hello goodbye hello goodbye and Chrometophobia

while I am excited as shit for possibly being able to graduate after only one more year at York.... I'm also frightened because I'm barely making ends meet right now working part time. what happens when I'm working part time and doing crew? i know it doesn't help that my work only gave me 4 hours this week... but its also partly because I book days off to do things.... like go see brendan... and get groceries.... and homework done....
this brings me to another thought. does that mean I'm going to have to live here, at romfield, until I'm finished? I sure as hell hope not. I lovemy roommates but I hate them at the same time, because this house is just always clutter....people walk in, drop shit where they stand and then fuck off again. I am guilty of this too... but at least I drop it in my corner of art stuff... or in my room... i don't know. I'm just as bad as all of them, I'm terrible with changing my cats' litter all the time. if they didn't remind me, i'd forget entirely. probably because its in the basement...
but like.. augh.
staying at B's spoils me. with its library and dining room and basement living room....and CLEAN WASHROOMS.....
the kitchen just makes me wet every time i walk in... counter space, everywhere.... clean wood floor....and rarely dishes in the sink.
then I come home and i'm like "yay, home........*open front door*....oh.....ewwww..."

I think neighbours with a yappy dog just moved in next door. fuck me.

I hate posters on the walls. I don't mind the paintings and pictures, but the posters with their frayed edges and wrinkles and "own it on dvd" kill me.... I don't want to live in a dorm anymore.
I guess when all my posters were stolen along with my car after 1st year, I really let it go. It was a cleansing moment for me, for all that it sucked. my video games, skateboard, posters, computer games...a lot of just THINGS left and I just decided that i would never get them back and be done with it.  I decorated my room at my dad's with a few paintings and dried flowers. 
my room here is mostly just writing on the walls and postcards from people/places.... and pictures of people.
I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. I want a HOUSE. with style. and homeyness without the insane clutter, bits of paper and shit on the ground, no writhing monsters of tangled cords and wires because people can't put their video games away...no cushions on the floor or stuffed behind the couch--they are meant to lean on! to squish into!... i want decor. and matching sofas. and a non-broken arm chair. and for christ's sake, a fucking bathroom that doesn't have mildew an mold ALL OVER IT.
I'm honestly scared i'm going to ingest/breathe it in one of these days and just keel over in the shower and die and no one will notice until my dead toe plugs the drain and water starts running down the hallway.....

my muscles hurt all over.
Brendan hasn't given me a massage in months because his hands are too sore he says. so i've stopped giving him massages. he used to like it, now i think i just hurt him when i work on his knots, so screw it. but I wish when I asked he'd be happy to do it... i wish i didn't have to ask, really.
its just so hard because my muscles are so tight and sore that I need someone to really rub them out.... not like pitter-patter on my skin. i hate light massages.. they're like teasing.
but yeah.. so i'm sore all over, and won't complain to B because he's been working like mad... and is probably just as sore...
I've been putting off calling companies to book a driver's test and brush up lesson because i've been too busy, but i'd better before new years otherwise i have to take the whole graduated licensing system all over again...
My cat, sam, really needs to go see a vet. like.. its getting bad. but I don't have one, nor do I have a car, nor do I have the money for said vet care....
I've also put off calling my neurologist... the B12 scared me by makign my pee yellow-green ALL THE TIME, so i stopped taking it... but hooray for migraines... so i guess I had better start taking it again... fack.
fack feckity fuck.

I just want a magical fairy to come and help me out, but they don't exist so I've got to suck it up, stop blogging, feed myself and do my god damned homework...and maybe make some phone calls.

at least my new cell phone came... although its costing me more than i thought because "Harry" didnt' give me a reference number, and therefore i didn't get that $20 rebate he promised. I don't want to say anything... because I know we're in the same boat... but Bren did break my other phone, i wish he'd help out a little.. but now i feel like a bitch just for writing that, because i never want money from  anyone.



I honestly have a money phobia. I have since I was a kid. it makes me awkward and anxious. when I am at the cash register to pay for something, my heart races and mouth dries and my hands shake like nuts. talkng about how expensive something will be or is makes me feel sick.
My parents used to tell my brother and I the exact situation of their bank account and debt and stuff.... I know they did it so we wouldn't ask for things we couldn't have (it probably killed them to say no), and so that we understood WHY we couldn't go to McDonalds... but it really freaked me out.
I've been saving since I was small, same bank account, and have barely anything to show for it.
I was too afraid to buy stock with starbucks in the summer...
I am too afraid to buy myself new shoes. and way too petrified to buy anything for myself out of pleasure. I've put off buying weed for weeks now.. except a dime from armourtime. (yay rhymed) because as much as i like it.. i'm getting scared. 
money disgusts me... I wish I could just trade massages or hugs or paintings or sketches or tailoring for a year for things that I need. I'll barter you with cookies for vegetables...

