cotton-eyed joe

So yesterday sarah james & amy helped me carry my bags downstairs and we played some extreme tetris... we managed to fit a bike and about 5 bags in, plus me and james. thank god for his car, the back seat folded down!

After an uneventful, but awesome car ride out to blyth.... here I am, finally.
Farmland. lots of dogs, barns, kids on bikes... trees so green like you wouldn't beleive.

I feel at home already, its pretty fucking fantastic. The house is huuuuuuuuuuge. I will take pictures, I promise. I have to.. its kind of a quaint ranch-like house. Mud room, back room, 2 bedrooms, dining room with fireplace, kitchen, living room, large back deck and front porch, and a sweet 5' ceiling cold cellar underground. I went exploring, and in between the exposed beams and the foundation of the house, I found 2 old antique bug spray pump thingers... like made out of glass and metal.  dusty as hell though, for sure. and I found a china plate. its entirely unfinished down there.. pretty cold and buggy but it doesnt bother me at all, I'm just so happy to be here.

being with B again is also fucking amazing. I can tell already its going to be a good summer. I was worried, but there's totally enough room to have space to ourselves. and, today we decorated the house, got groceries, and ate a delicious (local produce! asparagus tastes so good its almost sweet...mmm) meal.  and then went for a bike ride... the entire town almost. its THAT small, its friggen unbelievable. It reminds me a lot of Campbell River, BC... or Arnprior, ON.

now we're both playing computer games and listening to the radio. life is pretty sweet with nothing to do today.

I can't wait to start work on Monday. I toured the shop with B briefly when no one else was there, it took all my nerves away :)

i miss those damn cats already damnit!

going to shoot these cats....

not much to say about ottawa... my parents suprised us all. they shook hands on friday. they chatted. at the wedding, they voluntarily sat together and the four of them all talked. when they left, my dad gave my mom a hug, and my mom gave my stepmom a hug. my eyes just about bugged right out of my skull, i'm sure.

it was a great party, anyway! camping out was fun too. so sore though. my back and thighs are just aching.

Island today was great, amy and sarah and i had a picnic & tanned naked on the clothing optional beach. hells yes.

so my G test is tomorrow morning at 10. I just went to crawl into my bed, which i have been looking forwards to, to rest my aching back and legs.. and.. BAM. something is wet. not just wet, but cat-pee-smelly.
yup. some feline piss basket strikes again.

so its the couch for me tonight. Im so sick of this, laundering allll my bedding costs so much money in the machines in my building. but if i dont want it to smell.. i have to. and fucking hell, why dont they pee on anyone else's bed?  Sarah wants us to move the litter into my washroom again... but FUCK that, they seem to think the litter box is my bed already, and moving it closer is not happening. im supposed to leave my door open all summer for them to just pee as they like? no one will be in there to notice if it happens, as I never notice until im abotu to crash lovingly into it. FUCK

i love my cats, i do, but i fucking hate spraying. I am dousing this bed in fucking vinegar ASAP tomorrow.

after i get up go to the ATM for cash and have my drivers test tomorrow. and bake cookies with shera.

theree... this kind of helped diffuse the anger i am feeling... im not such a tightly wound coil now. still pissed off though; I woke amy up just to tell her, because i dont think its fair that they rain on only my parade every damn time.

stupid cats!!!!
theres this stuff i need called SCOE10X that you can only buy in the states but it removes EVERY odour,  EVERYTHING. and stain. blammo. hey leighan, wanna ship me a bottle? lol

TWLOHA

I have to tell myself this every day. constantly battling, constantly worrying, constantly upset.

You matter very much.

i hope you know you're not the only one who feels the way you feel. You are not the only one who struggles. You are not the only one with questions. You are not crazy. You deserve to be heard, to be known. You deserve love.

You deserve love.

