uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so that was christmas.... being up here in Ottawa

has been really good.... until last night...which was christmas night...
i don't even know what to say. had dinner with emily's family christmas eve..played trivial pursuit 90's and cranium.... then breakfast there christmas morning. they opened their presents and stockings (i got kinder surprises in my stocking :)) and watched the hangover....

the plan was to then go to B's for christmas dinner and to stay there for the night...celebrate his birthday in the morning...and then his dad would come to pick us up in the afternoon to go out to his place, in Arnprior... but that didn't exactly,er, happen....

long story short, B's mom doesn't like me. even though I was nothing but respectful and helped out with christmas dinner and washed all the dishes after and everything... she said some very mean, hurtful things to Brendan that he won't tell me.... which I can only imagine, and its not hard to figure out what she said from the general gist of conversation during the day....
She seems to think that Brendan isn't going anywhere with his life...putting down his work and the fact that he didn't finish school...then she asked all kinds of questions about my schooling and life and plans and things.. and basically i'm not good enough for her baby boy who isn't good enough for her.
fucking hell...
So..she said all this to Brendan and more and when he came back downstairs... honestly i have never seen B so angry. he was just shaking everywhere... he called his dad and asked if he could pick us up in the morning and then if we could stay sunday as well because "we are not staying here ever again" (at his mom's)... so when we get back on monday morning he's just going to come chill at emily's will be until we go to the train station...
it was a huge snotfest on a niagra falls scale...and i called emily to come pick me up last night instead of staying over... I just could not stay in his mother's house, with her so clearly hating me, and he didn't want to stay either but it was his birthday in the morning and couldn't do that to her...
I really wish he'd tell me what she said...probably that I'm a fucking stoner loser artsy fartsy deadbeat who's going nowhere fast and will never amount to anything,who's dragging him down and isn't good enough for him, isn't smart enough, won't have a good career, and probably that i'm a whore and whatever else....

She asked when, or if, i was going to graduate, because brendan didn't and I told her politely that I was due to graduate next june, but that a lot of people in our field don't graduate because they end up getting good full time work... and she cut in that brendan' doensn't work full time. I said that he got a lot of calls. and she said yes, by working very hard he got "gigs" "moving around furniture and things"... and i told her it was more than that, basically just being a part of makings hows happen. that you don't need a degree these days for what we do, its if you have the talent and the passion for it... and she said in her opinion you didn't get a good job without a degree... and i said in that vein, for a "good" job, you need three degrees and that it wasn't reasonable. she didn't say anything else for a while. But fuck, i'm not going to sit there while she bashes what brendan loves to do.. which is make plays. he doesn't care what it is he's doing, as long as he's making them happen. and shit, bitch, how  can you not see that your son is made HAPPY by what he loves and is doing what he loves? that should be good enough for her, but it isnt. he isn't good enough in her eyes, and neither am I, and i am really mad.
some people just don't GET it... there is a difference between being rich and being happy. I would rather be happy in my life and relationships than richer than everyone else. I consider myself rich in friendships and rich in the love that i get to share with everyone all the time...
I'm putting myself through school because my parents can't afford it, and i've worked my butt off to get into a program people said i wasn't cut out for, i'm supporting myself and i'm enjoying it. it has its moments, but i'm enjoying it.
stupid fucking people.... life isn't just about getting a degree and a desk job that pays you a salary.
its about living and enjoying it and frankly, i don't think his mother is anyone to judge. a) she seems bitter and kind of unhappy. b) she couldn't even manage to have a happy relationship with brendan's father, so how can she tell B i'm not good enough, when he's grinning from ear-to-ear at me all the time? more like she's jealous that he gets along with me and not her... jeeze.
of course i don't actually KNOW any of this.. this is just me venting about a horrible situation that shouldn't have happened on christmas.
My sister-in-law picked me up and we pulled into the empty parking lot ( i have never seen a closed mcdonalds before) and cried for half an hour. Me because i had been trying really hard not to bawl in the house, and her because she had sped to brendan's imagining the worst (that he had broken up with me on christmas and she wanted to punch him) and thinking that my brother was going to kill her when he got home...and then she decided she was never having kids because she didn't want to have to get that "um...can you please come get me" phone call from her daughter EVER.
sister bonding, i guess? we ate cookies and I vented and then she made me laugh again and we went home. Brendan gave me all the pot. so when we got back i smoked the hugest bowl to my face and passed out.

I had nightmares...but the crazy cats chased them away in the morning. oiy.

So now its B's birthday... and he loved the ring and card :) and i'm waiting for him and his dad to come get me... and i'm hoping he's ok because last night he was a wreck.

p.s. his mother had the audacity to say she couldn't beleive he sent me home "just because of that"....
Woman? you are either crazy or not taking your medication. holy crap.