I want a house, but how i'm ever going to afford living anywhere other than here, i don't honestly know.
i wish lotteries weren't rigged.

just can't shake it

can't friggen stand this
wish i could block this person out of my life, they are making me anxious for having to deal with them.

Retreat

So I came up to Brendan's on thursday night fully expecting to come home on friday, but it seems I haven't made it there yet... and seeing as its almost 10 30 at night, i think i'm staying. I'm preobably going to stay tommorrow night too... I know I made a tiger lily costume, but I also have just enough clothes on to pull of a cow-girl, which is awesome because I'm still a western lily at heart. 
its not that I don't want to go home so much as i'm just enjoying being out of north york, away from campus, and not having to work this weekend.
although this week's paycheque of a whopping 4.0 hours is going to suck, I'm theoretically getting work done. I already finished one reading response tonight and a drawing for my research project of brendan's torso. I had him pose like Bernini's statue of David. he whined a lot, but I know its an awkward pose to hold for too long so i let him break a lot. I love his dining room for the amount of control I have over the lighting. I think I might just get everyone to come here to roxborough for me to draw them. it would be swell if I could get lots done this weekend, because it really doesn't take more than 15 min a pose.

B won't be home until some time after midnight, midnight-30 so we'll see if I get any work done or just sleep.  I got my new cell phone in the mail, but I'm pissed because I didn't end up getting the $20 rebate the dude promised me because he told me to ask for him by name ('Harry') and didn't give me a reference number. and the lady on the phone was a bitch, clearly, because I told her about it and she didn't even try to do anything, just told me she didn't know a "harry" in her department. grrrr....

so.. I have to pay out more money right now... and I just spent $75 on getting my boots refurbished....plus I havn't gotten groceries in a week or two, i've mostly just picked up some things here and there, ate on campus, or whatever, you know? gah.... so much for being healthy. I ate a lot of peanut butter and jam toast this week.
I have these stupid tender red marks on my face that won't go away even after using this cream i bought from shoppers that the cosmetic lady swore by.... its irritating me that I have red splotches on my face.. they're in my laugh lines, and they get itchy, sometimes sore...
I really shouldn't sleep here as often as I do... nothing against B's place, because clearly I love it more than my own house, but I always break out after sleeping over... probably just from his sheets or pillows or whatever.. not that they're super gross.. just slept in, you know? bah.
I also feel the need to disclose to someone that I loathe wearing dirty undies, and totally forgot to bring extra pairs in case I stayed over more than 1 night, and its super uncomfortable and making me whine right now.
too much information? hahaa,, i don't care, its bugging me so I'm blowing off steam. look at me go. I ate a whole package of tea biscuits today. at least they were made with flax and blueberries...Armour, Erin (birkenbergs) and I had a super high cookie party today. chocolate chip, oreos and the tea biscuits. and then ordered swiss chalet for dinner... whatever, dont' look at me like that.
I figure even if I don't feel particularly sexy these days at least I can eat for flavour.
but seriously? most of the time I feel like the girl next door to everyone in the world. i know tis ridiculous, because I know I have some good features. I've been told in the past I have nice legs and a nice back and eyes or whatever.. but I just haven't been feeling it as a whole entity lately. something's lacking, and I don't know what.

