uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so that was christmas.... being up here in Ottawa

has been really good.... until last night...which was christmas night...
i don't even know what to say. had dinner with emily's family christmas eve..played trivial pursuit 90's and cranium.... then breakfast there christmas morning. they opened their presents and stockings (i got kinder surprises in my stocking :)) and watched the hangover....

the plan was to then go to B's for christmas dinner and to stay there for the night...celebrate his birthday in the morning...and then his dad would come to pick us up in the afternoon to go out to his place, in Arnprior... but that didn't exactly,er, happen....

long story short, B's mom doesn't like me. even though I was nothing but respectful and helped out with christmas dinner and washed all the dishes after and everything... she said some very mean, hurtful things to Brendan that he won't tell me.... which I can only imagine, and its not hard to figure out what she said from the general gist of conversation during the day....
She seems to think that Brendan isn't going anywhere with his life...putting down his work and the fact that he didn't finish school...then she asked all kinds of questions about my schooling and life and plans and things.. and basically i'm not good enough for her baby boy who isn't good enough for her.
fucking hell...
So..she said all this to Brendan and more and when he came back downstairs... honestly i have never seen B so angry. he was just shaking everywhere... he called his dad and asked if he could pick us up in the morning and then if we could stay sunday as well because "we are not staying here ever again" (at his mom's)... so when we get back on monday morning he's just going to come chill at emily's will be until we go to the train station...
it was a huge snotfest on a niagra falls scale...and i called emily to come pick me up last night instead of staying over... I just could not stay in his mother's house, with her so clearly hating me, and he didn't want to stay either but it was his birthday in the morning and couldn't do that to her...
I really wish he'd tell me what she said...probably that I'm a fucking stoner loser artsy fartsy deadbeat who's going nowhere fast and will never amount to anything,who's dragging him down and isn't good enough for him, isn't smart enough, won't have a good career, and probably that i'm a whore and whatever else....

She asked when, or if, i was going to graduate, because brendan didn't and I told her politely that I was due to graduate next june, but that a lot of people in our field don't graduate because they end up getting good full time work... and she cut in that brendan' doensn't work full time. I said that he got a lot of calls. and she said yes, by working very hard he got "gigs" "moving around furniture and things"... and i told her it was more than that, basically just being a part of makings hows happen. that you don't need a degree these days for what we do, its if you have the talent and the passion for it... and she said in her opinion you didn't get a good job without a degree... and i said in that vein, for a "good" job, you need three degrees and that it wasn't reasonable. she didn't say anything else for a while. But fuck, i'm not going to sit there while she bashes what brendan loves to do.. which is make plays. he doesn't care what it is he's doing, as long as he's making them happen. and shit, bitch, how  can you not see that your son is made HAPPY by what he loves and is doing what he loves? that should be good enough for her, but it isnt. he isn't good enough in her eyes, and neither am I, and i am really mad.
some people just don't GET it... there is a difference between being rich and being happy. I would rather be happy in my life and relationships than richer than everyone else. I consider myself rich in friendships and rich in the love that i get to share with everyone all the time...
I'm putting myself through school because my parents can't afford it, and i've worked my butt off to get into a program people said i wasn't cut out for, i'm supporting myself and i'm enjoying it. it has its moments, but i'm enjoying it.
stupid fucking people.... life isn't just about getting a degree and a desk job that pays you a salary.
its about living and enjoying it and frankly, i don't think his mother is anyone to judge. a) she seems bitter and kind of unhappy. b) she couldn't even manage to have a happy relationship with brendan's father, so how can she tell B i'm not good enough, when he's grinning from ear-to-ear at me all the time? more like she's jealous that he gets along with me and not her... jeeze.
of course i don't actually KNOW any of this.. this is just me venting about a horrible situation that shouldn't have happened on christmas.
My sister-in-law picked me up and we pulled into the empty parking lot ( i have never seen a closed mcdonalds before) and cried for half an hour. Me because i had been trying really hard not to bawl in the house, and her because she had sped to brendan's imagining the worst (that he had broken up with me on christmas and she wanted to punch him) and thinking that my brother was going to kill her when he got home...and then she decided she was never having kids because she didn't want to have to get that "um...can you please come get me" phone call from her daughter EVER.
sister bonding, i guess? we ate cookies and I vented and then she made me laugh again and we went home. Brendan gave me all the pot. so when we got back i smoked the hugest bowl to my face and passed out.

I had nightmares...but the crazy cats chased them away in the morning. oiy.

So now its B's birthday... and he loved the ring and card :) and i'm waiting for him and his dad to come get me... and i'm hoping he's ok because last night he was a wreck.

p.s. his mother had the audacity to say she couldn't beleive he sent me home "just because of that"....
Woman? you are either crazy or not taking your medication. holy crap.

I've never had someone's mom not like me before!.... parents usually love me!.. jeeze... yeah....

choo-choo

I am most definitely on the train to Ottawa right now....SO hungry.... but they're having a problem with their satellite signal, so all WI-FI is complementary right now. WOOT! fucking woot!  basically I'm getting to surf the interwebs while moving... this never happens!

I just spent the weekend at my Dad's, and boy was that good. yeah! things aren't so difficult these days... I only had to do damage control once this time, and thats when showing wedding pictures from Andrew & Em's, and my dad saw that my mom was there.  he figured she was invited and not him... yikes... no, she kinda invited herself, to be honest. that's how that one happened... oiyvey.

But it really was good... Sharon clucked over my hair when she found out a) i forgot my brush, and b) hadn't had it trimmed or cut in almost a year. She also insisted that I couldn't go out with wet hair and therefore sat me down, and played with it before we ran errands. I love having people play with my hair....well, she had an appointment scheduled already at Cavalier, the salon attached to her work, Marquis, so she called and booked me a trim...wheee....now my hair feels pretty, and I have bangs again :) hoorah!
Sharon is an amazing chef..... and baker... she baked up a storm for christmas. Rocky Road: marshmallows on top of Chex cereal all coated with fudge sauce and then drizzled with more chocolate... Pistachio Toffee Bark: Graham Cracker crust, toffee, chocolate, sprinkled with pistachios.... Rum cinnamin caramel popcorn (self explanitory)... Chocolate-dipped marshmallows drizzled with white chocolate...
I could go on, but wouldn't want to expose all her secret recipes hehehe...
moral of the story is YUM
I think Lil E and my stepmom would get along great!
of course I got sent home with LOTS mwahahaha... time to get fat after christmas.
I also sewed 6 bread-warming bags... the bottoms are filled with flax seeds, you put them in the microwave or oven for a few minutes and then put your loaf of bread inside, and it keeps it warm all through dinner. pretty cool, if you ask me! However, a pain in the kester to sew the bottoms on.... grrrr... but it was fun.
I slept beside a fireplace all weekend... and got to give lots of loving to the dogs.

Now I'm on a train headed to Ottawa (free WIFI) munching chips... AMAZING chips... ones that I have recently discovered. the President's Choice Greek feta, olive, & oregano flavour. NUMMY! salty but cheesy, hell yeah.

I have forgotten my cell phone in T-dot...this should be good for me. a week without a mobile in my pocket. It's just going to be hella difficult to contact B to meet up in Ottawa... shit. ah well, I'm sure we'll manage. I enjoy putting out telepathy to the test hahaha....

I got leighann's christmas card today! thanks honey! and last week amy gave me her FANTASTIC kiss-filled card. I hear Lil E's package arrived at the boys' manor, but none of us are there to enjoy it yet, so it awaits us on the 28th :) AND SO WILL SHE!!!
mew.
i have to pee pretty bad... I think I'll pack up all my shtuff and attempt to make my way to the back of the car...

wish me luck ;)

oh p.s. ITS ALMOST FRIGGEN CHRISTMAS!!!

I am SO fucking Angry...

I am seething. furious. absolutely enraged right now.  I can't even think because i'm too busy biting my lips so hard so I won't freak out on Kravis right now.
I come downstairs this morning to make myself a tea.... no, you know what I'll start form the beginning.

Yesterday I came home from Amy's (art party!) and was unpleasantly surprised by the fact that no one had cleaned up anything-- we have a girl coming tonight to look at the room.
So... what else is new, right? no one cleans.
I buckled down and gave this place an overhaul. I vaccumed, I wiped, I swept and swiffered, I dusted the ceiling fan and de-cob-webbed every ceiling and corner. I de-cluttered the living room, I sat down and de-tangled every video game controller, every wire, I dusted and put away every single game that wasn't in its case. I don't even PLAY the video games.
I threw out garbage from every room of the house. I scrubbed toilets and did dishes and basically worked until I felt dizzy because i'm fucking SICK. Sarah came home when I was almost done and helped out.. but besides that... no one. nothing. nadda.

