whhhelllllll

Today is hump-day. hopefully, that means that this is the start of a better week than the last one i've had.

I'm pretty much exhausted from thinking and feeling and sick of my entire life except for my friends, family, and B.

i cant find another store to transfer to anywhere it seems...I chatted with an old friend yesterday at work, Jordan, who used to work there with me, and he suggested maybe it was the secure job that was holding me back. maybe I need to just leave starbucks altogether, even though its got great perks and a higher-than-starting min wage and stock... and go for a job at a bar or club or something, especially if all my free time is going to be post 10 PM next year.

second, I can't find an apartment... everything is more than sarah and I can afford... and B keeps telling me that I just need to expand my price range... but how can you expand your price range if you don't have money to expand it with? so... I'm really getting depressed about this situation. I contacted all these renting companies that i found in searches for places under  $900 a month and they all got back to me saying that a 2 bedroom apartment is more than this stupid shitty townhouse a month. ugh. i should have expected it, really, its just a bummer.
B said he'd love to have me move in with him... but I have two cats that can't.
so.. i guess......does anyone want 2 old, well-loved family cats? thats the problem, is they're family to me. They're really all I have left of that initial "family" idea of my parents and brother all living together and being happy. I mean its kind of unhappy that my parents split and i got sandwiched with the cats in the aftermath, but they have just always BEEN THERE.
these cats have mewed and purred away more tears and panic attacks than I can even remember, growing up and even now. Sam might be a huge bitch in her old age, but she still looks after me in her own way. she still greets me at the door every time!

so yea.... anyone want 2 cats that i can come visit a lot? heh... yeah right...

as for work.. well... i can't find a transfer location, but im also still getting in shit for not working enough because of my availability.. so i gave them a new one... more hours... because I need the money really badly. I made $200 in the last 2 weeks. fucking BRUTAL.

I lost my wonderful furry hat on the Viva yesterday. oh it made me cry. it was so stupid too... I tried to run after the bus... ugh and then i couldn't find a lost and found number for the Viva at all. only automated machines. I ended up spilling my heart out to my manager and co-workers about eeeeeverything in life right now because it just seemed riiculous. but I felt better after I talked about it with other people... it was kind of good.

almost not sick now too! all weekend I slept and played civilization and did homework from brendan's bed, in a Benilyn All-in-one induced stupor. James and Erin and Armour entertained me in the evenings though, it was good. I slept a loooooot. which felt deviously good too, even if I felt guilty for ignoring homework.
I claim I needed it.

but I came back home to dirty dishes and overflowing recycling and garbages and everything else and it just pissed me off again.
so sarah and I tackled the house... and wrangled up tim and went to value village and the metro. successful trip. spent too much money... but Ive felt like SHIT for the last month so I picked up a couple cheap things that made me happy... like a long flowy skirt....and coveralls to wear in the plaster studio...which is really more like a denim catsuit....but its slightly too big so it fits over my clothes. and i bought $40 worth of food...which for some reason i feel bad about? i shouldn't.. but i do... I spend a lot of money on food. Its depressing, because you need to eat. fie.


Poor B.... I told him i was in a funk and that it wasn't him and not to worry, but he does anyway. On sunday we had a pow wow in bed in the morning just talking about things...i felt good, venting, and it frustrated him not being able to do anything. he kept telling me to just tell him something, anything he could do to make it better or make me smile.. and I told him there was nothing I could tell him because I wouldn't ever want him to do anything he didn't just want to do by himself. which frustrated the hell out of him... but its true.. but he got upset that I wasn't smiling. and when you just dont feel like it, you just dont friggen feel like it. He likes to tell me there's nothing wrong with me. but I try to remind him that i have a small mental problem and its not his fault or issue and that i just need to deal with it... but he refuses to beleive that there's anything wrong with me, he says i am just like everyone else, if not better for it. which is sweet... but hard.
he didn't want to leave to the room to go make coffee because I "looked like if he left i was going to kill myself". really? really? I kicked his butt out of the room to go make coffee in a tone that said he was a frigging idiot and smiled for him so he'd chill.
then i went in the shower...where i knew he wouldn't go because he has some issue about showering with me. and sat down in the tub & cried my little heart out under the water.  Really? he thinks im going to kill myself over this trivial stuff? clearly he does think i have some kind of problem after all. it really hurt, because thoughts like that.... well, they're so long ago that I don't even think about it anymore. When I was 16 or 17 I definitely had suicidal thoughts and  cut myself and went to the hospital for it, and I've come a long fucking way from there. i've worked HARD. I might rapid cycle throughout the year between manic and lows but its been a long fucking time.. years now.. since I was so low that those thoughts even occured to me. I look at my scars these days and smile because they are almost gone. you cant see them on my legs anymore, and on my arms only in the right light or when I tan. and I am PROUD to be far away from there. it hurt that he could think I am that instable, that volatile, or that i care that little for him and my life.  I have things to live for, that i want to do, and see, and i respect everyone in my life much too much to even dream about inflicting pain on them by offing myself.  so I cried underwater.
It felt like home, because I used to do that when i was upset and didn't want my parents to hear. I started to feel better...actually did some showering business... but then i felt worse... so i cried some more...and B snuck up on me. which shocked me, because every time i've ever asked him to join me in the shower he refuses. sexily or not. but there i am, crying into the tiles of the wall when his arms snake around me and pulled me in to him, under the water again. i can't even begin to describe that feeling... triumph? releif? i don't know, but it made it better. he appologized for being so mean. I hurried up the rest of my shower and got out first to let him do his thing... im no idiot, it mustve taken him feeling really bad to actually get in there with me. least i could do is make as un awkward as possible, right? and it wasn't awkward at all.  but i'm glad it happened. (finally!)
 see why i'm exhausted?
well... I need to go shower... call a store to talk to a manager... and call my mom.


hey, life, wanna start not sucking again soon? thanks. love, chanti.