awesome and listening when I say there is something wrong. also, thanks for being understanding about when I freak out more than I should over a small thing. Also, you make delicious food and I want you to be my personal chef. ;) and thanks for the foot rub.
dear amy: FEEL BETTER! ruv roooo
dear cats of mine: STOP PUKING, you little furry shit machines! I feed you constantly, clean up after you, and yet you still are on a strike of cuddling me? what gives?
dear homework: FUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU
dear driver's license: magically renew?
dear fridge: please magically refill with fresh produce, love, chanti... without me having to go anywhere and stop homeworking.
dear possible apartment: please be awesome and roach-free...
dear ladies in my life: bitchfest, cookie dough, pot clouds, soontime? please? love you.
Dear boys in my life: lets get hammered and play video games? yea? awesome.
dear feet: please stop being cold.
dear roommates: you all suck. except you, sarah. We had to get rid of the recycling bins because none of you ever took them out. now we're polluting the trash with recycling, and it makes my heart hurt. Also, you all suck at reading the white board. you owe me money, punk.
dear north york: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
dear thorhill starbucks: also fuck you, as I finally have a transfer :D
Dear OSAP: thankyou, I will now be milking you for new shoes and paying off my credit card debt.
Who wants to go shoe shopping with me? I just need regular everyday normal shoes. runners, if you will.
I'm hungry. but no groceries... too busy/too poor.
Dear neighbours: Shut the fuck up and stop cooping your dobermans up inside all day. or maybe, get a BIGGER HOUSE.
Dear townhouse I live in: go to hell, seriously, you just suck.
I'm feeling interesting... busy but relaxed but anxious? weird, I know.
Friday, February 12, 2010
yep
because i am a nice girlfriend. even when i have fully all the reason in the world to yell and make a stink, i didn't, and I won't.
Because even though i'm so dissappointed, I can deal with it. I just said whatever and slept on it, because I knew it was going to happen, even when you made it seem like you had some kind of crazy shenannigans planned.
at least I can count on the fact that you'll always be sleepy.
but seriously? I'm never dressing up for you again if this is how it always turns out.
Because even though i'm so dissappointed, I can deal with it. I just said whatever and slept on it, because I knew it was going to happen, even when you made it seem like you had some kind of crazy shenannigans planned.
at least I can count on the fact that you'll always be sleepy.
but seriously? I'm never dressing up for you again if this is how it always turns out.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
oh yeah....
My brother came home to Ottawa today from afghanistan. woo :)
Worked last night 5-10... I guess technically I could have gone out after since i didn't feel like crap.. but... well, I only found out about dance party plans because Becky Grimman came into my store for coffee beforehand and was all "oh shiiiite im going out to dance tonight with cheese & steph and people!!" which kinda made my night a little worse, but i just didn't care enough to get worked up about it. so people have plans together that don't involve me. oh well. go cry about it chantelle.
sometimes I wonder if I its just life that creates the whirlwind that separates me from everyone else or if its just me, building up intangible walls around myself to cope with things as they get sucked into my cyclone, which happen to also block me out from the people I love.
I don't know where my mind is right now.
I'm trying to scrabble to regain some ground after this stomach thing that knocked me on my back for 3 days... I've started my laundry and did dishes finally...
This is the first Superbowl in years that i'm not sitting somewhere watching the TV and drinking beer feeling slightly socially awkward. I'm kind of glad Brendan already had plans to go to Tom's and have a guys night superbowl thing... that way I a) don't have to go b) who am I kidding i would have loved to sit around and be a dude for a night...
