poor little tin man, still swinging his axe when his joints are all clogged up with rust

apartment hunting still a flop... everything advertised at low wonderful prices once you call is ridiculous like 800 more. LIARS.


I complain a lot.

I'm getting so sick of the smell that hangs around B after he smokes. the tobbacco.  his hands smell. his hair smells. his prized twiddly little MOUSTACHE smells..... it honestly makes me want to puke, it just makes me think of death. it makes me feel suffocated in an open area because I know it hurts my breathing. I like his smell the rest of the time though.....the shirt i'm wearing smells like him.

I have to get two F's removed from my transcript... which requires doctors forms which mean $30 a form. i need two...maybe 3, if i actually want to apply for disability....

fuck this shit, Im happy but angry and feeling absolutely lost.

hello? dear biological family,  remember me? my cousin just had a baby, everyone's excited.... i havn't received christmas or birthday cards or phone calls from my dad's side of the family in years now.  they dont email either... even the internet-savvy ones. I mean i know everyne has a life too... but I'm the baby of the entire family and it feels like ive been forgotten, again. Does't help none of them are in Ontario.... or even within 4 provinces.... or have ever been,....

I get forgotten a lot, actually...
I don't know how, but it happens.

I don't know how im supposed to act these days when i feel so empty it hurts but everything requires me to be full of life and vigour and optimism.

I don't know why, I feel like a ghost in the machine that is my body.
like i'm haunting.
what do you call a headache that lasts for days without break?
what do you call an ambitious spirit with no drive?
What do you do when you realize you're battling a clock that is moving in double time when you're stuck in the mud?

I'm so lonely sometimes for no reason. I can be in a room full of people, miserable because on the inside I'm alone...




the other day I told him i felt left out, of a lot of things... like people forget I wasnt there when they talk about stuff & "shoot the shit" while smoking...  he told me to come out for a fucking smoke then..... & I got so angry. I CANT.
Its an instant headache, its stupid fucking cold out, gee I don't smoke because i'm asthmatic and its GROSS. Dear Brendan, why do you keep talking about quitting and insinuating a desire to quit, and then make no effort to do so? You don't really want to, you like the stupid nicotine, so why don't you stop letting me think that someday you wont? Its wearisome. I keep waiting for when its not part of your routine to have a smoke every time you have coffee... oh wait... you breathe coffee... so thats ALL THE TIME.
You say you're just so tired. well duh, you're wasting your lungs away, which mean you take in less oxygen, which means you're more likely to be sleepy, which also means you're less likely to be feeling in the mood. plus nicotine kills libido...which is something else that im so sick of dealing with...

and yet i refuse to pressure him, so i dont say anything, I just make faces. and dont kiss him after.
but sometimes i really want a kiss damnit. i just dont breathe while i do it...bah...i'm too weak.