You deserve a place that feels like home. You deserve some hands to hold. Hands to pull you past the broken moments, hands to catch you when you fall. Eyes to see you. To say you're there, that you exist, that you change a room, that your presence is significant. Ears to hear you - hear your stories, hear you laugh. Ears to hear your questions and to say they matter.

Your questions matter.

Maybe call a friend today or invite someone to coffee. Tell someone they matter or tell someone you could use a conversation. Write a letter or ask someone how they're doing. Like a song too much. Feel the drums or get lost in the chorus. It means that you're alive.

It's good that you're alive. Who else could play your part?

i hope you get to a place, wake to a day, where that feels true. You deserve to know it's true.

To Write Love on Her Arms is a community of people with questions and struggles. It is for broken people and it is led by broken people. Life is heavy and light. Life is both. Beauty and pain, aches and dreams... We are saying that it's okay to talk about those things. We are saying that we need to. We are choosing to believe that stories deserve better endings. That hope is real, that help is real, that people need other people.

You are not alone today. You matter very much.

to Clyde

I am supremely lucky you are so forgiving.
i know words don't ever suffice, which is ok because 
I am speechless that you are still waiting for me with open arms
only two weeks.

love,
 Bonnie

ssssssssssssugar.

B can't make it to the wedding...too much $ for two days of travel and 1 day of event, which i totally supported him in deciding, because its a lot of money and time for something not even his family. '

It just sucks so much because I really could have used him there as moral support, since I'm playing buffer between my mom and my dad at the dinner at emily's parent's place on friday and throughout the weekend.
This is the first time the two of them will be in the same room in four years, when they divorced.
which, for brendan, isnt a big deal. "if it makes you feel any better, my parents haven't been together my whole life & they manage just fine"
well, its different. they had a relationship of varying quality for 22 years, through many shit storms and crises and good times, and then finally they both fucking blew up, and haven't talked to one another except through lawyers since.
this is not going to be so peachy.
if you can call the relationship between B's parents healthy... if anything, my experience there this christmas with his mom and dad together freaks me out even more.
He just doesnt get that this is so BIG to me. like. a) first child's wedding for our stupid little family. wedding for the second youngest cousin on my dad's side.  b) first contact post-divorce c) now i have to go STAG to my brother's wedding. stag! what the bloody fuck, when I asked him a year ago if he'd be my date.

nick even offered to still go, but i told him months back that I had someone else as a date.

maybe I should take him up on that...

fuck
at least Carter & jess button say I can sleep in the "single" ladies tent with them... so I don't have to bear my mother's suggestions to stay with the geriatric squad at the hotel.
fuck.

I wouldnt be so frustrated if he'd just sound more appologetic and promise to make it up to me.
instead he's just like "I can' do it... i tried... but i can't." and because I'm a wonderful, understanding person (girlfriend) I said its ok, and that it makes total rational sense, because it does that its too far, for too much.
but irrationally, I'm hurt by him not being there with me, to meet my family & in-laws and just fucking BE THERE as my boyfriend and best friend and support.
even though i SAY its cool, obviously it fucking isnt. but there's nothing he can do. so instead i'm just depressed & upset and miserable about my long weekend.

I wish i was going up to Drew's cottage with everyone else...

I'm going to go cry and smoke a bowl and try and calm down... augh

tick tick tick

im hoping this i what you needed, some time & space to genuinely get away. two weeks on your own to build up that feeling that you miss me.
Got my nails done, got drunk, got crunk, got fucked up, painted pictures & made salad & had a party. I love my ladies <3

I just hope whatever confinement you were feeling is gone now. maybe itll rekindle your desire for me in your bed. or not...i suppose..

 im so tired.. 11 am i think i'll go back tobed. sleeping the days away, in protest to how unsexy I feel. cramps kicking my ass, & unflatteringly bloated & retaining water. ugh.

i read that the "honeymoon" phase is over. i cried.... I want to be your moon & stars still.