I miss being just one of the guys....especially because my "guys" have all moved away. even my "guy" girls have moved elsewhere.... Sarah is really my only friend thats around a lot, we talk as soon as we get home & just explain our whole days to eachother in a venty mess of "i-just-have-to-get-this-out-its-meaningless" while we smoke bowls.
i miss sitting on the couch, smoking myself into oblivion while I watched everyone else interact at newhomefreeland, watching their conquests and antics and escapades... I felt like I began to stop watching and got in on the action, briefly, fleetingly...
fleetingly
I keep trying to make plans with amy and end up having to break them...so its my own fault. just like how I make plans to make plans with steph and shera...but never do. Its a habit I have, of pulling back when I'm not sure if the waters are warm enough. I've done it my whole life... hang on the outside edge of friendships because I'm never sure if they're really...real? I sabotage my own relationships by second guessing them... but I cant be entirely making it up in my head, can I? of course I can, my brain makes up feelings of anxiety and delusion and fear all the time without rational reason. but I feel like sometimes I'm just a convenient playmate....who then, just as conveniently, lets herself fade to sand in the box with the rest of the toys.
Worked last night 5-10... I guess technically I could have gone out after since i didn't feel like crap.. but... well, I only found out about dance party plans because Becky Grimman came into my store for coffee beforehand and was all "oh shiiiite im going out to dance tonight with cheese & steph and people!!" which kinda made my night a little worse, but i just didn't care enough to get worked up about it. so people have plans together that don't involve me. oh well. go cry about it chantelle.
sometimes I wonder if I its just life that creates the whirlwind that separates me from everyone else or if its just me, building up intangible walls around myself to cope with things as they get sucked into my cyclone, which happen to also block me out from the people I love.
I don't know where my mind is right now.
I'm trying to scrabble to regain some ground after this stomach thing that knocked me on my back for 3 days... I've started my laundry and did dishes finally...
This is the first Superbowl in years that i'm not sitting somewhere watching the TV and drinking beer feeling slightly socially awkward. I'm kind of glad Brendan already had plans to go to Tom's and have a guys night superbowl thing... that way I a) don't have to go b) who am I kidding i would have loved to sit around and be a dude for a night...
I miss being just one of the guys....especially because my "guys" have all moved away. even my "guy" girls have moved elsewhere.... Sarah is really my only friend thats around a lot, we talk as soon as we get home & just explain our whole days to eachother in a venty mess of "i-just-have-to-get-this-out-its-meaningless" while we smoke bowls.
i miss sitting on the couch, smoking myself into oblivion while I watched everyone else interact at newhomefreeland, watching their conquests and antics and escapades... I felt like I began to stop watching and got in on the action, briefly, fleetingly...
fleetingly
I keep trying to make plans with amy and end up having to break them...so its my own fault. just like how I make plans to make plans with steph and shera...but never do. Its a habit I have, of pulling back when I'm not sure if the waters are warm enough. I've done it my whole life... hang on the outside edge of friendships because I'm never sure if they're really...real? I sabotage my own relationships by second guessing them... but I cant be entirely making it up in my head, can I? of course I can, my brain makes up feelings of anxiety and delusion and fear all the time without rational reason. but I feel like sometimes I'm just a convenient playmate....who then, just as conveniently, lets herself fade to sand in the box with the rest of the toys.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
self pity party
is what im having right now.
So shock and surprise I have a stomach flu again... I went home wednesday night without going to my painting class, which was stupid because now I'm going to be even more behind than I already was.
but I came home... slithered into bed... and then spent the next 15 hours tossing & turning under my covers in pain & discomfort. Occasionally... like every 3 hours I woke up and ran to the bathroom to be sick everywhere... 96% of the time I made it to some sort of basin... which may or may not have included every plumbing surface in our bathroom... and yet I tried to clean it up in between, too, so there were no nasty surprises for anyone else heh.
So today,.. I wake up... first thing i do? go get sick again. fucking hell... I brought up everything I had eaten yesterday... which was gross as hell...now im bringing up i dont even know what. the non-existent food that should be i my tummy but isnt.
so im still writhing around in my bed, having nightmares and feeling shitty... I didnt go to my classes today, which was balls because I love drawing.. and I had been so proud of myself just the other day for not skipping classes this year.
i worked so hard this past week to finish things that were due.... now i feel like one fucking day and a half has gone by and im behind again. the worst part is ive been working so hard in school, ive slacked on my life.