I've never had someone's mom not like me before!.... parents usually love me!.. jeeze... yeah....

choo-choo

I am most definitely on the train to Ottawa right now....SO hungry.... but they're having a problem with their satellite signal, so all WI-FI is complementary right now. WOOT! fucking woot!  basically I'm getting to surf the interwebs while moving... this never happens!

I just spent the weekend at my Dad's, and boy was that good. yeah! things aren't so difficult these days... I only had to do damage control once this time, and thats when showing wedding pictures from Andrew & Em's, and my dad saw that my mom was there.  he figured she was invited and not him... yikes... no, she kinda invited herself, to be honest. that's how that one happened... oiyvey.

But it really was good... Sharon clucked over my hair when she found out a) i forgot my brush, and b) hadn't had it trimmed or cut in almost a year. She also insisted that I couldn't go out with wet hair and therefore sat me down, and played with it before we ran errands. I love having people play with my hair....well, she had an appointment scheduled already at Cavalier, the salon attached to her work, Marquis, so she called and booked me a trim...wheee....now my hair feels pretty, and I have bangs again :) hoorah!
Sharon is an amazing chef..... and baker... she baked up a storm for christmas. Rocky Road: marshmallows on top of Chex cereal all coated with fudge sauce and then drizzled with more chocolate... Pistachio Toffee Bark: Graham Cracker crust, toffee, chocolate, sprinkled with pistachios.... Rum cinnamin caramel popcorn (self explanitory)... Chocolate-dipped marshmallows drizzled with white chocolate...
I could go on, but wouldn't want to expose all her secret recipes hehehe...
moral of the story is YUM
I think Lil E and my stepmom would get along great!
of course I got sent home with LOTS mwahahaha... time to get fat after christmas.
I also sewed 6 bread-warming bags... the bottoms are filled with flax seeds, you put them in the microwave or oven for a few minutes and then put your loaf of bread inside, and it keeps it warm all through dinner. pretty cool, if you ask me! However, a pain in the kester to sew the bottoms on.... grrrr... but it was fun.
I slept beside a fireplace all weekend... and got to give lots of loving to the dogs.

Now I'm on a train headed to Ottawa (free WIFI) munching chips... AMAZING chips... ones that I have recently discovered. the President's Choice Greek feta, olive, & oregano flavour. NUMMY! salty but cheesy, hell yeah.

I have forgotten my cell phone in T-dot...this should be good for me. a week without a mobile in my pocket. It's just going to be hella difficult to contact B to meet up in Ottawa... shit. ah well, I'm sure we'll manage. I enjoy putting out telepathy to the test hahaha....

I got leighann's christmas card today! thanks honey! and last week amy gave me her FANTASTIC kiss-filled card. I hear Lil E's package arrived at the boys' manor, but none of us are there to enjoy it yet, so it awaits us on the 28th :) AND SO WILL SHE!!!
mew.
i have to pee pretty bad... I think I'll pack up all my shtuff and attempt to make my way to the back of the car...

wish me luck ;)

oh p.s. ITS ALMOST FRIGGEN CHRISTMAS!!!

I am SO fucking Angry...

I am seething. furious. absolutely enraged right now.  I can't even think because i'm too busy biting my lips so hard so I won't freak out on Kravis right now.
I come downstairs this morning to make myself a tea.... no, you know what I'll start form the beginning.

Yesterday I came home from Amy's (art party!) and was unpleasantly surprised by the fact that no one had cleaned up anything-- we have a girl coming tonight to look at the room.
So... what else is new, right? no one cleans.
I buckled down and gave this place an overhaul. I vaccumed, I wiped, I swept and swiffered, I dusted the ceiling fan and de-cob-webbed every ceiling and corner. I de-cluttered the living room, I sat down and de-tangled every video game controller, every wire, I dusted and put away every single game that wasn't in its case. I don't even PLAY the video games.
I threw out garbage from every room of the house. I scrubbed toilets and did dishes and basically worked until I felt dizzy because i'm fucking SICK. Sarah came home when I was almost done and helped out.. but besides that... no one. nothing. nadda.

So, whatever, ok, maybe we're the only ones that were not at work or actually care... but I get up this morning and come downstairs to make myself a cup of tea because I've had the worst sleep ever, coughing up a yak...

Only to find the living room is totalled... garbage and dishes strewn around, and when I go into the kitchen I see all my hard work--gone.
there is a fine white powdery dust coating EVERYTHING. the coffee station, the counters, the floor, the tables, the stove, on top of the kettle, the butter, the bread, EVERYTHING is covered in a white powder.