Now for something completely different

I quit Starbucks, my last shift is on sunday (mothers day)
B and I are for sure living together for the summer in a house with the ASM & her golden doodle puppy, Tucker. on Hamilton St. in Blyth.
Blyth is literally about the same size as my hometown. oh boy... I am ready to kick it in the dirt & fields.
Packing list:

Cowboy boots - check
plaid shirts - check
jeans - check
B's poncho- check
scarves - check
BUG SPRAY - super fucking check.
Bug bite cream & saran wrap - also super fucking check.

I'm excited. SO excited actually.
B and I are really good now.. after much discussion & tears.
I can't wait until he leaves, oddly enough... because it will be 2-3 weeks before we see eachother, and I think that will be amazing for our relationship, to renew that "omg I need to see you" since we've been sleeping in the same bed every night for the last 2-3 weeks practically, minus my big-girl break when i was mad lol.

Mike & Subi's Stag & Doe was awesome, might I add. It was nice to be able to have fun, talk to different people, etc and then go home with someone. I would just like to thank my lucky stars once again that i realized I was getting fenced in by nick. picket fencing.

B and I are happy enough just being partners in crime. Marriage? psffhh... both of us have seen what that does to people....especially our parents! fuck that (for now) I want to just live life and enjoy. :)

We've built eachother a home in our hearts and thats all we need, just the two of us.

For my birthday....

I will take hugs, food, pot, your presence or that link

always waiting on you

baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

thats what I feel like right now. I've been so productive... booked my G road test for may 26th... did my laundry....including all the blankets and sheets and mattress cover some cat peed on. I sprayed the bed with apple cider vinegar so the cats will (hoepfully) leave it alone.

Yesterday the roomies and I went to IKEA, bought a bookshelf.. a 6 foot tall mammoth fucking 80 Lb bookshelf that I muscled home... and some other things for the house.. like a pedal garbage can, a bag bin for under the sink, drawer organizers, magnetic knife rack etc.. good day. long day. I finally have almost finished putting away my clothes. I've been living out of suitcases for the past week and a half, it hasnt been kosher to my sanity. Or the cats, for that matter. they are wigging out still from the move, trying to mark everything as it comes out of boxes before Amy's cat max does.
there has been many a stand-off in the hallways, or between couch wings. friggen cats. love em.