i havent done laundry in 3 issh weeks... i havent gone grocery shopping in about the same... mostly because ive had no money or time...
but now im sick and home alone & without food gentle enough for my stomach...in my messy room with my messy life staring me in the face like a train wreck.
im the biggest baby ever when im under the weather...
im listening to the thumps and bumps and dogs next door, getting more and more irritated and feeling heartsick for when the noises next door were comforting, kknowing it was B and armour and flu puttering around. just remembering has me crying.... which also reminds me i forgot to take my happy pill today.
im homesick for family. my biological & chosen... i miss everyone terribly.
here i go again, bawling for no reason. i want my brother to come home from afghsnistan.
i want to be able to sit in the same room as my parents....that will never happen again, though i should be used to and over this by now, its been 4 years since the divorce.
my mom used to make me a bed on the bathroom floor when i was sick... even when she was teaching. she still made time for me when i needed her. my dad too used to take my temp and check in on me every few hours... i miss that.
i feel very small and insignificant right now.
why cant i stop crying these days? i used to be so much stronger than this, at managing myself and getting things done & staying happy when i wasnt. now im just a huge sappy baby. fuckit
i sound pitiful to my own ears, i shouldnt want b to be here so badly, but i do, but he cant be, so im not pushing. but im crying anyway like some fucking stupid girl
i dont need him, i just love him, and who we are together. why does that make it feel like i need him. i didnt used to need anyone.
when my parents were around, i didnt fucking need them. when my brother was around, i didnt need him at all.
now everyone is gone and all i can think about is how badly i just want them to be here... or at least for me to be there.
I'm the only Laliberte in toronto, but i feel like im the only one on the planet.
Im the only person on the planet that could feel this crappy about such a stupid little thing as being sick.
sometimes, i really hate myself for what I feel. or think i feel. sometimes, i just really hate myself.
So shock and surprise I have a stomach flu again... I went home wednesday night without going to my painting class, which was stupid because now I'm going to be even more behind than I already was.
but I came home... slithered into bed... and then spent the next 15 hours tossing & turning under my covers in pain & discomfort. Occasionally... like every 3 hours I woke up and ran to the bathroom to be sick everywhere... 96% of the time I made it to some sort of basin... which may or may not have included every plumbing surface in our bathroom... and yet I tried to clean it up in between, too, so there were no nasty surprises for anyone else heh.
So today,.. I wake up... first thing i do? go get sick again. fucking hell... I brought up everything I had eaten yesterday... which was gross as hell...now im bringing up i dont even know what. the non-existent food that should be i my tummy but isnt.
so im still writhing around in my bed, having nightmares and feeling shitty... I didnt go to my classes today, which was balls because I love drawing.. and I had been so proud of myself just the other day for not skipping classes this year.
i worked so hard this past week to finish things that were due.... now i feel like one fucking day and a half has gone by and im behind again. the worst part is ive been working so hard in school, ive slacked on my life.
i havent done laundry in 3 issh weeks... i havent gone grocery shopping in about the same... mostly because ive had no money or time...
but now im sick and home alone & without food gentle enough for my stomach...in my messy room with my messy life staring me in the face like a train wreck.
im the biggest baby ever when im under the weather...
im listening to the thumps and bumps and dogs next door, getting more and more irritated and feeling heartsick for when the noises next door were comforting, kknowing it was B and armour and flu puttering around. just remembering has me crying.... which also reminds me i forgot to take my happy pill today.
im homesick for family. my biological & chosen... i miss everyone terribly.
here i go again, bawling for no reason. i want my brother to come home from afghsnistan.
i want to be able to sit in the same room as my parents....that will never happen again, though i should be used to and over this by now, its been 4 years since the divorce.
my mom used to make me a bed on the bathroom floor when i was sick... even when she was teaching. she still made time for me when i needed her. my dad too used to take my temp and check in on me every few hours... i miss that.
i feel very small and insignificant right now.
why cant i stop crying these days? i used to be so much stronger than this, at managing myself and getting things done & staying happy when i wasnt. now im just a huge sappy baby. fuckit
i sound pitiful to my own ears, i shouldnt want b to be here so badly, but i do, but he cant be, so im not pushing. but im crying anyway like some fucking stupid girl
i dont need him, i just love him, and who we are together. why does that make it feel like i need him. i didnt used to need anyone.
when my parents were around, i didnt fucking need them. when my brother was around, i didnt need him at all.
now everyone is gone and all i can think about is how badly i just want them to be here... or at least for me to be there.