So, whatever, ok, maybe we're the only ones that were not at work or actually care... but I get up this morning and come downstairs to make myself a cup of tea because I've had the worst sleep ever, coughing up a yak...

Only to find the living room is totalled... garbage and dishes strewn around, and when I go into the kitchen I see all my hard work--gone.
there is a fine white powdery dust coating EVERYTHING. the coffee station, the counters, the floor, the tables, the stove, on top of the kettle, the butter, the bread, EVERYTHING is covered in a white powder.

I freaked. I went down and asked Kravis what the hell happened.. he said he didn't know. and then... then he comes upstairs and tells me its Fire Extinguisher.
yeah.'
fire extinguisher.
I asked if there was a fire.. he says no.. I asked what the hell happened.. he says he just told me. vo;aefhiog;pehryLAIUGQQQQ
his friend, Thomas, tells me that Kravis got drunk and pulled the pin on the fire extinguisher and sprayed it everywhere.
..........................
so basically he drank a 26er of Vodka and trashed the house.

he told me he couldn't talk to me because I was hostile. NO SHIT SHERLOCK i fucking slaved over this house yesterday with no help and he, the one moving out, goes and does that?
.....

whatever.
he's cleaning it. he and his friend are scrubbing everything down now removing fire extinguisher dust.
He'd better replace the extinguisher... I bought that like 2 years ago.. like $35 i didn't have but an extinguisher is TRES IMPORTANT. and its one-time-use no matter how much he keeps telling me he thinks it'll still work.

I'm so not happy.
I just want a god-damned tea. my throat is raw. i leave today for my dad's for the weekend, and won't be here to facilitate the new roommate screening....

Also we found out yesterday from Derek that he's leaving. so much for 2 months notice.more like 2 weeks.
so.. now we need ANOTHER roommate... or rent goes up. and we already advertised at $275.... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck.


I just want to scream at how disrespectful people are.

I miss Brendan.... he called me from Ottawa last night, it was really nice... I can't wait until monday when im GONE on vacation.


AUGH.

tick tick tick

so almost done... so almost done... just gotta write some more about upper canada rebellion and then touch on the jubilee riots and the orange rebellion and the megacity protests... and im DONE LIKE DINNER!

levitate right to my place I know you wanna go

Can't I just have a secret sex slave in the attic or something? I promise to feed and water it and walk it EVERY DAY.

So, I'm still here... B left for Ottawa today, Im in his room because our house's furnace broke and marilyn gave us like 3 space heaters or something. COLD.
Um.....steph's housewarming was pretty awesome. Brendan was asleep practically by the time I got back downtown from my place... but I brought a pizza, so we ate and then ended up napping a little. I had to drag him out of bed pretty much... and he was like the walking sleep-monster all the way to lansdowne station. walking sleep-monster who was grumpy because he was out of cigarettes. fuck.

Wore my awesome boob dress.... felt like hot shit all night, even if B never appreciates, everyone else did :) thanks guys lol.
I finally, FINALLY fiiiiiinally got laid....which of course only leaves me wanting more more more more more.
I hate my brain when I'm trying to write an essay and all it can do it think about sexy naughty dirty things.

Can I get a libido lobotomy?
or I'll continue to lobby for that sex slave.....must be comfortable in leather...

hopeless

i am just mad that I don't feel sexy anymore because of someone else.


I am a sexy fox.... i know it, everyone else knows it... i just don't feel it at all or even see it these days. I just feel like shit because no matter what I do, say, wear, or don't do, say, or wear... I get nowhere.


I tested, I can still make men's (& womens'....) eyes' fall out of their heads and turn faces.... just not the eyes or face of the man i've fallen in love with.


fuck my life?


its snowing. hard. it took extra long to get home tonight from work. so windy and cold....
I hate everything right now... its like...i am a small fiery stormcloud.

this dragon's been simmering, I hope I can put it out and make some steam before i char everything to peices....

i am that girl that i hate....

I shouldn't even be complaining right now...
what girl doesn't want to hear, or at least wouldn't be thrilled that their boyfriend enjoys just spending time with them, having them around, discovering new things, joking around, or just sharing a meal together? apparently me... because even though I'm a pretty lucky gal, all I can think about is "what am i doing or not doing or what is wrong with me that he doesnt want to have copious amounts of great sex with me?"I know right... i need to just shut up and go sit in a corner for a while....

I know its stupid, but when i dress up nice how come i never get a reaction except for everyone else in the room who isn't supposed to want to sleep with me? I mentioned as much, and said it was nice to know i still got it, but i didnt really say anything.

Ugh. It is two days after I was really really sick, and now being at my work, with the obnoxious christmas carols playing ad the smell of coffee everywhere, I want to barf again. seriosuly... i thought i felt sick because i hadn't eaten... turns out now that ive eaten i feel sicker.

Im not even feeling sexy these days, In fact i feel like a hideous three-horned 5-eyed orange and purple beast compared to the fox i usually feel I am. I just am not feeling it. but I'd like to. I'd like to be put in the mood, y'know? bet you anything now im not gonna feel like it ever and suddenly he'll want to have sex. fuck my life,

fuck chantelle you always find something to complain about, you're so predictably awful.

magic Bag? no, magic B.

Food poisoning or a flu Bug or something.... whatever it was, it hit me like a sack of potatos yesterday morning. I woke up at 9 AM feeling fine...by 10:30 I was in the bathroom hailing the porcelain gods. HAILING. just when I'd think i was ok to get up and move to the bed again.... WOOMPH ("bitch, get back down there" says the stomach...)
it was so gross. I got scared because last time something like that happened, I was in high school and had to be rushed to the emergency because i lost so much fluid so fast. I was dehydrated and my blood pressure was 70 over 30, and was on IV for like 10 hours the day before halloween.
so I messaged B and Sarah... neither of which was around, so I just huddled in the shower and "let it happen". gross, but probably the best i could do. B called me when he got the message and declared he was coming up straight away.. i tried to say thankyou but vomited instead? im so sexy hahaha. 

eventually sarah came home (noonish) while i was still walled up in the bathroom... and when i made my stumbly naked dash from there to my bed she poked her head in and asked if she could get me anything. bless her,  told her to take my five and grab me a gatorade if she could... she left the $5 and came back with gingerale, apple juice, AND gatorade. AND she covered me in more blankets. my roomate rocks.

I guess I passed out... next thing i know B was there with a "fever strip" to take my temp and heated up my magic bag because I was shivering and shaking under the pile of covers. I put the magic bag by my feet... and then.. best thingever.... MAGIC B! I was so freezing, he climbed onto the bed behind me and big-spooned me into warmth again. best sicknurse ever. and not the horror film..
basically I slept the day away after spewing out my insides.. it sucked.
I was supposed to spend the entire day working on my project that is due at 2:30 today. FUCK.
but i chose to rest up instead. B made me chicken soup before he helped me get dressed and let himself out.. i passed out again until about 8 AM this morning.
Im pretty sure my mom called in between that time though.. and im pretty sure i talked to her.. i just can't remember about what haah.... oh dear.

basically.. now i'm chatting to Dr. Nick on facebook and procrastinating with this blog.. but i had to SPEAK.sick days mean seeing no one. except sarah and B, thankgods for them. If it hadn't been for their care, I'd still be spewing upstairs and not attempting this project.

p.s. he loves me <3

Happy Birthday Lil E!!

birthday hugs are boppin from me to you right now. I'm stuck in a theatre house managing a show, while everyone else goes to brendan and armour's housewarming, and you are stuck in the V-jay..... which sucks major brass balls, but at least we can long-distance commiserate together :)

Did I mention I love you?

shake shake shake senora...

work it all the time...

So... life is wonderfully hectic. Little Erin's Birthday is tommorrow... LOVE to my little E.
speaking of love, ignore my former postage about the lack of. its quite wonderful.... just because.

saw New York, I love you at the Cumberland with B on sunday night... and last friday night we saw parfumerie... Im spoiled by this boy.

