oh yeah....

My brother came home to Ottawa today from afghanistan. woo :)

Worked last night 5-10... I guess technically I could have gone out after since i didn't feel like crap.. but... well, I only found out about dance party plans because Becky Grimman came into my store for coffee beforehand and was all "oh shiiiite im going out to dance tonight with cheese & steph and people!!"  which kinda made my night a little worse, but i just didn't care enough to get worked up about it. so people have plans together that don't involve me. oh well. go cry about it chantelle.

sometimes I wonder if I its just life that creates the whirlwind that separates me from everyone else or if its just me, building up intangible walls around myself to cope with things as they get sucked into my cyclone, which happen to also block me out from the people I love.

I don't know where my mind is right now.

I'm trying to scrabble to regain some ground after this stomach thing that knocked me on my back for 3 days... I've started my laundry and did dishes finally...

This is the first Superbowl in years that i'm not sitting somewhere watching the TV and drinking beer feeling slightly socially awkward. I'm kind of glad Brendan already had plans to go to Tom's and have a guys night superbowl thing... that way I a) don't have to go b) who am I kidding i would have loved to sit around and be a dude for a night...

I miss being just one of the guys....especially because my "guys" have all moved away. even my "guy" girls have moved elsewhere.... Sarah is really my only friend thats around a lot, we talk as soon as we get home & just explain our whole days to eachother in a venty mess of "i-just-have-to-get-this-out-its-meaningless" while we smoke bowls.

i miss sitting on the couch, smoking myself into oblivion while I watched everyone else interact at newhomefreeland, watching their conquests and antics and escapades... I felt like I began to stop watching and got in on the action, briefly, fleetingly...

fleetingly

I keep trying to make plans with amy and end up having to break them...so its my own fault. just like how I make plans to make plans with steph and shera...but never do. Its a habit I have, of pulling back when I'm not sure if the waters are warm enough. I've done it my whole life... hang on the outside edge of friendships because I'm never sure if they're really...real? I sabotage my own relationships by second guessing them... but I cant be entirely making it up in my head, can I? of course I can, my brain makes up feelings of anxiety and delusion and fear all the time without rational reason.  but I feel like sometimes I'm just a convenient playmate....who then, just as conveniently, lets herself fade to sand in the box with the rest of the toys. 


this is kind of stupid, but i feel my blog is the place for my stupidity sometimes.okay, all the time. I'm a pretty stupid person a lot of the time.

Its totally inconsequential, but i feel like B's house loves amy more than me...but only because no one ever asks me when i'm coming around next...but whatever. jealousy makes you die early. I hate being jealous. i feel it a lot and push it away because I know its a useless emotion.
I have so many useless emotions... feelings of inadequacy, feelings of drowning and being forgotten.  sometimes I feel like i'm entirely alone, drifting on a little leaf & twig boat... while everyone else is surfing & chasing whales.


Why does my brain make me see things like ulterior motives and people talking behind my back? I KNOW these people and they're not like that.
then why do I feel so out of place when I walk into the kitchen at B's and all conversation stops between him and his housemates?
why am I out of place enough to get forgotten about in the basement for a night? I'm sure someone, somewhere thinks painting in solitude is fun... its not for me! that night was terrible.. I came over to spend it with B and ended up being alone, painting while he cooked and hung out with james and erin and armour upstairs. NOT what i wanted to happen. why couldnt they all have come down? or why couldnt he have told me were werent eating in the dining room so that I could paint up there, around everyone?
whatever.. i should be so lucky he's at least remembering to tell me things about his life now, right.
and how come no one ever cares when I come over anymore? B doesnt even get up or look at the door or anything when he knows im coming over.  logically, it should be a good thing... like everyone is comfortable enough that i'm not a guest, im part of things.... but it doesnt feel like it. it feel like im an outsider, as usual.

outsider.
you know, i guess that term applies to me really well. I was an outsider in school because I wasn't in practicum. now i'm an outsider because i'm in practicum but came out of nowhere and no one knows who i am. now i'm an  outsider because  because because because because

I need to stop.
I'm thinking myself into holes.
B's forgotten me again, amongst his busy schedule..but i don't complain because he probably hasn't, i just feel that way.
I wish someone else knew what it was like to have to second-guess all of your feelings & reactions to things.
no one seems to get it, so they don't know what to say, and therefore don't say anything at all.
so now i feel like a ghost