yesterday steph stopped by our house on her way out and holy moly, the estrogen between me her and sarah felt great. I feel for her, dealing with frustrating people and unacceptable situations, which is why sarah and I totally encouraged her to vent to us. I think we just all needed a moment of empathy... aka estrogen-therapy.
today both steph and I fell asleep instead of getting together as planned, haha.... so typical of us! we are snoozy ladies.... plus I think the weather is just affecting my energy levels right now. I'm tired and grumpy even though I've slept lots.
I really have nothign else left to say, but it feels good to put this constant narrative chatter onto a hard copy, out of my head.
B's been working crazy every day for Can-cab at the young centre.. so he doesn't have much time to be around. I've been doing the commute these last couple weeks....because I know if I don't we wouldn't see eachother. which is why i brought my homework along... because the entire day he's gone. then we sleep together... wake up together... and then he's gone. but at least its some kind of reconnect....
even when it works out better for him..
last night Alida came home and told me the sweetest thing that B had said at work when asked if he wanted to stay out for a beer with people... he said ok... but that he didn't want to stay too long because I was down at the house. and someone said that that was okay because they were there... and Brendan apparently got this really cute look and said "but its not my chantibear.." which is friggen adorable, and i love alida for telling me.
I just try to be a good girlfriend, around school and work and my life...I just try to make sure he's happy and that i'm happy (aka we get face time together) and I think of him often and if i see something that reminds me of him, i get it, or when i come over i'll bring ingredients for french toast or bacon or something because i know he probably hasn't gotten groceries either recently. I just try and think ahead and do things that I know he will apreciate. and then the rest of the time i just am, and hope he's down with it because thats what i is, right?
sometimes I get scared that we will have nothing to talk about..... because sometimes we don't. but i think that's ok, it just means we're talked out or comfortable...
I just hope what I give will one day come back to me, without having to ask for it. I hate having to ask for things.

weekend dreamfest

saturday night I dreamt I was in a large mall and I went up to this counter to join the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan club, but they wouldn't let me because I was over 12. so I lied and said I wanted to sign my daughter up and they were like "well, where is your daughter?" and I said I lost her and went to look for her. meanwhile aparently my mother came up to them searching for me. and THEN i was on this crazy hunt through the mall to find this little girl that was my supposed daughter... who was to be found no where.. I crawled through kids' playplaces and everything to try and find her but no dice. FINALLY i find this little 3 year old that is mine and she's running around naked like a hooligan (atta girl).....then I wake up.
damn TMNT fan club.... I was a part of one when I was a kid, like for reals. I got a bandana and club card and a poster on my birthday and everything lol.

Sunday night, last night, I dreamt that I was in some kind of secondary school that looked strangely like the Accolade east building.... and I was trying to find my shoes. not just any shoes... my little white roman sandals. so I was searching this school for my shoes and I got tired of carrying my two backpacks.. so I put them both down... when I came back for them because I found one sandal, then one backpack was missing. Gah! So the hunt for the backpack and other shoe was on... for some reason this guy i dated in highschool, Aaron, was helping me search, and so were his friends and his scary ex-girlfriend jenn. we find the backpack in the room that all the "special ed" students are eating lunch.. but still no shoe.
we go to exit the building to find the other sandal but SURPRISE a pop quiz on.....pedicures and skin care? so there I am giving this massive football player dude, Mike, a pedicure.....but trying to cut corners so I can finish and go find my god damned shoe. The class got disrupted when a football hit the window and the teacher went to yell, so I ducked and rolled (ha) out of the room into the courtyard with aaron and jenn and we ran past the football team to head to the orchard (i don't know why) and TA DA there my other shoe was just chillin in the grass of the orchard.
then i woke up.

I wish someone would analyze my dreams for me and tell me what i'm subconciously thinking haha, that would be pretty nifty. some day I will be rich enough to buy a ridiculous encyclopedia of dreams and analyze them myself.

I miss aitch and shera and drew and steph and kyro and fisty and flu and amy.... someone get on that teleportation device, STAT!

a dream

Last night I had a dream.....i don't remember much of it before some sort of situation where everyone was moving out, just as they did in real life.. except that It was more of a bug-out....everyone took what they could carry and ran. then, to help them out I ran in when I saw that the enemy had left it unlocked. I scrambled around, scooping up some things... the house was like nothing had ever happened, completely newhomefreeland but covered in dust and rubble (who knows) and dirt. I made it up into a bedroom...the stairs were knocked out halfway through the middle for some reason so I had to scrabble along the side and railing. It didn't look like it, but in the dream I knew I was in drew's room... but for some reason it was filled completely with all these little boxes... crates and wooden chests and things of varying sizes... and there were all these granite and crystal and marble sculptures and stones all over a desk, so I was trying to fill some boxes with the crystals but I had this sense of terror.. like I had to go, NOW.... and I heard noises in the hallway and freaked out, and ended up crawling up into the attic part of the house and hiding up there. when I came down, everything was gone except for all the variously sized boxes and the mysterious rubble and smoke. as I ran for the exit with my loot, the house was starting to steadily fall down around me....