I love it.... and.. well... he needs to quit smoking or im going to scream. but like nothing can make him quit unless he wants to quit. he's going to have to deal with seeing other people smoking at parties and things, and its gonna suck. he's going to have to grieve,  but like I had to get my Ventalin refilled this morning... because sleeping at B's I can't breathe anymore.
no air is no good.
went to the doctor's this morning...got a refill, got the ventalin, got a cream for my face, got a Hep A vaccination which i am keeping in the fridge at the pharmacy until i am able to pop into the doctor's and get it again. I didn't want to deal with the shot this morning though i might get it tonight after my front of house training.
Drawing starts in 15 min. working with powdered graphite today apparently... yay? then skipping culture of cities lecture for training and because I didn't finish my essay.
I just managed to scan and send an email to my prof about an extension on my Essay as it is.
this is the first time i've had to use my academic accomodation ALL YEAR.
I have to do paperwork for my acting group for monday... and I have to finish all of my Final designs by monday.
Brendan might come over tonight... whee!
tommorrow night im working this show at York called CP Salon until 10 pm... then brendan's house warming after...then friggen work 5-11 sat. meh. no biggie...
I just have a lot of work to do... i don't know when this is going to all happen!

I'm trying not to freak out...
My show was lastnight and i managed to hold it together, thanks to B. Dress rehearsal was horrible, and therefore the show was destined to be a success....it was. :D
wormholed after... and B helped me carry all of my props home thankfully... there was so much! I really enjoyed the other groups... Roshdale especially, but I wish my show had been of that caliber. They had all the "acting" people in their group..to be unfair.

mew.

we're talking about babies and pregnancy and fuck my ovaries are just like... squeezing and clenching and saying "SOW ME WITH SEEDS SOW ME SOW ME SOW ME"

farmer brendan hasn't been aroudn lately anyway though so like i really have to worry about babies.


I honestly practically begged all day yesterday to fuck. i feel like such a loser!

quack quack

i feel like a duck. waddling and wading through the rain, just happily splashing along, kicking up the water and paying no attention to the shark lurking just behind me, slowly gaining to the tune of minor seconds.

when will the ball drop? i've been expecting it for so long now, its amazing me that it hasn't. five years ago I lost all faith in love between people, between family. I lost that idea of "family"...
but I seem to have found that reincarnated into the people I surround myself with. Each person is this beautiful little flame that i want to add kindling to and blow on and keep everyone piping hot and happily dancing.
but love
i denied it. I cursed it. I crushed it, chased it, buried it, and then thought I had really discovered.. and then realized that I hadn't. I realized it could change.

Now that I know how it can change... i understand my parents even more.
and I fear for the worst every day.

I want to just be free and awknowledge this amazing...THING.. for what it is, but I choke on it, I don't want to be the only one. I know you don't so how could I... I just don't see how you'll ever settle for me, when you could have anyone.

I don't understand how other people can be so sure of themselves...its not fair.
I WANT that. I WANT to be in it and delerious... but I'm afraid I'll lose myself... or lose you.

Why can't I get over this, its so stupid.

why do I crave your love so bad when I choke on giving it to you

ducks can drown in water

crybaby

i know it, you know it.... but so what? If I didn't whine about it, I'd burst and i don't think anyone would be happy if they had to clean up a bursted splattering of Chantibear from the walls.

I'm getting grumpier and grumpier every day because we're both hella busy. We talked about it and we both know we have forever to have the rest of our lives but we only have NOW to do the things that have to happen now. in other words,  we're in agreement that we'd wait a lifetime for the other person to be done whatever they have to do. Class, work, both, whatever. it just sucks the big one because I grind my teeth knowing how much time i wasted while we lived so close acting like nothing was happening.
whatever
i have no regrets, because it probably wouldn't be as great as it is if it wasn't for how everything  played out. We'd have gotten sick of eachother or something by sept.

I think i'm dreaming, or waiting for the ball to drop, or something. so many people warned me about it going wrong. i warned myself enough. but somehow we just can't get enough of eachother, being idiots and ridiculous people together. we go on dates/ little outings when we can..the rest of the time we only ever get to spend a few hours , then bed, then we both have places to go and things to do.
the best part is having someone to come home to.... but not having someone sitting at home, demanding you be there and whining at you that they can't see you and want all of your time ALL THE TIME.
Ladies, i gotta say, its hard to beleive what we've got going...i don't want to jinx it...but how is it this great? something should've happened by now is just the feeling i have....like okay throw open the curtain and expose the wizard.... i dunno.
sometimes i'm afraid i'll be just like my parents.

breathe........breathe...........breathe........

i am having a hard time remembering to do this basic function lately.
I get so overwhelmed that I realize I've been holding my breath or that I've just been panting away, not using my diaphram or anything.
My asthma gets worse with the cold weather.... second hand cig smoke makes it worse too.. my puffer has been seeing a lot of use.
Finally my OSAP docs came in to york.. however, I can't get them until next week some time. guh.
I need a job that gives me better tips than $5 for a whole week.
but I'm too busy to go look for a job? so i'm screwed haha. dear gods of windfalls and magical job offers, are you listening?

there is 35 days until I leave for Ottawa for my "christmas break". which means 25 days or so left of the term.
which means from now until Dec 1st, I'm busting my bottom.

but really... I feel like there's an end now, I can see it... its next june when i will potentially be graduating...

Kravis is moving out at the end of December.
WHOOOOP there goes the rug from under me, as B put it so eloquently on the phone last night. I don't have the time, energy, or wherewithall to find a new roommate for Jan 1st. I wish little E could move in and attend concordia by distance... correspondance? lol. I know, pigs with wings.
but so now... Headache.
also,i need to vent.
There has been dishes in my sink since last wednesday. I know this because B and I put them in the sink from the counter so we could make toast on thursday before my mom came to take us to dinner.
there is now a grand total of 3 cups left in our entire cupboards.... so unfair to those of us that DO do our dishes. That means that not only are there gross dishes in the sink getting grosser, but people are hoarding dishes in their rooms.
gross. unfair, and, well, gross.

bah. I'm cold.
and whiny.
and wish that decreasing the effexor didn't mean I want to hump everything that stands still for more than a minute.... the couch looks pretty inviting, you get my drift? I didn't realize just what a number the medication had been doin on my libido. I mean, I knew it made me tired, but now that I am taking less and have more energy.. I also have exponential sexual energy that is causing me to hate everything!
why? because there are other things that we enjoy doing besides eachother, but lately all I want to do is B, and its increasingly frustrating when he doesn't want to or isn't around. I feel like a fucking nymphomaniac... I can't even do homework in my room without getting distracted by some personal sexy time, so I've allocated my homework spots to the living room... well, that doesn't even stop me apparently. its WASTING MY TIME!

just sayin'

I feel like a lecherous old man...

Dinner with mom and bruce and B last night went well... we just suggested the Fox, which was fine by them. i was only a little nervous.. b was a lottle nervous, but he was great. my mom says he "carries himself well" and "is definitely not a kid" whaatever that means. mew

vulnerable

Everything went awesome this weekend. 3 fantastic fantasticys happened.
Sunday. work was busy because the weather was fine, it brings the assholes out too.. he swore at me over some fucking chocolate drizzle.
I just want to yell at them that people are dying elsewhere and their chocolate drizzle is INSIGNIFICANT

im excited, but panicing about how busy i am about to get

exhale that breath i held.

B slept over thursday night.. I made us dinner, but the butternut squash was part of the hand-me-down ex-roomate frozen goods and didn't taste so wonderful. the pasta was good though :)
I had my production interview on Friday with James, and holy crap that went a lot less painful than i expected. But you know, I was just honest to all the questions and I had spent thursday evening waiting for brendan and prepping my portfolio.
you're god damn right that means i am NOW IN PRODUCTION!!!
holla!
i was so excited, I ran into Subi at the bus stop and squealed my heart out. then I called B and gushed... i walked past peter and james and james was like "welcome to the team" and peter just stared. mwahahahaa....
I love this game. I' going to be SO busy though...