I freaked. I went down and asked Kravis what the hell happened.. he said he didn't know. and then... then he comes upstairs and tells me its Fire Extinguisher.
yeah.'
fire extinguisher.
I asked if there was a fire.. he says no.. I asked what the hell happened.. he says he just told me. vo;aefhiog;pehryLAIUGQQQQ
his friend, Thomas, tells me that Kravis got drunk and pulled the pin on the fire extinguisher and sprayed it everywhere.
..........................
so basically he drank a 26er of Vodka and trashed the house.

he told me he couldn't talk to me because I was hostile. NO SHIT SHERLOCK i fucking slaved over this house yesterday with no help and he, the one moving out, goes and does that?
.....

whatever.
he's cleaning it. he and his friend are scrubbing everything down now removing fire extinguisher dust.
He'd better replace the extinguisher... I bought that like 2 years ago.. like $35 i didn't have but an extinguisher is TRES IMPORTANT. and its one-time-use no matter how much he keeps telling me he thinks it'll still work.

I'm so not happy.
I just want a god-damned tea. my throat is raw. i leave today for my dad's for the weekend, and won't be here to facilitate the new roommate screening....

Also we found out yesterday from Derek that he's leaving. so much for 2 months notice.more like 2 weeks.
so.. now we need ANOTHER roommate... or rent goes up. and we already advertised at $275.... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck.


I just want to scream at how disrespectful people are.

I miss Brendan.... he called me from Ottawa last night, it was really nice... I can't wait until monday when im GONE on vacation.


AUGH.

tick tick tick

so almost done... so almost done... just gotta write some more about upper canada rebellion and then touch on the jubilee riots and the orange rebellion and the megacity protests... and im DONE LIKE DINNER!

levitate right to my place I know you wanna go

Can't I just have a secret sex slave in the attic or something? I promise to feed and water it and walk it EVERY DAY.

So, I'm still here... B left for Ottawa today, Im in his room because our house's furnace broke and marilyn gave us like 3 space heaters or something. COLD.
Um.....steph's housewarming was pretty awesome. Brendan was asleep practically by the time I got back downtown from my place... but I brought a pizza, so we ate and then ended up napping a little. I had to drag him out of bed pretty much... and he was like the walking sleep-monster all the way to lansdowne station. walking sleep-monster who was grumpy because he was out of cigarettes. fuck.

Wore my awesome boob dress.... felt like hot shit all night, even if B never appreciates, everyone else did :) thanks guys lol.
I finally, FINALLY fiiiiiinally got laid....which of course only leaves me wanting more more more more more.
I hate my brain when I'm trying to write an essay and all it can do it think about sexy naughty dirty things.

Can I get a libido lobotomy?
or I'll continue to lobby for that sex slave.....must be comfortable in leather...

hopeless

i am just mad that I don't feel sexy anymore because of someone else.


I am a sexy fox.... i know it, everyone else knows it... i just don't feel it at all or even see it these days. I just feel like shit because no matter what I do, say, wear, or don't do, say, or wear... I get nowhere.


I tested, I can still make men's (& womens'....) eyes' fall out of their heads and turn faces.... just not the eyes or face of the man i've fallen in love with.


fuck my life?


its snowing. hard. it took extra long to get home tonight from work. so windy and cold....
I hate everything right now... its like...i am a small fiery stormcloud.

this dragon's been simmering, I hope I can put it out and make some steam before i char everything to peices....

i am that girl that i hate....

I shouldn't even be complaining right now...
what girl doesn't want to hear, or at least wouldn't be thrilled that their boyfriend enjoys just spending time with them, having them around, discovering new things, joking around, or just sharing a meal together? apparently me... because even though I'm a pretty lucky gal, all I can think about is "what am i doing or not doing or what is wrong with me that he doesnt want to have copious amounts of great sex with me?"I know right... i need to just shut up and go sit in a corner for a while....

I know its stupid, but when i dress up nice how come i never get a reaction except for everyone else in the room who isn't supposed to want to sleep with me? I mentioned as much, and said it was nice to know i still got it, but i didnt really say anything.

Ugh. It is two days after I was really really sick, and now being at my work, with the obnoxious christmas carols playing ad the smell of coffee everywhere, I want to barf again. seriosuly... i thought i felt sick because i hadn't eaten... turns out now that ive eaten i feel sicker.

Im not even feeling sexy these days, In fact i feel like a hideous three-horned 5-eyed orange and purple beast compared to the fox i usually feel I am. I just am not feeling it. but I'd like to. I'd like to be put in the mood, y'know? bet you anything now im not gonna feel like it ever and suddenly he'll want to have sex. fuck my life,

fuck chantelle you always find something to complain about, you're so predictably awful.

magic Bag? no, magic B.

