quack quack

i feel like a duck. waddling and wading through the rain, just happily splashing along, kicking up the water and paying no attention to the shark lurking just behind me, slowly gaining to the tune of minor seconds.

when will the ball drop? i've been expecting it for so long now, its amazing me that it hasn't. five years ago I lost all faith in love between people, between family. I lost that idea of "family"...
but I seem to have found that reincarnated into the people I surround myself with. Each person is this beautiful little flame that i want to add kindling to and blow on and keep everyone piping hot and happily dancing.
but love
i denied it. I cursed it. I crushed it, chased it, buried it, and then thought I had really discovered.. and then realized that I hadn't. I realized it could change.

Now that I know how it can change... i understand my parents even more.
and I fear for the worst every day.

I want to just be free and awknowledge this amazing...THING.. for what it is, but I choke on it, I don't want to be the only one. I know you don't so how could I... I just don't see how you'll ever settle for me, when you could have anyone.

I don't understand how other people can be so sure of themselves...its not fair.
I WANT that. I WANT to be in it and delerious... but I'm afraid I'll lose myself... or lose you.

Why can't I get over this, its so stupid.

why do I crave your love so bad when I choke on giving it to you

ducks can drown in water