Last night B and I dressed up a little and he took me out for dinner at La Paradiso, just down the street form him. we had the Table D'autre for $20.. and then ordered a ridiculous bottle of wine.. that was DELICIOUS. best red i've drank in a while.  and we drank the whole bottle. the food was delicious, much better than the last place we went, for a better price too.  Everything tasted fantastic...and the table d'autre came with saladm entree, espresso and dessert, which was raspberry and kiwi sorbet. OMFG delicious.
neither one of us noticed we were even drunk until dessert when we were trying to finish our wine before the espresso. exiting the building itself was a hilarious event to me.. the walk home even moreso!
we are so lame we came home, smoked a bowl and went to sleep hahaha.
drunk lazy cats.
This morning we had bagels for breakfast, and brendan walked me to the subway because we both worked tonight.
This afternoon I had tea and tokes with Nick (my ex) which was nerve-wracking..until he was there, and then it was just... normal. comfortable. I straight up told him that while I had loved him, my feelings just changed. he thanked me for my honesty.. .so... yeah. and he drove me to work. we hugged. it waasn't awkward at all.. it was kind of neat.
made me really miss B's face even more though. he's promised to come over monday night... and then make me dinner on tuesday! ( i work 2-6 on tues) so that for once I'll have someone waiting for me when i get home. damn he's cute sometimes.
We also decided we make the most adorable lamest couple ever... again... hah. losers. its amazing. As I told nick,  I'm just really really happy now. :)

AND IM IN PRODUCTION!!!!!!!!

fuck yeah.
I'm abotu to get crazy busy but I don't even care, I'll just make it work. Steph will come over some time this week I hope and we can talk shop together, art-wise. I'd love to get her advice on my figure drawing, and maybe I can help her out with whatever blockage she's experiencing these days.. I'll do my best!

I fucking love life sometimes...

I....

do some stuff, sometimes...

it can end up like this:

Or like this, below.              

Sometimes things get a little crazy up in here...

My personal favourite is when they are pretty but theoretically deadly (...you know...if it wasn't made out of wood and tissue paper and glue....)

hello goodbye hello goodbye and Chrometophobia

while I am excited as shit for possibly being able to graduate after only one more year at York.... I'm also frightened because I'm barely making ends meet right now working part time. what happens when I'm working part time and doing crew? i know it doesn't help that my work only gave me 4 hours this week... but its also partly because I book days off to do things.... like go see brendan... and get groceries.... and homework done....
this brings me to another thought. does that mean I'm going to have to live here, at romfield, until I'm finished? I sure as hell hope not. I lovemy roommates but I hate them at the same time, because this house is just always clutter....people walk in, drop shit where they stand and then fuck off again. I am guilty of this too... but at least I drop it in my corner of art stuff... or in my room... i don't know. I'm just as bad as all of them, I'm terrible with changing my cats' litter all the time. if they didn't remind me, i'd forget entirely. probably because its in the basement...
but like.. augh.
staying at B's spoils me. with its library and dining room and basement living room....and CLEAN WASHROOMS.....
the kitchen just makes me wet every time i walk in... counter space, everywhere.... clean wood floor....and rarely dishes in the sink.
then I come home and i'm like "yay, home........*open front door*....oh.....ewwww..."

I think neighbours with a yappy dog just moved in next door. fuck me.

I hate posters on the walls. I don't mind the paintings and pictures, but the posters with their frayed edges and wrinkles and "own it on dvd" kill me.... I don't want to live in a dorm anymore.
I guess when all my posters were stolen along with my car after 1st year, I really let it go. It was a cleansing moment for me, for all that it sucked. my video games, skateboard, posters, computer games...a lot of just THINGS left and I just decided that i would never get them back and be done with it.  I decorated my room at my dad's with a few paintings and dried flowers. 
my room here is mostly just writing on the walls and postcards from people/places.... and pictures of people.
I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. I want a HOUSE. with style. and homeyness without the insane clutter, bits of paper and shit on the ground, no writhing monsters of tangled cords and wires because people can't put their video games away...no cushions on the floor or stuffed behind the couch--they are meant to lean on! to squish into!... i want decor. and matching sofas. and a non-broken arm chair. and for christ's sake, a fucking bathroom that doesn't have mildew an mold ALL OVER IT.
I'm honestly scared i'm going to ingest/breathe it in one of these days and just keel over in the shower and die and no one will notice until my dead toe plugs the drain and water starts running down the hallway.....

my muscles hurt all over.
Brendan hasn't given me a massage in months because his hands are too sore he says. so i've stopped giving him massages. he used to like it, now i think i just hurt him when i work on his knots, so screw it. but I wish when I asked he'd be happy to do it... i wish i didn't have to ask, really.
its just so hard because my muscles are so tight and sore that I need someone to really rub them out.... not like pitter-patter on my skin. i hate light massages.. they're like teasing.
but yeah.. so i'm sore all over, and won't complain to B because he's been working like mad... and is probably just as sore...
I've been putting off calling companies to book a driver's test and brush up lesson because i've been too busy, but i'd better before new years otherwise i have to take the whole graduated licensing system all over again...
My cat, sam, really needs to go see a vet. like.. its getting bad. but I don't have one, nor do I have a car, nor do I have the money for said vet care....
I've also put off calling my neurologist... the B12 scared me by makign my pee yellow-green ALL THE TIME, so i stopped taking it... but hooray for migraines... so i guess I had better start taking it again... fack.
fack feckity fuck.

I just want a magical fairy to come and help me out, but they don't exist so I've got to suck it up, stop blogging, feed myself and do my god damned homework...and maybe make some phone calls.

at least my new cell phone came... although its costing me more than i thought because "Harry" didnt' give me a reference number, and therefore i didn't get that $20 rebate he promised. I don't want to say anything... because I know we're in the same boat... but Bren did break my other phone, i wish he'd help out a little.. but now i feel like a bitch just for writing that, because i never want money from  anyone.



I honestly have a money phobia. I have since I was a kid. it makes me awkward and anxious. when I am at the cash register to pay for something, my heart races and mouth dries and my hands shake like nuts. talkng about how expensive something will be or is makes me feel sick.
My parents used to tell my brother and I the exact situation of their bank account and debt and stuff.... I know they did it so we wouldn't ask for things we couldn't have (it probably killed them to say no), and so that we understood WHY we couldn't go to McDonalds... but it really freaked me out.
I've been saving since I was small, same bank account, and have barely anything to show for it.
I was too afraid to buy stock with starbucks in the summer...
I am too afraid to buy myself new shoes. and way too petrified to buy anything for myself out of pleasure. I've put off buying weed for weeks now.. except a dime from armourtime. (yay rhymed) because as much as i like it.. i'm getting scared. 
money disgusts me... I wish I could just trade massages or hugs or paintings or sketches or tailoring for a year for things that I need. I'll barter you with cookies for vegetables...

I want a house, but how i'm ever going to afford living anywhere other than here, i don't honestly know.
i wish lotteries weren't rigged.

just can't shake it

can't friggen stand this
wish i could block this person out of my life, they are making me anxious for having to deal with them.

Retreat

So I came up to Brendan's on thursday night fully expecting to come home on friday, but it seems I haven't made it there yet... and seeing as its almost 10 30 at night, i think i'm staying. I'm preobably going to stay tommorrow night too... I know I made a tiger lily costume, but I also have just enough clothes on to pull of a cow-girl, which is awesome because I'm still a western lily at heart. 
its not that I don't want to go home so much as i'm just enjoying being out of north york, away from campus, and not having to work this weekend.
although this week's paycheque of a whopping 4.0 hours is going to suck, I'm theoretically getting work done. I already finished one reading response tonight and a drawing for my research project of brendan's torso. I had him pose like Bernini's statue of David. he whined a lot, but I know its an awkward pose to hold for too long so i let him break a lot. I love his dining room for the amount of control I have over the lighting. I think I might just get everyone to come here to roxborough for me to draw them. it would be swell if I could get lots done this weekend, because it really doesn't take more than 15 min a pose.