I don't remember any more of it, but I thought It was neat.

coodle.....doodle....damn.

i will not let trivial things bring me down. I will not give in to the season. I will not let trivial things bring me down. i will not give in to the season. I will not let trivial things bring me down, I will not give in to the season. I will not let trivial things bring me down, I will not give in to the season. I will not let trivial things bring me down, I will not give in to the season....


Kravis and I had a chat late last night before bed when I got home from B's..... about how we've both been in unpredictable, inconsolable moods that we can't quite explain.
I'm absolutely blessed by my friends but I'm still becoming a little laodicean, despondent and pretty unable to show a cheerful face 90% of the time...
I just have nothing to say, so I sink into my head as usual, only its all too visible in my eyes these days. around B, i don't ever like putting on a face, but I feel like i'm bringing him down with me....he said so the other day "something's always wrong with chanti". I've been having bad magraines the last couple of days...and back pain.. and you name it, whatever. 

 my little black clouds are migrating out of my control and raging their storm on other people's parades....

this might be the start of recluse season. I can't ever explain whats wrong, and while i appreciate the consideration... hearing "what's wrong" gets tedious when you can't give an answer, eccept maybe a noise.

If i start giving animal noises as resposes, you now know why....

over and over and over and over and over like a monkey with a miniature cymbal.

i will get off my ass and do what i have to do.. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my computer and do what I have to do. I will get off my computer and do what I have to do. I will get off my computer and ass and do what I have to do. I will do what I have to do. I will do what I have to do. I will do what I have to do. I will do what I have to do. I will do what I have to do. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to.


trying out an exercise in repetition a la CBC radio 1 suggestion....


I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow mysef to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I WILL allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself o feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow yself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to love. I allow myself to love. I allow myself to love. I allow myself to love. I allow myself to love.


I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will not allow my experiences in life to bring me down. I will not allow my experiences in life to bring me down. I will not allow my PAST experiences in my life to bring me down NOW. I will not allow my past experiences in life to bring me down now. I will not allow my past experiences in life to bring me down now. I will not allow my past experiences in life to bring me down now. I will not allow my past experiences in life to bring me down now. I will not allow my past experiences in life to bring me down now. I will not allow my past experiences to bring me down.


I will try harder to find the smile in a situation. I will try harder to find a smile in the situation. I will try harder to find the smile in a situation. I will try harder to find the smile in a situation. I will try harder to find the smile in a situation. I will try harder to find the smile. I will try harder to find the smile. I will try harder to find the smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to find the smile when I feel sick. I will try ahrder to find the smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to find the smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to find the smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to smile when I feel sick I will try harder to smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel.
I will try harder to smile when I don't feel. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel. I will try harder to smile when I dont feel. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel.
I will try harder to smile when i don't feel anything.
I will try harder to smile when I don't feel anything.
I will smile when I don't feel anything, because I'm sick of bringing you down with me.


you've got to get better, its all in your head.
these months they don't matter, its the days I can't take
when the hours move to minutes
and i'm seconds away

wedding pics

These are the first pictures available from the photographer from the wedding. mostly so andrew could have something to take with him to Kandahar this upcoming wednesday.  To the left is me, my mom, and brother, and above is andrew and his wife Emily.

the boys in the photograph

whew! I've been on the go since 10 AM yesterday... classes, frustratingly drew drapery with david rayfield.... then i was met outside my culture of cities class by a dapper-looking young man who on second glance appeared to be Brendan, hehe...

I had exactly 45 min to shower, get dressed, and make myself presentable before we hopped the TTC to meet up with armourtime and peoples outside the Royal Alexandra to get our tickets. I LOVE just about any excuse to get dressed up.... I pulled out my favouritest red(more like wine...) dress ever and put the new heels to the test. to further suit the occasion, i pulled out my long evening coat and tiny russian-inspired stole. Kat told me I looked like i was from Anastasia..... hilarious, since there's not a drop of soviet blood in me. The play certainly spoke to my irish roots, I felt myself beingbbbbbb nnnnnnnnnnnb bv   stirred by the sounds of the irish melodies

Sam walked across my computer while I was just enraptured watching Lawrence of Arabia....its a beautiful film, really. stupid cat.

anyway, andrew lloyd weber sounds like he's getting old... but i enjoyed myself. I won't get into a full-out ctritique, because i think we all talked it to death last night, but I would like to mention that I really enjoyed the choeographed footie championship game dance number.  (invisible ball) and I laughed pretty hard at some things. especially Jeff Giles' "NO TOUCHING!" line in the prison scene. pure Arrested Development channeling right there.

dinner was delicious, but it was kinda ridiculously priced. I know its good business thinking, but I hate that they charged so much just because people will pay it due to their proximity to the theatre. stupid stupidness!

the old woman at the next table over in the restaurant leaned forwards to her dinner partner and goes "i wish my boobs still looked like that!"

tommorrow B leaves for ottawa--i can finally get some homework done!! and lunch with the in-laws and my brother and his wife. I'm making him dinner tonight so he doesn't have to dine out again. least I can do after the food last night. and also, I think I'm just as good of a cook, so there!

this is amazing, lawrence of arabia has a fully orchestrated "Intermission" in the middle of the movie. its been black screen playing epic music for the last 5 minutes now.