I'm the only Laliberte in toronto, but i feel like im the only one on the planet.
Im the only person on the planet that could feel this crappy about such a stupid little thing as being sick.
sometimes, i really hate myself for what I feel. or think i feel. sometimes, i just really hate myself.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
some day soon i will be satisfies with the abundance of happiness that is thrown my way
some day I will not find a problem in everything
some day I will realize you can't read my mind
some day I will stop listening to the first emotional reaction that comes to me and evaluate situations before I jump off the deep end
some day I will be able to tell you things right when they occur to me instead of letting it simmer for hours and fester until we're practically asleep.
some day I will be able to look back on these years of struggle and laugh because i've beaten it
some day I won't be so messed up inside my head
some day I won't have to feel like the outsider and the other
some day I will not have a monologue running in my head constantly making me doubt everything good.
some day I will beat this
some day I will be able to say I once dealt with manic depression, but now I can recognize my triggers before I lapse.
some day I will be worrying if I've passed this gene on, if my own children will have to deal with thi agony and self doubt all the time
some day I will be free from medication and false wants
some day I will no longer need absolute reassurance all the time
some day I will be able to laugh in the face of doubt and follow my gut instincts, knowing they are right and that I won't get myself into trouble.
some day I won't be a rabid wolf hiding in sheep's clothing
some day I will not find a problem in everything
some day I will realize you can't read my mind
some day I will stop listening to the first emotional reaction that comes to me and evaluate situations before I jump off the deep end
some day I will be able to tell you things right when they occur to me instead of letting it simmer for hours and fester until we're practically asleep.
some day I will be able to look back on these years of struggle and laugh because i've beaten it
some day I won't be so messed up inside my head
some day I won't have to feel like the outsider and the other
some day I will not have a monologue running in my head constantly making me doubt everything good.
some day I will beat this
some day I will be able to say I once dealt with manic depression, but now I can recognize my triggers before I lapse.
some day I will be worrying if I've passed this gene on, if my own children will have to deal with thi agony and self doubt all the time
some day I will be free from medication and false wants
some day I will no longer need absolute reassurance all the time
some day I will be able to laugh in the face of doubt and follow my gut instincts, knowing they are right and that I won't get myself into trouble.
some day I won't be a rabid wolf hiding in sheep's clothing
Sunday, January 31, 2010
hrm
I made headway. I packed up all my books, minus those I might need for these classes still....B can't decide whether he loves me more in the afternoon or underneath the moon, and he doesn't think he ever will (dyawwww....heh) and I'm busting out costume renderings like a madwoman.
I slept in today till 11 instead of getting up at 8... but I figured I needed the sleep. Except now i wasted an hour because my internet wouldnt work and I was running around trying to cycle through the modem and router and blah blah blah and it turns out I just needed to re-enter the network key. figures.
Im kinda pissed... two milk crates I packed my books into have just magically spirited away, leaving all my books on the floor in the living room. Milk crates which, might I add, I rescued from under the stairs of newhomefree in the summer with records in them, and had used as makeshift shelves to tidy the video games and Matty's CDs underneath the entertainment bar. THOSE WERE MINE. its friggen rude to take something without asking.even more rude if someone has packed things in them.
I know its not a big deal, woo, milk crates, but I was proud of myself for getting a leg up on my packing, when i barely have time to take a shit and now all that work is undone.
why? just why?
Matty and Kat have become such hermitty bitches, its unfathomable to me. like... what happened to the courtesy of ASKING? or the idea of personal property? I mean, clearly they are so possesive over their things that Kat has a freak-out if you use her coffee mug, you'd think that would translate into an equal respect for other peoples' property, no? bloody hell.