B won't be home until some time after midnight, midnight-30 so we'll see if I get any work done or just sleep.  I got my new cell phone in the mail, but I'm pissed because I didn't end up getting the $20 rebate the dude promised me because he told me to ask for him by name ('Harry') and didn't give me a reference number. and the lady on the phone was a bitch, clearly, because I told her about it and she didn't even try to do anything, just told me she didn't know a "harry" in her department. grrrr....

so.. I have to pay out more money right now... and I just spent $75 on getting my boots refurbished....plus I havn't gotten groceries in a week or two, i've mostly just picked up some things here and there, ate on campus, or whatever, you know? gah.... so much for being healthy. I ate a lot of peanut butter and jam toast this week.
I have these stupid tender red marks on my face that won't go away even after using this cream i bought from shoppers that the cosmetic lady swore by.... its irritating me that I have red splotches on my face.. they're in my laugh lines, and they get itchy, sometimes sore...
I really shouldn't sleep here as often as I do... nothing against B's place, because clearly I love it more than my own house, but I always break out after sleeping over... probably just from his sheets or pillows or whatever.. not that they're super gross.. just slept in, you know? bah.
I also feel the need to disclose to someone that I loathe wearing dirty undies, and totally forgot to bring extra pairs in case I stayed over more than 1 night, and its super uncomfortable and making me whine right now.
too much information? hahaa,, i don't care, its bugging me so I'm blowing off steam. look at me go. I ate a whole package of tea biscuits today. at least they were made with flax and blueberries...Armour, Erin (birkenbergs) and I had a super high cookie party today. chocolate chip, oreos and the tea biscuits. and then ordered swiss chalet for dinner... whatever, dont' look at me like that.
I figure even if I don't feel particularly sexy these days at least I can eat for flavour.
but seriously? most of the time I feel like the girl next door to everyone in the world. i know tis ridiculous, because I know I have some good features. I've been told in the past I have nice legs and a nice back and eyes or whatever.. but I just haven't been feeling it as a whole entity lately. something's lacking, and I don't know what.

yesterday steph stopped by our house on her way out and holy moly, the estrogen between me her and sarah felt great. I feel for her, dealing with frustrating people and unacceptable situations, which is why sarah and I totally encouraged her to vent to us. I think we just all needed a moment of empathy... aka estrogen-therapy.
today both steph and I fell asleep instead of getting together as planned, haha.... so typical of us! we are snoozy ladies.... plus I think the weather is just affecting my energy levels right now. I'm tired and grumpy even though I've slept lots.
I really have nothign else left to say, but it feels good to put this constant narrative chatter onto a hard copy, out of my head.
B's been working crazy every day for Can-cab at the young centre.. so he doesn't have much time to be around. I've been doing the commute these last couple weeks....because I know if I don't we wouldn't see eachother. which is why i brought my homework along... because the entire day he's gone. then we sleep together... wake up together... and then he's gone. but at least its some kind of reconnect....
even when it works out better for him..
last night Alida came home and told me the sweetest thing that B had said at work when asked if he wanted to stay out for a beer with people... he said ok... but that he didn't want to stay too long because I was down at the house. and someone said that that was okay because they were there... and Brendan apparently got this really cute look and said "but its not my chantibear.." which is friggen adorable, and i love alida for telling me.
I just try to be a good girlfriend, around school and work and my life...I just try to make sure he's happy and that i'm happy (aka we get face time together) and I think of him often and if i see something that reminds me of him, i get it, or when i come over i'll bring ingredients for french toast or bacon or something because i know he probably hasn't gotten groceries either recently. I just try and think ahead and do things that I know he will apreciate. and then the rest of the time i just am, and hope he's down with it because thats what i is, right?
sometimes I get scared that we will have nothing to talk about..... because sometimes we don't. but i think that's ok, it just means we're talked out or comfortable...
I just hope what I give will one day come back to me, without having to ask for it. I hate having to ask for things.

weekend dreamfest

saturday night I dreamt I was in a large mall and I went up to this counter to join the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan club, but they wouldn't let me because I was over 12. so I lied and said I wanted to sign my daughter up and they were like "well, where is your daughter?" and I said I lost her and went to look for her. meanwhile aparently my mother came up to them searching for me. and THEN i was on this crazy hunt through the mall to find this little girl that was my supposed daughter... who was to be found no where.. I crawled through kids' playplaces and everything to try and find her but no dice. FINALLY i find this little 3 year old that is mine and she's running around naked like a hooligan (atta girl).....then I wake up.
damn TMNT fan club.... I was a part of one when I was a kid, like for reals. I got a bandana and club card and a poster on my birthday and everything lol.

Sunday night, last night, I dreamt that I was in some kind of secondary school that looked strangely like the Accolade east building.... and I was trying to find my shoes. not just any shoes... my little white roman sandals. so I was searching this school for my shoes and I got tired of carrying my two backpacks.. so I put them both down... when I came back for them because I found one sandal, then one backpack was missing. Gah! So the hunt for the backpack and other shoe was on... for some reason this guy i dated in highschool, Aaron, was helping me search, and so were his friends and his scary ex-girlfriend jenn. we find the backpack in the room that all the "special ed" students are eating lunch.. but still no shoe.
we go to exit the building to find the other sandal but SURPRISE a pop quiz on.....pedicures and skin care? so there I am giving this massive football player dude, Mike, a pedicure.....but trying to cut corners so I can finish and go find my god damned shoe. The class got disrupted when a football hit the window and the teacher went to yell, so I ducked and rolled (ha) out of the room into the courtyard with aaron and jenn and we ran past the football team to head to the orchard (i don't know why) and TA DA there my other shoe was just chillin in the grass of the orchard.
then i woke up.

I wish someone would analyze my dreams for me and tell me what i'm subconciously thinking haha, that would be pretty nifty. some day I will be rich enough to buy a ridiculous encyclopedia of dreams and analyze them myself.

I miss aitch and shera and drew and steph and kyro and fisty and flu and amy.... someone get on that teleportation device, STAT!

a dream

Last night I had a dream.....i don't remember much of it before some sort of situation where everyone was moving out, just as they did in real life.. except that It was more of a bug-out....everyone took what they could carry and ran. then, to help them out I ran in when I saw that the enemy had left it unlocked. I scrambled around, scooping up some things... the house was like nothing had ever happened, completely newhomefreeland but covered in dust and rubble (who knows) and dirt. I made it up into a bedroom...the stairs were knocked out halfway through the middle for some reason so I had to scrabble along the side and railing. It didn't look like it, but in the dream I knew I was in drew's room... but for some reason it was filled completely with all these little boxes... crates and wooden chests and things of varying sizes... and there were all these granite and crystal and marble sculptures and stones all over a desk, so I was trying to fill some boxes with the crystals but I had this sense of terror.. like I had to go, NOW.... and I heard noises in the hallway and freaked out, and ended up crawling up into the attic part of the house and hiding up there. when I came down, everything was gone except for all the variously sized boxes and the mysterious rubble and smoke. as I ran for the exit with my loot, the house was starting to steadily fall down around me....

I don't remember any more of it, but I thought It was neat.

coodle.....doodle....damn.

i will not let trivial things bring me down. I will not give in to the season. I will not let trivial things bring me down. i will not give in to the season. I will not let trivial things bring me down, I will not give in to the season. I will not let trivial things bring me down, I will not give in to the season. I will not let trivial things bring me down, I will not give in to the season....


Kravis and I had a chat late last night before bed when I got home from B's..... about how we've both been in unpredictable, inconsolable moods that we can't quite explain.
I'm absolutely blessed by my friends but I'm still becoming a little laodicean, despondent and pretty unable to show a cheerful face 90% of the time...
I just have nothing to say, so I sink into my head as usual, only its all too visible in my eyes these days. around B, i don't ever like putting on a face, but I feel like i'm bringing him down with me....he said so the other day "something's always wrong with chanti". I've been having bad magraines the last couple of days...and back pain.. and you name it, whatever. 

 my little black clouds are migrating out of my control and raging their storm on other people's parades....

this might be the start of recluse season. I can't ever explain whats wrong, and while i appreciate the consideration... hearing "what's wrong" gets tedious when you can't give an answer, eccept maybe a noise.

If i start giving animal noises as resposes, you now know why....

over and over and over and over and over like a monkey with a miniature cymbal.

i will get off my ass and do what i have to do.. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my computer and do what I have to do. I will get off my computer and do what I have to do. I will get off my computer and ass and do what I have to do. I will do what I have to do. I will do what I have to do. I will do what I have to do. I will do what I have to do. I will do what I have to do. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to.


trying out an exercise in repetition a la CBC radio 1 suggestion....


I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow mysef to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I WILL allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself o feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow yself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to love. I allow myself to love. I allow myself to love. I allow myself to love. I allow myself to love.


I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will not allow my experiences in life to bring me down. I will not allow my experiences in life to bring me down. I will not allow my PAST experiences in my life to bring me down NOW. I will not allow my past experiences in life to bring me down now. I will not allow my past experiences in life to bring me down now. I will not allow my past experiences in life to bring me down now. I will not allow my past experiences in life to bring me down now. I will not allow my past experiences in life to bring me down now. I will not allow my past experiences to bring me down.