Food poisoning or a flu Bug or something.... whatever it was, it hit me like a sack of potatos yesterday morning. I woke up at 9 AM feeling fine...by 10:30 I was in the bathroom hailing the porcelain gods. HAILING. just when I'd think i was ok to get up and move to the bed again.... WOOMPH ("bitch, get back down there" says the stomach...)
it was so gross. I got scared because last time something like that happened, I was in high school and had to be rushed to the emergency because i lost so much fluid so fast. I was dehydrated and my blood pressure was 70 over 30, and was on IV for like 10 hours the day before halloween.
so I messaged B and Sarah... neither of which was around, so I just huddled in the shower and "let it happen". gross, but probably the best i could do. B called me when he got the message and declared he was coming up straight away.. i tried to say thankyou but vomited instead? im so sexy hahaha. 

eventually sarah came home (noonish) while i was still walled up in the bathroom... and when i made my stumbly naked dash from there to my bed she poked her head in and asked if she could get me anything. bless her,  told her to take my five and grab me a gatorade if she could... she left the $5 and came back with gingerale, apple juice, AND gatorade. AND she covered me in more blankets. my roomate rocks.

I guess I passed out... next thing i know B was there with a "fever strip" to take my temp and heated up my magic bag because I was shivering and shaking under the pile of covers. I put the magic bag by my feet... and then.. best thingever.... MAGIC B! I was so freezing, he climbed onto the bed behind me and big-spooned me into warmth again. best sicknurse ever. and not the horror film..
basically I slept the day away after spewing out my insides.. it sucked.
I was supposed to spend the entire day working on my project that is due at 2:30 today. FUCK.
but i chose to rest up instead. B made me chicken soup before he helped me get dressed and let himself out.. i passed out again until about 8 AM this morning.
Im pretty sure my mom called in between that time though.. and im pretty sure i talked to her.. i just can't remember about what haah.... oh dear.

basically.. now i'm chatting to Dr. Nick on facebook and procrastinating with this blog.. but i had to SPEAK.sick days mean seeing no one. except sarah and B, thankgods for them. If it hadn't been for their care, I'd still be spewing upstairs and not attempting this project.

p.s. he loves me <3

Happy Birthday Lil E!!

birthday hugs are boppin from me to you right now. I'm stuck in a theatre house managing a show, while everyone else goes to brendan and armour's housewarming, and you are stuck in the V-jay..... which sucks major brass balls, but at least we can long-distance commiserate together :)

Did I mention I love you?

shake shake shake senora...

work it all the time...

So... life is wonderfully hectic. Little Erin's Birthday is tommorrow... LOVE to my little E.
speaking of love, ignore my former postage about the lack of. its quite wonderful.... just because.

saw New York, I love you at the Cumberland with B on sunday night... and last friday night we saw parfumerie... Im spoiled by this boy.

I love it.... and.. well... he needs to quit smoking or im going to scream. but like nothing can make him quit unless he wants to quit. he's going to have to deal with seeing other people smoking at parties and things, and its gonna suck. he's going to have to grieve,  but like I had to get my Ventalin refilled this morning... because sleeping at B's I can't breathe anymore.
no air is no good.
went to the doctor's this morning...got a refill, got the ventalin, got a cream for my face, got a Hep A vaccination which i am keeping in the fridge at the pharmacy until i am able to pop into the doctor's and get it again. I didn't want to deal with the shot this morning though i might get it tonight after my front of house training.
Drawing starts in 15 min. working with powdered graphite today apparently... yay? then skipping culture of cities lecture for training and because I didn't finish my essay.
I just managed to scan and send an email to my prof about an extension on my Essay as it is.
this is the first time i've had to use my academic accomodation ALL YEAR.
I have to do paperwork for my acting group for monday... and I have to finish all of my Final designs by monday.
Brendan might come over tonight... whee!
tommorrow night im working this show at York called CP Salon until 10 pm... then brendan's house warming after...then friggen work 5-11 sat. meh. no biggie...
I just have a lot of work to do... i don't know when this is going to all happen!

I'm trying not to freak out...
My show was lastnight and i managed to hold it together, thanks to B. Dress rehearsal was horrible, and therefore the show was destined to be a success....it was. :D
wormholed after... and B helped me carry all of my props home thankfully... there was so much! I really enjoyed the other groups... Roshdale especially, but I wish my show had been of that caliber. They had all the "acting" people in their group..to be unfair.

mew.

we're talking about babies and pregnancy and fuck my ovaries are just like... squeezing and clenching and saying "SOW ME WITH SEEDS SOW ME SOW ME SOW ME"

farmer brendan hasn't been aroudn lately anyway though so like i really have to worry about babies.


I honestly practically begged all day yesterday to fuck. i feel like such a loser!