B and I had a long conversation about the properties of light yesterday.... it was really good. I felt dumb at first, but as we broke it down it made more and more sense... it started as an age-old question that I've pondered in the shower and at night when falling asleep. "Does a light push darkness back when you turn it on, or suck the darkness up?" of course we had to establish that light is radiant energy and dark is a made-up phenomena for us to understand how we see light... and a whole bunch of other things...like everything having an opposite...and exergy (not energy, but exergy)... but "dark" as we think of it cannot exist without light, because dark is created by light, so the two are essentially the same phenomenon, and its not that one holds the other at bay because they are not two opposing forces, so much as a duality that exists so that we can describe what we see.
yeah... blew my mind too.
This is one of my faeries for Midsummers night dream :) Mustardseed (patience)
I slept in today till 11 instead of getting up at 8... but I figured I needed the sleep. Except now i wasted an hour because my internet wouldnt work and I was running around trying to cycle through the modem and router and blah blah blah and it turns out I just needed to re-enter the network key. figures.
Im kinda pissed... two milk crates I packed my books into have just magically spirited away, leaving all my books on the floor in the living room. Milk crates which, might I add, I rescued from under the stairs of newhomefree in the summer with records in them, and had used as makeshift shelves to tidy the video games and Matty's CDs underneath the entertainment bar. THOSE WERE MINE. its friggen rude to take something without asking.even more rude if someone has packed things in them.
I know its not a big deal, woo, milk crates, but I was proud of myself for getting a leg up on my packing, when i barely have time to take a shit and now all that work is undone.
why? just why?
Matty and Kat have become such hermitty bitches, its unfathomable to me. like... what happened to the courtesy of ASKING? or the idea of personal property? I mean, clearly they are so possesive over their things that Kat has a freak-out if you use her coffee mug, you'd think that would translate into an equal respect for other peoples' property, no? bloody hell.
B and I had a long conversation about the properties of light yesterday.... it was really good. I felt dumb at first, but as we broke it down it made more and more sense... it started as an age-old question that I've pondered in the shower and at night when falling asleep. "Does a light push darkness back when you turn it on, or suck the darkness up?" of course we had to establish that light is radiant energy and dark is a made-up phenomena for us to understand how we see light... and a whole bunch of other things...like everything having an opposite...and exergy (not energy, but exergy)... but "dark" as we think of it cannot exist without light, because dark is created by light, so the two are essentially the same phenomenon, and its not that one holds the other at bay because they are not two opposing forces, so much as a duality that exists so that we can describe what we see.
yeah... blew my mind too.
This is one of my faeries for Midsummers night dream :) Mustardseed (patience)
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
poor little tin man, still swinging his axe when his joints are all clogged up with rust
apartment hunting still a flop... everything advertised at low wonderful prices once you call is ridiculous like 800 more. LIARS.
I complain a lot.
I'm getting so sick of the smell that hangs around B after he smokes. the tobbacco. his hands smell. his hair smells. his prized twiddly little MOUSTACHE smells..... it honestly makes me want to puke, it just makes me think of death. it makes me feel suffocated in an open area because I know it hurts my breathing. I like his smell the rest of the time though.....the shirt i'm wearing smells like him.
I have to get two F's removed from my transcript... which requires doctors forms which mean $30 a form. i need two...maybe 3, if i actually want to apply for disability....
fuck this shit, Im happy but angry and feeling absolutely lost.
hello? dear biological family, remember me? my cousin just had a baby, everyone's excited.... i havn't received christmas or birthday cards or phone calls from my dad's side of the family in years now. they dont email either... even the internet-savvy ones. I mean i know everyne has a life too... but I'm the baby of the entire family and it feels like ive been forgotten, again. Does't help none of them are in Ontario.... or even within 4 provinces.... or have ever been,....
I get forgotten a lot, actually...
I don't know how, but it happens.
I don't know how im supposed to act these days when i feel so empty it hurts but everything requires me to be full of life and vigour and optimism.