I will try harder to find the smile in a situation. I will try harder to find a smile in the situation. I will try harder to find the smile in a situation. I will try harder to find the smile in a situation. I will try harder to find the smile in a situation. I will try harder to find the smile. I will try harder to find the smile. I will try harder to find the smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to find the smile when I feel sick. I will try ahrder to find the smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to find the smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to find the smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to smile when I feel sick I will try harder to smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel.
I will try harder to smile when I don't feel. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel. I will try harder to smile when I dont feel. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel.
I will try harder to smile when i don't feel anything.
I will try harder to smile when I don't feel anything.
I will smile when I don't feel anything, because I'm sick of bringing you down with me.


you've got to get better, its all in your head.
these months they don't matter, its the days I can't take
when the hours move to minutes
and i'm seconds away

wedding pics

These are the first pictures available from the photographer from the wedding. mostly so andrew could have something to take with him to Kandahar this upcoming wednesday.  To the left is me, my mom, and brother, and above is andrew and his wife Emily.

the boys in the photograph

whew! I've been on the go since 10 AM yesterday... classes, frustratingly drew drapery with david rayfield.... then i was met outside my culture of cities class by a dapper-looking young man who on second glance appeared to be Brendan, hehe...

I had exactly 45 min to shower, get dressed, and make myself presentable before we hopped the TTC to meet up with armourtime and peoples outside the Royal Alexandra to get our tickets. I LOVE just about any excuse to get dressed up.... I pulled out my favouritest red(more like wine...) dress ever and put the new heels to the test. to further suit the occasion, i pulled out my long evening coat and tiny russian-inspired stole. Kat told me I looked like i was from Anastasia..... hilarious, since there's not a drop of soviet blood in me. The play certainly spoke to my irish roots, I felt myself beingbbbbbb nnnnnnnnnnnb bv   stirred by the sounds of the irish melodies

Sam walked across my computer while I was just enraptured watching Lawrence of Arabia....its a beautiful film, really. stupid cat.

anyway, andrew lloyd weber sounds like he's getting old... but i enjoyed myself. I won't get into a full-out ctritique, because i think we all talked it to death last night, but I would like to mention that I really enjoyed the choeographed footie championship game dance number.  (invisible ball) and I laughed pretty hard at some things. especially Jeff Giles' "NO TOUCHING!" line in the prison scene. pure Arrested Development channeling right there.

dinner was delicious, but it was kinda ridiculously priced. I know its good business thinking, but I hate that they charged so much just because people will pay it due to their proximity to the theatre. stupid stupidness!

the old woman at the next table over in the restaurant leaned forwards to her dinner partner and goes "i wish my boobs still looked like that!"

tommorrow B leaves for ottawa--i can finally get some homework done!! and lunch with the in-laws and my brother and his wife. I'm making him dinner tonight so he doesn't have to dine out again. least I can do after the food last night. and also, I think I'm just as good of a cook, so there!

this is amazing, lawrence of arabia has a fully orchestrated "Intermission" in the middle of the movie. its been black screen playing epic music for the last 5 minutes now.

Reading week. No babies week. homework and awkward family week. blerghhh.

your hair is such a mess

somehow i've started considering showers a luxury. meaning if i have time to have a shower, its a god damned luxury! time is fleeting... i want to slow it down. just for a little while so i can fully appreciate like 4 or 5 hours with my roommates or 3 hours of drawing or the 2 hours of cleaning time i crammed in before class this morning.
I've slowly been cleaning and re-designing my art table/creative space. mostly i'm trying to give myself more surfaces.... and I cleaned a square out of art supplies, put them in my new (inheritedfrom ex roommate jeff) organizer drawers and unpacked a box of VHS tapes to the now vacated square. woot! i emptied a box! and I moved shit around! and threw out some more shit!
it feels so good to be slowly cleaning.. though i wish i could have a day and just git'er all done.. though i know it won't actually happen.
B is coming over tonight. the house has been busy because Matty's best friend Leyland has been up visiting for the past few days. I'm not sure how long he is staying, but its been fun times. armour tim and jonny b were all also at my house last night when i walked in from class. that was sweet I like hugs from people i havn't hugged in a long time.

I'm in my Culture of Cities class right now, and its pretty interesting but i feel like i'm re-visiting some highschool lectures from one Mr. Roddy. come to think of it, my Prof Lewis Code looks kind of like Mr. Roddy but less white-haired, and he seems to sweat less--or at least hide it better. and he doesn't keep his phone in the cupboard.

I need to paint things. I have projects that i need to finsih... that i want to get done ASAP for class so that i can fuck off and just paint some stuff. like my room. and this table. and the smoke-the-table that i rescued from next door's backyard junk pile and am going to paint and turn into a smoke cupboard-table instead. (the series of tubes and coffee can contraption on the inside is broken into pieces and I'm now too picky to smoke out of tin or plastic. im a glass-only girl.
speaking of which, matty bough bong cleaner. Phantom is see-through again. :D

I realized that the other day when i started crying and felt weird and vertigo-y all day it was because i had THOUGHT i had taken my pill, but really i had put it down to feed the cats and then didn't take it. so... of all the things that could have happened, a bit of vertigo and some rapid-cycling moodswings was pretty decent of a reaction.
no dry heaving and sweating like a furnace this time, anyway.

my head really hurts... i kinda stopped taking vitamin B2 (riboflavin) 3 times daily liek i'm supposed to. it kept weirding me out because my pee turned SO yellow. and the vitamin tablets stained my hands yellow too.no matter how much water and liquid i drank it was just fucking day-glo yellow, like flu's hi-lighter shirt that makes aitch sneeze.

Shera and I tried to cut sam's claws.... but it did not go so well with just the two of us. I hate it when sam starts to make herself choke and wheeze on purpose becasue she knows we can't stand it. but at least cleo's nails are done. :) good cleo. she just sits there and takes it. I walked into my room this morning and the cat was literally face-down face planted into my mattress, garfield style.

video time... this Lewis Mumford guy is so boring, it kills me. theres like classic opening music too...makes me want popcorn.
this documentary is a cars vs people take on the city. whether or not cars are logical and the best way to get around, or if public transit.

pedestrians all the way...
the other morning B walked me to the subway and i got to witness several outbursts at various drivers and cars from him, quite entertaining. I thought about it and i agreed completely, every single car had ONE person in it. it was stupid. but i think if he had kept it up we might have gotten beaten up haha.
I wasn't embarassed though. actually I liked being the spectacle on the street for once.
whenever i do something like that, in my life, people have ALWAYS told me to shut up and stop making a scene because "everyone was looking" or whatever.
fuck that!
I want them to look at me :)
and if you want to cause a scene, ill walk with you so they can look at me because they're looking at you looking at me being with you. :)

headache......video too loud.... grrrrrr....

where do I start....

I feel like I unknowingly stepped onto one of those moving sidewalks in the airport, only its my life instead.

Everyone around me is so unhappy with their lives... I almost feel guilty being unhappy with my own life, 'cause worse things could clearly happen...

getting better all the time

Yeah, so I know i've been pretty whiney and ranty and all recently, but honestly life is not so bad right now. In fact, I've been really rather surprised with myself when runing into people on campus that I havn't seen for a while. the words "Good! really great, actually" just seem to spill out between my teeth. For me the question "how are you?" has become one of those questions to which i generally respond with my immediate gut feeling or reaction, like how am I at that exact point in time-freeze-go.
It is so rare though that people actually want to hear how you are, as I've realized from years of experience in customer service and people control. "how are you?" is just an automatic response to a hello or another kind of greeting. ritually most people recognize this in daily interactions, and respond with a quick "good, you?" or "pretty good, yourself?" before carrying on with their lives, not waiting for a response.
this bugs me, as i am always genuinely interested in how someone is doing, so I always try to really listen, and therefore always really reply. It is not unusual to hear me complain i guess, because of that, though i hope i'm not a negative nancy all the time.
but anyway, i'm just amazed that my first response is a positive and genuinely happy one. yeah little shitty things happen some days, but underneath it all, stuff is pleasant, and downright enjoyable.
i'm a little weirded out! I shouldn't be, but its been a while since i last remember this being a constant state of emotion. maybe its because i'm taking less medication, or maybe its something i'm doing different, like biking places or who i'm around or something. I don't know, i just hope its not me being manic or hypo-manic and just not picking up on it until after (as usual). I need to make sure not to take on too much, just in case i am in a state of mania and find out all this confidence and organization is gone in a matter of weeks.
note to self: look out for rash decisions, pick up, and hope for chill.