Reading week. No babies week. homework and awkward family week. blerghhh.

your hair is such a mess

somehow i've started considering showers a luxury. meaning if i have time to have a shower, its a god damned luxury! time is fleeting... i want to slow it down. just for a little while so i can fully appreciate like 4 or 5 hours with my roommates or 3 hours of drawing or the 2 hours of cleaning time i crammed in before class this morning.
I've slowly been cleaning and re-designing my art table/creative space. mostly i'm trying to give myself more surfaces.... and I cleaned a square out of art supplies, put them in my new (inheritedfrom ex roommate jeff) organizer drawers and unpacked a box of VHS tapes to the now vacated square. woot! i emptied a box! and I moved shit around! and threw out some more shit!
it feels so good to be slowly cleaning.. though i wish i could have a day and just git'er all done.. though i know it won't actually happen.
B is coming over tonight. the house has been busy because Matty's best friend Leyland has been up visiting for the past few days. I'm not sure how long he is staying, but its been fun times. armour tim and jonny b were all also at my house last night when i walked in from class. that was sweet I like hugs from people i havn't hugged in a long time.

I'm in my Culture of Cities class right now, and its pretty interesting but i feel like i'm re-visiting some highschool lectures from one Mr. Roddy. come to think of it, my Prof Lewis Code looks kind of like Mr. Roddy but less white-haired, and he seems to sweat less--or at least hide it better. and he doesn't keep his phone in the cupboard.

I need to paint things. I have projects that i need to finsih... that i want to get done ASAP for class so that i can fuck off and just paint some stuff. like my room. and this table. and the smoke-the-table that i rescued from next door's backyard junk pile and am going to paint and turn into a smoke cupboard-table instead. (the series of tubes and coffee can contraption on the inside is broken into pieces and I'm now too picky to smoke out of tin or plastic. im a glass-only girl.
speaking of which, matty bough bong cleaner. Phantom is see-through again. :D

I realized that the other day when i started crying and felt weird and vertigo-y all day it was because i had THOUGHT i had taken my pill, but really i had put it down to feed the cats and then didn't take it. so... of all the things that could have happened, a bit of vertigo and some rapid-cycling moodswings was pretty decent of a reaction.
no dry heaving and sweating like a furnace this time, anyway.

my head really hurts... i kinda stopped taking vitamin B2 (riboflavin) 3 times daily liek i'm supposed to. it kept weirding me out because my pee turned SO yellow. and the vitamin tablets stained my hands yellow too.no matter how much water and liquid i drank it was just fucking day-glo yellow, like flu's hi-lighter shirt that makes aitch sneeze.

Shera and I tried to cut sam's claws.... but it did not go so well with just the two of us. I hate it when sam starts to make herself choke and wheeze on purpose becasue she knows we can't stand it. but at least cleo's nails are done. :) good cleo. she just sits there and takes it. I walked into my room this morning and the cat was literally face-down face planted into my mattress, garfield style.

video time... this Lewis Mumford guy is so boring, it kills me. theres like classic opening music too...makes me want popcorn.
this documentary is a cars vs people take on the city. whether or not cars are logical and the best way to get around, or if public transit.

pedestrians all the way...
the other morning B walked me to the subway and i got to witness several outbursts at various drivers and cars from him, quite entertaining. I thought about it and i agreed completely, every single car had ONE person in it. it was stupid. but i think if he had kept it up we might have gotten beaten up haha.
I wasn't embarassed though. actually I liked being the spectacle on the street for once.
whenever i do something like that, in my life, people have ALWAYS told me to shut up and stop making a scene because "everyone was looking" or whatever.
fuck that!
I want them to look at me :)
and if you want to cause a scene, ill walk with you so they can look at me because they're looking at you looking at me being with you. :)

headache......video too loud.... grrrrrr....