I don't know why, I feel like a ghost in the machine that is my body.
like i'm haunting.
what do you call a headache that lasts for days without break?
what do you call an ambitious spirit with no drive?
What do you do when you realize you're battling a clock that is moving in double time when you're stuck in the mud?
I'm so lonely sometimes for no reason. I can be in a room full of people, miserable because on the inside I'm alone...
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
whhhelllllll
Today is hump-day. hopefully, that means that this is the start of a better week than the last one i've had.
I'm pretty much exhausted from thinking and feeling and sick of my entire life except for my friends, family, and B.
i cant find another store to transfer to anywhere it seems...I chatted with an old friend yesterday at work, Jordan, who used to work there with me, and he suggested maybe it was the secure job that was holding me back. maybe I need to just leave starbucks altogether, even though its got great perks and a higher-than-starting min wage and stock... and go for a job at a bar or club or something, especially if all my free time is going to be post 10 PM next year.
second, I can't find an apartment... everything is more than sarah and I can afford... and B keeps telling me that I just need to expand my price range... but how can you expand your price range if you don't have money to expand it with? so... I'm really getting depressed about this situation. I contacted all these renting companies that i found in searches for places under $900 a month and they all got back to me saying that a 2 bedroom apartment is more than this stupid shitty townhouse a month. ugh. i should have expected it, really, its just a bummer.
B said he'd love to have me move in with him... but I have two cats that can't.
so.. i guess......does anyone want 2 old, well-loved family cats? thats the problem, is they're family to me. They're really all I have left of that initial "family" idea of my parents and brother all living together and being happy. I mean its kind of unhappy that my parents split and i got sandwiched with the cats in the aftermath, but they have just always BEEN THERE.
these cats have mewed and purred away more tears and panic attacks than I can even remember, growing up and even now. Sam might be a huge bitch in her old age, but she still looks after me in her own way. she still greets me at the door every time!
so yea.... anyone want 2 cats that i can come visit a lot? heh... yeah right...
as for work.. well... i can't find a transfer location, but im also still getting in shit for not working enough because of my availability.. so i gave them a new one... more hours... because I need the money really badly. I made $200 in the last 2 weeks. fucking BRUTAL.
I lost my wonderful furry hat on the Viva yesterday. oh it made me cry. it was so stupid too... I tried to run after the bus... ugh and then i couldn't find a lost and found number for the Viva at all. only automated machines. I ended up spilling my heart out to my manager and co-workers about eeeeeverything in life right now because it just seemed riiculous. but I felt better after I talked about it with other people... it was kind of good.
almost not sick now too! all weekend I slept and played civilization and did homework from brendan's bed, in a Benilyn All-in-one induced stupor. James and Erin and Armour entertained me in the evenings though, it was good. I slept a loooooot. which felt deviously good too, even if I felt guilty for ignoring homework.
I claim I needed it.
but I came back home to dirty dishes and overflowing recycling and garbages and everything else and it just pissed me off again.
so sarah and I tackled the house... and wrangled up tim and went to value village and the metro. successful trip. spent too much money... but Ive felt like SHIT for the last month so I picked up a couple cheap things that made me happy... like a long flowy skirt....and coveralls to wear in the plaster studio...which is really more like a denim catsuit....but its slightly too big so it fits over my clothes. and i bought $40 worth of food...which for some reason i feel bad about? i shouldn't.. but i do... I spend a lot of money on food. Its depressing, because you need to eat. fie.
I'm pretty much exhausted from thinking and feeling and sick of my entire life except for my friends, family, and B.
i cant find another store to transfer to anywhere it seems...I chatted with an old friend yesterday at work, Jordan, who used to work there with me, and he suggested maybe it was the secure job that was holding me back. maybe I need to just leave starbucks altogether, even though its got great perks and a higher-than-starting min wage and stock... and go for a job at a bar or club or something, especially if all my free time is going to be post 10 PM next year.
second, I can't find an apartment... everything is more than sarah and I can afford... and B keeps telling me that I just need to expand my price range... but how can you expand your price range if you don't have money to expand it with? so... I'm really getting depressed about this situation. I contacted all these renting companies that i found in searches for places under $900 a month and they all got back to me saying that a 2 bedroom apartment is more than this stupid shitty townhouse a month. ugh. i should have expected it, really, its just a bummer.
