waiting in Calgary Airport YYC.

So, this has been a while.

Blyth has been great, so far... minus a minor detail of learning to live with another person. you actually see their habits... their standard of hygiene, for example. I've watched B shower about once a week for a month now and am thoroughly disgusted with how much he starts to smell down south after about 3 days. *shudder*

but anyway.. we'll pretend I didn't say that, though i really had to get it off my chest haha. ugh. ok so I found out about 2 weeks ago that my Grandpa has cancer. they don't know what kind, because its sort of everywhere. about 7 or 8 different tumors in various parts of his body, and his 5th rib on the left side has been completely eaten away by the largest tumor.
Being the only grandfather I have ever known, and having not been able to see Grandma Godden before she passed away from pancreatic cancer 5 years ago, there was no question that I was spending the money that I don't really have to get my ass out to Campbell River to see my Grandpa before it was too late and I regretted something else in my life.
$870 later, I am now on the return leg of my journey, waiting the layover time in the Calgary airport and wondering how jet lagged i'm going to be tomorrow (today) for work. Also, all that I want right now is a shower and a fresh pair of undies. TMI? maybe, but if you knew how bad I think I smell right now... holy moly. I even bought baby powder and scented hand cream to try and do myself, if not everyone else, a favour.  I don't know why, I showered this morning, but I guess I sweated all day in the heat and I'm on my rag so I just feel gross as hell and bloated. its probably just my imagination.


I don't know how I feel right now. Grandpa Laurent is 84 years old... and is an old farmer to the bone. having dealt with life and death all his life, he feels he has lived a good, full life & figures if its his time, its his time. My dad said to me, he can only hope he is half as dignified and brave as Laurent when its his time to die.
The worst part... is there's nothing the doctors can do. except try and make him comfortable. Which isnt too easy. I didnt know the half of it before coming out... but he has been wasting away. he's lost so much weight. He barely eats, about every other day a few cherries and half a banana... an Ensure meal replacement drink... a mouthful or two of gatorade. He just can't stomach it, too much acid and no releif as the morpheine and the other 8billion pills he's on make him constipated. The nurses come to the house 3 times a week... and he shakes. and sweats. and then other times is so cold he looks blue and is wearing 3 layers in the summer heat.
Its been particularly hard on my dad and my auntie Lynda... they can't bear to see him try and do things the way he always has and not succeed. he fell today, just lost his balance out of nowhere. a 6 ft tall old man goes down REALLY fast too... i couldnt even catch him.


we're all trying to be strong about it, because he is being strong about it. it just means ive been trying not to cry.
Brendan and Leigh are picking me up at the airport this morning... I know already the first thing im going to do is burst into tears.




I love you Granddad... I love every piece of wood you have ever touched and made into art. I know you wish you still could, but you would just hurt yourself, without the energy. I took pictures of you and dad in your woodshop so I can always remember you in your element.


i miss you already