This time, I wont take it. how do you not know what "make love" means. its just different. tender, completely focused on one another... i don't know how to explain it, but I've definitely had it before. I can tell you what it isnt. Its not "oh im horny, i just want to get off" and its not a romp around the room for fun. I mean it is fun.. but its also special. you're special. special to me, and I just want to make you feel this way. but at every turn, you block my advances. First it was that you were tired all the time. then it was that you just aren't horny a lot. you don't respond to kisses on your neck or ears.. you push my hands away when they wander. you don't like to be tickled lightly. so I changed tactics, I tried scratching you with my nails, telling you dirty stories, sending you naughty messages and pictures. or flat-out telling you that I needed you right there, right then...because hinting does zero good...which also didn't have any of the desired effects on you.
How can I enjoy myself and have fun with you if you won't let me play? You ALWAYS move away, cover up, or whine about whatever it is I try.
which screams to me, "don't touch me!!" so I didnt. I held my hands and bit my lips and even stopped trying to, somehow, send you psychological signals. I let another month go by, waiting.
what am I greeted with?
pretty much nothing. the rare occasion you have had sex with me, you always pull me on top, and whine when I want to switch things up. or I get woken up to you having fun with yourself, and your plaintive moaning for me to touch you or suck you, and really? I'm fed up. Even the morning after our blowup, you asked for a blowie.
Wanna know the last time you went down on me? about 5 months ago. maybe. I can't remember, because its been so long. how about the last time you just needed me, needed to posess me and have me naked right away?....now that I really cannot recollect.
because it never happens.
I am unsatisfied. I am left to pleasure myself with what little arousal I retain after experiencing treatment that makes me want to cry  and scream and demand an explanation... which I don't... I just keep trying to talk about it... it keeps landing on deaf ears, and I keep waiting.
you're darn right you owe me a long talk and explanation. and I'll wait until you can give me the undivided attention. but I sure as hell am not coming over until we talk.
do you know that I am struggling to retain my self-confidence because of this? Like... I am a confident woman. but its hard to be confident when your own boyfriend won't have sex with you. no matter how alluring or cute you look. no matter how much you flaunt yourself to him privately, and no matter how much you attempt to cover up so maybe, just maybe, he'll miss seeing you naked and want you.....a committed, serious relationship without sex just doesnt make sense to me.
so maybe you think of sex as a bodily function. that doesnt mean it can't be a pasttime...and it doesnt mean you can't enjoy it. Oh wait.. no, apparently it does mean you can't enjoy it because after all sex with the same person more than once is boring, right? thats what you said when I asked why we used to then, if you don't enjoy it so much. because it was new, you said. what, like uncharted territory?
I feel that you've laid your claim on this celestial being only to divert your technologies elsewhere and leave it, covered in the dust and dirt of time, lonely and forlorn because other stars are getting attention.
have I painted a clear enough picture? maybe this time you will get it. I've stuck around for a year now so obviously I want to make this work. but every damn time, you try and show appreciation in other ways.. which is great and all, but I love you no matter what you do for me, I just want you to want me. 
I will do anything, really. if its spice you need, just ask or tell me. but I'd be surprised, since you won't go for any of my ideas.
To put it bluntly, a healthy sex life in a monogamous relationship should be, in my opinion, 2-5 times a week and preferrably a lot fucking more. god, just sex me up steadily for a bit and maybe i'll get sick of it and then you can have all the non-existent-sex you want.
I no longer feel like a sex fiend from the lack of your attentions, I feel like a failure. all my arsenal of womanly charms have fucking failed or blown up in my face. you love me? SHOW me by listening to what I've been trying to tell you.
I'm not going to be here forever if this doesnt get better. Its not change, its adaptation. In a relationship, each partner needs to bend towards the other person to meet in the middle, and I'm ready to snap in two from trying to reach you.

holy sea of cardboard batman

in the new house. new apartment that is. first time living in a high-rise... not sure how I like it yet. my gut instinct is to shriek and loathe the close proximity and lack of air/light/green... but the truth is, we have SO much light facing south and west. and a large amount of air through the balcony if we want it... and we have a plant ledge happening. We have a mini daffodil plant, a strawberry plant, cat grass, Aloe and a barely surviving herb of some kind.

most, if not all, need re-potting into something with a bigger reservoir & more soil/nutrients.

I love gardening... I want to do it all the time. the smell of DIRT really gets me. that fresh, earthy, mossy smell. in spring when its just a little damp or dewey in the morning.
I especially love the feeling of the dirt ad grass and moss under my toes. its rather exciting.

Unpacking is going at a snail's pace... the cats are behaving badly, sam's new home is the kitchen cupboard, and cleo has claimed my windowsill. Amy's cat Max is just about everywhere. he's probably like "what is with these old bitches!?" poor kitten.

I am struggling to finish school. its just not happening with the move and telling my work that my availability was "open"....not a smart choice for getting thigns done, but a smart choice for getting a paycheque...

family was amazing at helping me pack (shera & B), loading and unloading (tim,drew,B, & Steph)(twice). a special thankyou to Steph for making my bed before I crashed on moving day. that was SUCH a comfort. love you <3

as fer the rest of you, I can't wait to have you over to the new place! once we sort-of clear some pathways we'll get to unpacking and then we'll have a Family Dinner! loves it.

hey pen pals, Remember:
Apartment 807.
145 Marlee Ave
Toronto, ON
M6B 3H3
CANADA

p.s. fingers still crossed about blythe.. i had an interview last week!