B said he'd love to have me move in with him... but I have two cats that can't.
so.. i guess......does anyone want 2 old, well-loved family cats? thats the problem, is they're family to me. They're really all I have left of that initial "family" idea of my parents and brother all living together and being happy. I mean its kind of unhappy that my parents split and i got sandwiched with the cats in the aftermath, but they have just always BEEN THERE.
these cats have mewed and purred away more tears and panic attacks than I can even remember, growing up and even now. Sam might be a huge bitch in her old age, but she still looks after me in her own way. she still greets me at the door every time!
so yea.... anyone want 2 cats that i can come visit a lot? heh... yeah right...
as for work.. well... i can't find a transfer location, but im also still getting in shit for not working enough because of my availability.. so i gave them a new one... more hours... because I need the money really badly. I made $200 in the last 2 weeks. fucking BRUTAL.
I lost my wonderful furry hat on the Viva yesterday. oh it made me cry. it was so stupid too... I tried to run after the bus... ugh and then i couldn't find a lost and found number for the Viva at all. only automated machines. I ended up spilling my heart out to my manager and co-workers about eeeeeverything in life right now because it just seemed riiculous. but I felt better after I talked about it with other people... it was kind of good.
almost not sick now too! all weekend I slept and played civilization and did homework from brendan's bed, in a Benilyn All-in-one induced stupor. James and Erin and Armour entertained me in the evenings though, it was good. I slept a loooooot. which felt deviously good too, even if I felt guilty for ignoring homework.
I claim I needed it.
but I came back home to dirty dishes and overflowing recycling and garbages and everything else and it just pissed me off again.
so sarah and I tackled the house... and wrangled up tim and went to value village and the metro. successful trip. spent too much money... but Ive felt like SHIT for the last month so I picked up a couple cheap things that made me happy... like a long flowy skirt....and coveralls to wear in the plaster studio...which is really more like a denim catsuit....but its slightly too big so it fits over my clothes. and i bought $40 worth of food...which for some reason i feel bad about? i shouldn't.. but i do... I spend a lot of money on food. Its depressing, because you need to eat. fie.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
law
got the H1N1 shot and the Hepatitis A shot yesterday. almost fainted off the table..but she just had me lay down and breathe through my nose for 20 min and i was ok :)
my arm really FUCKING hurts though. I couldn't sleep last night at all.... I kept wanting to roll over onto it but it would jolt me awake in pain, so B bear-hugged me all night in the opposite direction so i would quit it... because every time I rolled on it i'd yell and curse us both awake heh. then he accidentally elbowed me in the face... jerk! haha. oh well...
I came here yesterday after my tutorial and costuming had been cancelled... I was going to do homework, but got sidetracked because I wanted to tidy things up enough to concentrate on my work...
which then meant picking up clothes and tidying chairs and junk... which then led me to realize I might as well just do some laundry... which, by the way, was justified because 25% of it was my clothing all over his floor haha....
but yay the room is sparkling now, and we folded and put his clothes (mostly) away.. also awesome. and I even washed his TOWELS. that never happens!
anyway...
we had a delicious dinner because B got home early from work. (6 instead of 10!) which was great, but I didn't get any of my homework done because of it too... ah well. you win some you lose some.
howeever I did get a phone call from Sarah telling me that marilyn came by and we're in shit because someone saw our ad for renting the basement bedroom which is apparently illegal and she wanted to inspect the place and marilyn said no, not without 48 hours notice....
and then came to talk to us... and she wants me to call the woman from the city back and lie and say it was all a misunderstanding and that no one lives in the basement.
but if I lie and she is found out anyway, am i fucked for aiding and abetting fraud? if I tell the truth to the lady, am I fucked because Marilyn is then fucked and evicts us all?
ejhwgqlhrgi'oqhgir'gorqng'i
gotta call Emily.. my rental law advisor.. and my dad... my legal advisor... bah...
my arm really FUCKING hurts though. I couldn't sleep last night at all.... I kept wanting to roll over onto it but it would jolt me awake in pain, so B bear-hugged me all night in the opposite direction so i would quit it... because every time I rolled on it i'd yell and curse us both awake heh. then he accidentally elbowed me in the face... jerk! haha. oh well...