This is what my mom wants to pilot. Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the Herc. 

Also, prepare yourself for pictures.

tuesday night

i managed to get rid of my afternoon shift tommorrow... so I have nothing to do until 6 PM thankfully. My boss booked me for so many more hours this week than i am usually available because of the stupid jewish holiday and every other partner needing the damn day off.
went to a store meeting at "HQ" tonight, aka the North York Civic Centre. bleh... 3 hours of bullshit about our new product of ready-to-brew single packets of coffee. yep, Starbucks is entering the instant coffee market. who cares? not you, my friends, but its okay, if you're lucky you'll get some for free anyway.  Basically we're all supposed to be coffee pushers. anytime! anywhere! blah de blah dee blah! fuckity this shit.

So I got a phone call today from my mother..its way too expensive to fly me down for the thanksgiving weekend.... since it'd be about $550 for three days, two of which i would be in transit. I agree, fucking expensive! But so long story short, I'm not going to saskatchewan for thankgiving. I'm also not going to my dad's? as he and Sharon are supposedly going down to Virginia to visit her family.
hold up, doesn't little E live in Virginia?  Imma try, but I doubt they'd let me tag along.... there probably wouldn't be enough room for the dogs if i came. it would be sweet, even if i was with my dad and sharon.

but so yeah.... I'm not going anywhere for thanksgiving. time to see who else is in my boat! I can't do the pilgrim thing, but i make a pretty good Tiger Lily.

Watching travis kravis and sarah play Smash Bros on the 64....the night, at least, is winding up nicely.  DJ Chanti is trying not to give herself a headache....

I finally picked up an agenda today, so i'm not running around clueless anymore without my cell phone.....

I forget what i wanted to babble about, goodnight

Pressurize

Its not anything against my roommates... I just want to move. Seeing everyone else pack up and move was hard....but now that I see all of their new places, it makes me really happy for them. They're all so clean and bright and full of new energy and opportunities. meanwhile back at the ranch I have people still leaving their empty cigarette packs on my drafting table and empty pop and juice bottles on the floor, dishes on the coffee table, and Xbox controllers lay where they were discarded the night before. I vaccummed, two days later you couldn't tell because there were chips and icing and who knows what sprinkled and ground into the carpet all over again.
Every morning I come downstairs, sigh, and start picking up the cushions from the floor and putting them back on the couches. Is it really so hard to return a place to neutral after you've pissed around in it for a night? it takes 30 seconds to throw out your garbage, wipe off the coffee table and put your games away.
I've resorted to leaving my drafting table covered in junk--my own junk--so that there was no room left for people to leave their dirty dishes and garbage as they pass by. But how am I supposed to use my workspace if im leaving it cluttered to fend of other people's shit?
then theres the towel issue. I seem to be the only one that every washes any towels.... and the only one that uses them more than once. I know this because when I go for a fresh one, they're all gone.....and by gone i mean crumpled on the floor behind the bathroom door. AUGH

saskatoon

Well, Ive been here for 6 days now, and its been one hell of a weekend, let me tell you. Weddings are exhausting--and this was a small one. save yourself the trouble and elope!
okay...let me back track a little...
So I arrived mid-afternoonish on wednesday,  with the usual earache from the plane landing. it always takes about 45 min for one or both ears to un-plug...its straight up balls because I know it is going to happen and theres nothing i can do about it. so!
nothing exciting just re-aqquainted myself with the fact that people in Saskatoon are never in a hurry. I'm pretty sure, no i'm positive the term "mosey" developed here, because that's what everyone does. Its frustrating when you're used to dodging people and getting from point A to point B as fast as possible. Even their service is s-l-o-w....Pita pit took 15 freaking min just to make my chicken souvlaki, which i woudn't care about except I was starving because all I ate was a lousy chicken sandwich on the plane. Made by second cup, might I add: since when do they make sandwiches? gross. that night Scott came out for dinner and kept me company watching bad movies on TV. I called it a night early, because the two hour difference always takes it out of me. I realized that they just don't make corny movies like they used to. Everything is so smart now, which is great don't get me wrong as we're not stupid audiences, but watching Naked Gun 33 1/2: The Final Insult, I had to chuckle at the sheer corny stupidity of the thing.

Thursday was pretty un-eventful, dinner out here at mom's place in Warman (yay, salmon!)We picked up Andrew and Emily from the airport...my sister-in-law has never been west of Ontario, so it was entertaining answering questions about what the hell all the machinery did and why there is little ponds everywhere. it also was kinda nice that i wasn't the only one snapping pictures of every cow, grain elevator and farm (B wanted pictures)

Now here's where I started to get fed up... my mother of 55 suddenly got cold feet and wanted to call the whole damn shebang off. and, as the maid of honour, it was my job to calm her down and make sure that didn't happen. right! well, i guess i managed.... but seriously. her third wedding, Bruce proposed to her 36 years ago, you'd think she'd just want to get it the hell over with! bah. 

Friday, the day before the wedding. This is when things started to get hectic. By now i'm realizing why I've grown to like the city as opposed to the farm town life I grew up in. I haven't spent this much time in a car in years. people literally plan their days to "go into town" which takes about 25 min. (from Warman to Saskatoon)
anyway, early that morning Mom took the 3 of us out to Mitchison's, the flying school she attended and took us up in a Cessna 172 (C-GINO license plate which was perfect for Emily because she's a wop) and flew us out over the river and farther east of Saskatoon. we tried to go over the old Laliberte farm but the cloud cover was too dense. saaaad :(
My favourite cat was there though, Cessna. She lives at the hangar and is this gorgeous Russian blue who cuddles me. I also killed a spider for Emily, the big suck. 
Afterwards we picked up flowers for our hair, picked up the dresses,and made it back to the house for the rehearsal dinner.
the photographer for the wedding was Basil Howleuka, who drove out with his wife Marlene from Morden, Manitoba (a town just outside of Winkler, where I was born) just for mom's wedding. Basil took my very first portrait when i was but 3 days old, and to this day it hangs in his studio on his wall of famous babies heh heh. My face is all red and squinchy because i am SO ANGRY, i love it. the dent in my forehead shows, and when i get mad you can still see it to this day :D

Anyway, that was the first blast from the past for the weekend. After the BBQ we headed to the Western Modern Civilization museum where the wedding was going to be and rehearsed until I was sick of standing and holding imaginary flowers. The rehearsal was more for the priest than us, as we had to correct him on a few things. We were there until 10 at night because we decorated the damn thing all in purple. my mother has this thing with the colour purple this year...lavender, mauve, whatever, it made her happy so Emily and I hung streamers and made bows and bells and all that lovely wedding crap until out fingers hurt. it was pretty though, I'll show you all the pictures when i get my copy of the DVD i promise.

on a side note, such a shame this was a dry wedding. I would have loved to be sloshed. all there was was bottles of non alcoholic cider...whoopee!

Saturday morning rolled around and us three ladies went to get our hair did....I asked for a sort of lightly curled, vampy Jessica Rabbit look, but surprise surprise it turned out fairly different. I always have bad experiences with hair stylists. I even had a picture for her to work from! yeesh. and purpley roses in my hair....the girl was so enthusiastic that I didn't wash my hair with shampoo (thanks Lil E!) but unfortunately she had to drown me in hair spray so that it would all stay put. gross.

we made it back to the house, chased the best man into his suit and picked up the rest of the flowers....Emily and I made sure mum ate something and stayed hydrated because she is imfamous for passing out at important functions because her blood sugar gets too low. yay hereditary hypoglycemia!

Fast forward to the wedding.... we get there at 2:00 for photographs...pretty eat because they were taken all around the museum's "Boom Town" inside buggies and old cars and in front of old storefronts, inside the replica jail/photo studio, etc. neat as hell, but my face hurt from smiling that much.. it was easily an hour and a half before Basil proclaimed us done.. the wedding started at 4 PM sharp. thankfully the service was short and sweet...
The priest almost forgot to do the ring exchange (aka actual marrying) moving from the sermon to the witnessing, but my mother and I were both like "the rings!!" in a stage whisper and he quickly carried on like nothing happened...poor guy. He said the night before that he could do funerals in his sleep, but that he'd only ever presided over about 20 weddings. thanks for the confidence, Gerald!

whatever, it went well... more pictures with the family afterwards until my feet wanted to scream and then we got to eat. food is the best part of weddings, next to the (non-existent) booze. mashed potatos, roast beef & turkey with stuffing, jello salad, strawberry & green salad, beans and carrots, and two other kinds of salads to boot. then came the desert... oh my god was I in heaven.....Saskatoon berry cheesecake, Saskatoon Berry pie, Saskatoon berry trifle, and Saskatoon Berry Crisp. My poor little tummy was in absolute heaven, and full to bursting by the time it was all done.
Then came the moment of truth for my speech preparation and oratory skils. The toast to the bride, and welcoming of the groom into our family. My brother and I both had very different ideas of what a toast was supposed to consist of...I insisted on some kind of personal story and account of her many talents and he insisted on just saying thankyou and we love you, etc so we just sort of split the mic. he said his bit of the top of his head, I said my bit from my little piece of paper, and succesfully made my mom tear up (ka-ching!) hehe.

