Wooooahhh Nelly

I have been tres busy. um.. WE GOT THE APARTMENT! we pick up our keys a the end of this month :) and then.. PAINTING PARTY! everyone should come for fun times and painting.

um... yeah..

I'm in a funk again. again. when am I not?  what the fuck though brain, really. I can't believe here I am again, upset and feeling worthless about the same damn shit. again. every time I freak out... then we talk and make progress and then WOOSH off I go again. Like really, can I just take all of this hormonal retardedness and pass it to one of you guys? I don't have TIME to want to bone all the time. I should sleep, and do my homework, and pack, and put paperwork together for this show. instead, all I can think about is how badly i just want to FEEL things. its not even the orgasm part, I really couldn't care abotu that! I just want to feel his body on my body and hands on my and lips exploring because I know that I'm super stressed out and if I could just feel that I'd feel so much better. Or hell, if I could just feel anything right now hey that'd be great. This is so personal, but i've really hit the shit bucket on this one. I can't even pleasure myself anymore, because it feels like nothing, so energyless. theres no reaction to the action anymore, you know? I've been trying... actually rather a lot, and it never gets me anywhere but frustrated with myself. its like i just drift off in thought in my head and can't be bothered. but then im still all worked up. Which is why a certain Brendan actually wanting to do things to me would be really super fucking welcome.
But, im afraid, now that he loves me, he doesnt want me. he loves me the way i am he says, thats including the ginormous never-satisfied libido. but what the fuck, if he loves it, why doesnt he take advantage of it? or at least act on some of the bajillion and seven opportunities that I see when we're together.
I actually found myself contemplating today how it would be to have the equivalent of a fuck butler on the side. which honestly is not what i want.. I want HIS touch, specifically. but i feel so desperate half the time that I'd take what I could get, from anyone. if i was a desperate housewife I  suppose about now is when I'd seduce the pool boy in the backyard... but I don't have a pool. nor am I a wife. so why am I sticking around for this shit?


because theres so much more between us that I love.. and frankly I love him no matter what he does, which drives me crazy, because i LOATHE that he still smokes.

he smokes, and doesnt put out. but he cooks for me and is truly a sweetheart, can always make me laugh.
he just doesn't make me feel sexy.
or desireable.
maybe I should slip him viagra. I wouldn't actually do that... but its funny to think about. viagra-filled cupcakes. 
I noticed today even my customers at work don't find me attractive anymore... goodbye long hair, goodbye eye candy I guess.