I came here yesterday after my tutorial and costuming had been cancelled... I was going to do homework, but got sidetracked because I wanted to tidy things up enough to concentrate on my work...
which then meant picking up clothes and tidying chairs and junk... which then led me to realize I might as well just do some laundry... which, by the way, was justified because 25% of it was my clothing all over his floor haha....
but yay the room is sparkling now, and we folded and put his clothes (mostly) away.. also awesome. and I even washed his TOWELS. that never happens!
anyway...
we had a delicious dinner because B got home early from work. (6 instead of 10!) which was great, but I didn't get any of my homework done because of it too... ah well. you win some you lose some.
howeever I did get a phone call from Sarah telling me that marilyn came by and we're in shit because someone saw our ad for renting the basement bedroom which is apparently illegal and she wanted to inspect the place and marilyn said no, not without 48 hours notice....
and then came to talk to us... and she wants me to call the woman from the city back and lie and say it was all a misunderstanding and that no one lives in the basement.
but if I lie and she is found out anyway, am i fucked for aiding and abetting fraud? if I tell the truth to the lady, am I fucked because Marilyn is then fucked and evicts us all?
ejhwgqlhrgi'oqhgir'gorqng'i
gotta call Emily.. my rental law advisor.. and my dad... my legal advisor... bah...
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
searching for an apartment... definitely can't find anything that i can afford. looking for a 2 bdrm, cat friendly apartment thats under $800 a month. holy crap... I can't even afford to live penny pinching like i do now to make bills and $275/month. I only work 2 shifts a week because Im trying to do good in school. and i jsut found out if i don't start making more than 12 hours a week i'm gonna get fired for bad availability... fuck my life.
I can't afford to live anywhere else.. but I am NOT renting in north york again, and I am NOT living with a shit ton of people again.. I can't stand it anymore. sarah is cool, we've agreed we could handle eachother as a roommate... if only we can find a place.
Nothing available is near central toronto.... or in english...or not a basement...or not in MARKAM...or fucking scarborough.. augh.
this is just depressing.
my love life is amazing....
my cats are worrying me... so sickly-looking compared to the cats I was with over christmas break...
good things are always happening and still I just can't see anything but dollar signs and negative symbols.
and, I have to pee a lot. yeah! there i said it... it bugged me today. still is, because it interrupts what i'm working on, it has been all day. every fucking hour i swear.
shut up, i know i'm a whiny stupid face right now... but it sucks, and its stupid winter. and cold. and gross. and cold. and my boots make my feet hurt and my nose runs and my jacket ripped a little and i STILL have to pee... wahhhh
I can't afford to live anywhere else.. but I am NOT renting in north york again, and I am NOT living with a shit ton of people again.. I can't stand it anymore. sarah is cool, we've agreed we could handle eachother as a roommate... if only we can find a place.
Nothing available is near central toronto.... or in english...or not a basement...or not in MARKAM...or fucking scarborough.. augh.
this is just depressing.
my love life is amazing....
my cats are worrying me... so sickly-looking compared to the cats I was with over christmas break...
good things are always happening and still I just can't see anything but dollar signs and negative symbols.
and, I have to pee a lot. yeah! there i said it... it bugged me today. still is, because it interrupts what i'm working on, it has been all day. every fucking hour i swear.
shut up, i know i'm a whiny stupid face right now... but it sucks, and its stupid winter. and cold. and gross. and cold. and my boots make my feet hurt and my nose runs and my jacket ripped a little and i STILL have to pee... wahhhh
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