I didn't even eat the wedding cake....no room. too full.
Then mom and bruce got up and talked about both of their parents, as all four of them are deceased. Bruce had been our wingman while my grandmother was ailing and still living on her own.. he talked about how he had tea with her every wednesday and how he bought all the birthday cards and addressed them for her to send to the grandkids, and how when Florence called him up and said "bruce, can you keep your big mouth shut?" it meant she was in trouble and that he knew he would be calling my mom as soon as he hung up with her. My grandmother would have been so happy to see them get married, I know it, and listening to them talk about her... how she died 4 years ago yesterday, I cried a little.
I still miss her, even though we were never supremely close, she was my grandmother and she should have been there. c'est la vie...
after the reception the family all drove out to Dalmeny to my aunt and uncle's place to get drunk proper ( the Godden way...scotch or drambuie) but I passed out on the couch from exhaustion by 11. hey, I pulled a B!

basically, the wedding was great. I'm so fucking glad its over. yesterday I was absolutely exhausted, mentally, emotionally, and physically after dealing with my mother and the staff at the museum and all the strangers. If you ever get asked to be someone's attendant/maid of honour.... seriously ask yourself if you're ready to be the go-to person for everyone and their dog for every little issue. They should be bothering you, not the bride, which sucks, but thats what you're there for! I even had kleenex tucked into my cleavage for when she started crying on the platform exchanging their vows. oiy. 


Saskatoon is great though.... the horizon is endless.
every time i'm out here all I want to do is jump out of the car and start running as far as I can go. I probably would only make it like 100 metres before I stopped and wanted to be picked up, but it would be so worth it to just be able to go and not have anything in my way.
Thats why I love the prairies.... you can see for miles in every direction. in the daytime its nothing but the bluest of blue skies and huge rolling clouds, and at night there is about 3 billion stars above your head on a black velvet backdrop. impossible to take pictures of though...
watching a storm out here is also fantastic. you can see the angry clouds rolling in  far before it hits, and the lightning is breathtaking. farther north you can see the greens and purples of the northern lights.... amazing. just amazing.
I could never live out here... I'd go nuts having to drive everywhere unless I had a horse. which is very probably because everyone has gorgeous horses on their farms. but i would love to come escape here for 2 weeks every year... but without my mother. after 3 days I can't stand my mother. and bruce's sense of humour is trying everything in his power to annoy me and then saying "pull my finger" and not waiting for me to do it.
seriously, if I ever get to the point where my greatest joy is fart jokes, someone grab a .22 and put me out of my misery!

pictures to follow once i upload from my mom's camera.
love

Tommorrow will be newhomefreeland's final kegger ever. I'm pretty sure everyone is approaching this with mixed emotions....
there is the "FUCK YEAH this party will be the bombest there ever was"......and of course the "shit....when is the next time i'll see all these people in the same house again?".....the feelings of sadness that are placated by the realization that it is time to move on.....the thought bomb that maybe we all needed this....or the excitement for something new about to begin. another chapter in the lives of handful of people. The fact is, its not really over per say. RVL is an idea, one that blossomed kind of recklessly and now is slowing down to fill out the underdeveloped bits. this is what makes it absolutely beautiful, because as we all continue to live our lives it will probably be the fondest looked-back-on chunk of memories. Some of us have numerous years of memories to draw from, while others only a couple.... but it doesn't matter because we were here
I know we can't help but stay in contact with eachother. we all need to get away from ourselves too often.

don't be sad. people that make an impact on your life like this make you want to stay in touch. between cell phones and interweb and TTC, we'll all just have to travel a lot more.
embrace the fact that we'll all get off our asses a lot more, and to be sure we fucking need it. Split a bus pass with someone. make some playdates. drop in by surprise. make a phone call to just chat for 5 min. i promise you won't be lonely.
so fuck it, lets party in this house that isn't going to be ours any more, I don't want to see any tears because this is a celebration bitches! we're moving up in the world, or at least along, steph is a quarter of a century old and little E is returning to the C-eh.
now all we need is a kiddie pool.
I'm going to dance up a TORNADO

FUSTRATION

I woke up this morning so aggravated and absolutely frustrated out of my mind from a dream i had. I ranted to tim about it over a cup of coffee, and now i'm djing to an empty (B & tim) house, sort of mellowing out...allow me to back track.
9:30 AM alarm goes off. wake up...fuck it, imma still tired. I busted my butt last night being a sexy commando bitch and then ended up falling into bed and passing out, so i pass out again. 10 AM alarm goes off. fuck it i'm so comfortable and warm and....snonk, out again. when i wake up around 11:15 for the third and final time, as i open my eyes all i can do is open my mouth and let out a long, loud yell slash groan because the dream i was having made me wake up on the edge of my emotions.
So this dream... I'm in my house, I come home and go upstairs only to find this blond chick has laid claim over my room while I was out, and all my stuff is gone. wtf. so where is my room now? the bathroom. toilet is gone, my bed is in the tub, and my rubber ducks are sitting on the mirror pathetically staring back at me. what the shit! so i storm down the stairs to go talk to someone and get this shit straightened out (because not only is my room now the bathroom, where the fuck do we put the toilet?!) so i march into the kitchen only to find that the only person i can confront with my growing rage is someone's GRANDMOTHER sitting at the kitchen table, who is flabbergasted by my upset. well fuck, I can't bitch at an old lady.... so I exit through the back door and make my way down the path to shithaus.
so... apparently shithaus was holding a massive party but i wasn't invited--que another bubble of frustration: not only can I not find my roommates, everyone here is in the best mood ever and drunk. two things that my dream self are absolutely not.
so I go back to my townhouse preparing to kick this blond bitch's ass to the curb and re-claim my room only to discover that one of my roommates is indeed home, and is for some ungodly reason hosting a family gathering out of our flat.
so grandma is joined by aunts and uncles and cheek-pinchers and bratty little kids all up in my space.....and I still don't know where to put the one and only toilet (the downstairs bathroom was a coat room...)
so now my aggravated dream self just wants to smoke a bowl and bitch at someone and can't because of all this strange polite company. so I go next door, but everyone except armourtime is out. I talk to dream armourtime, and all he can say is "dude, I just got back, i have no fucking idea"
my 11:30 ish alarm goes off, punctuated by my own howl and immediate urge to throw things across the room. Good thing pillows aren't breakable.
now i'm on my second cup of coffee and feel a little less pent-up ragey about the whole imaginative ordeal. but what the fuck. its not even as though there was any real life problem going on, and i'm still SO ANGRY.
mom?

Fragmentation

a memoir, if you will, is attached :)
so this weekend a handful of people went up to drew's cottage.... we're assuming that went well, since no one has been able to reach them in the last two days.
I'm now finally un-chipmunked, as the swelling from having my wisdom tooth out is gone. still twinges now and then, but solid food is a green light again!!
everything in my body is sore from working all weekend. my third 6 month review is tomorrow, but i don't give a fuck! i just have to talk about some coffee and taste it with my manager, no biggie...and then sit down and talk about my job. pretty sure I'm doing awesome.
amy says I am chanti, woman of nature and all living things. that would be sweet, if i was like a wood nymph. I had a dream about that today when i napped after work. I had a tree-throne and nothing but strategically-wound vines and leaves for clothes. and pointy(er) ears, with mossy skin. basically how i would picture a dryad (Ref: David Eddings, the Belgariad saga). but i had a totally badass crossbow and throwing knives (of course)... so i could kick the ass of the loggers in my forest. for some reason we had wheelbarrow chariots..... not sure why, but Rabbit from winnie the Pooh was chilling with me the entire time too.
peace out

 Trouble in our Bubble