coodle.....doodle....damn.

i will not let trivial things bring me down. I will not give in to the season. I will not let trivial things bring me down. i will not give in to the season. I will not let trivial things bring me down, I will not give in to the season. I will not let trivial things bring me down, I will not give in to the season. I will not let trivial things bring me down, I will not give in to the season....


Kravis and I had a chat late last night before bed when I got home from B's..... about how we've both been in unpredictable, inconsolable moods that we can't quite explain.
I'm absolutely blessed by my friends but I'm still becoming a little laodicean, despondent and pretty unable to show a cheerful face 90% of the time...
I just have nothing to say, so I sink into my head as usual, only its all too visible in my eyes these days. around B, i don't ever like putting on a face, but I feel like i'm bringing him down with me....he said so the other day "something's always wrong with chanti". I've been having bad magraines the last couple of days...and back pain.. and you name it, whatever. 

 my little black clouds are migrating out of my control and raging their storm on other people's parades....

this might be the start of recluse season. I can't ever explain whats wrong, and while i appreciate the consideration... hearing "what's wrong" gets tedious when you can't give an answer, eccept maybe a noise.

If i start giving animal noises as resposes, you now know why....

over and over and over and over and over like a monkey with a miniature cymbal.

i will get off my ass and do what i have to do.. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my ass and do what I have to do. I will get off my computer and do what I have to do. I will get off my computer and do what I have to do. I will get off my computer and ass and do what I have to do. I will do what I have to do. I will do what I have to do. I will do what I have to do. I will do what I have to do. I will do what I have to do. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to. I will do what I have to.


trying out an exercise in repetition a la CBC radio 1 suggestion....


I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow mysef to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I will allow myself to feel loved. I WILL allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel loved. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself o feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow yself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to feel love. I allow myself to love. I allow myself to love. I allow myself to love. I allow myself to love. I allow myself to love.


I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will ignore my pain and get over this. I will not allow my experiences in life to bring me down. I will not allow my experiences in life to bring me down. I will not allow my PAST experiences in my life to bring me down NOW. I will not allow my past experiences in life to bring me down now. I will not allow my past experiences in life to bring me down now. I will not allow my past experiences in life to bring me down now. I will not allow my past experiences in life to bring me down now. I will not allow my past experiences in life to bring me down now. I will not allow my past experiences to bring me down.


I will try harder to find the smile in a situation. I will try harder to find a smile in the situation. I will try harder to find the smile in a situation. I will try harder to find the smile in a situation. I will try harder to find the smile in a situation. I will try harder to find the smile. I will try harder to find the smile. I will try harder to find the smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to find the smile when I feel sick. I will try ahrder to find the smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to find the smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to find the smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to smile when I feel sick I will try harder to smile when I feel sick. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel.
I will try harder to smile when I don't feel. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel. I will try harder to smile when I dont feel. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel. I will try harder to smile when I don't feel.
I will try harder to smile when i don't feel anything.
I will try harder to smile when I don't feel anything.
I will smile when I don't feel anything, because I'm sick of bringing you down with me.


you've got to get better, its all in your head.
these months they don't matter, its the days I can't take
when the hours move to minutes
and i'm seconds away

wedding pics

These are the first pictures available from the photographer from the wedding. mostly so andrew could have something to take with him to Kandahar this upcoming wednesday.  To the left is me, my mom, and brother, and above is andrew and his wife Emily.

the boys in the photograph

whew! I've been on the go since 10 AM yesterday... classes, frustratingly drew drapery with david rayfield.... then i was met outside my culture of cities class by a dapper-looking young man who on second glance appeared to be Brendan, hehe...

I had exactly 45 min to shower, get dressed, and make myself presentable before we hopped the TTC to meet up with armourtime and peoples outside the Royal Alexandra to get our tickets. I LOVE just about any excuse to get dressed up.... I pulled out my favouritest red(more like wine...) dress ever and put the new heels to the test. to further suit the occasion, i pulled out my long evening coat and tiny russian-inspired stole. Kat told me I looked like i was from Anastasia..... hilarious, since there's not a drop of soviet blood in me. The play certainly spoke to my irish roots, I felt myself beingbbbbbb nnnnnnnnnnnb bv   stirred by the sounds of the irish melodies

Sam walked across my computer while I was just enraptured watching Lawrence of Arabia....its a beautiful film, really. stupid cat.

anyway, andrew lloyd weber sounds like he's getting old... but i enjoyed myself. I won't get into a full-out ctritique, because i think we all talked it to death last night, but I would like to mention that I really enjoyed the choeographed footie championship game dance number.  (invisible ball) and I laughed pretty hard at some things. especially Jeff Giles' "NO TOUCHING!" line in the prison scene. pure Arrested Development channeling right there.

dinner was delicious, but it was kinda ridiculously priced. I know its good business thinking, but I hate that they charged so much just because people will pay it due to their proximity to the theatre. stupid stupidness!

the old woman at the next table over in the restaurant leaned forwards to her dinner partner and goes "i wish my boobs still looked like that!"

tommorrow B leaves for ottawa--i can finally get some homework done!! and lunch with the in-laws and my brother and his wife. I'm making him dinner tonight so he doesn't have to dine out again. least I can do after the food last night. and also, I think I'm just as good of a cook, so there!

this is amazing, lawrence of arabia has a fully orchestrated "Intermission" in the middle of the movie. its been black screen playing epic music for the last 5 minutes now.

Reading week. No babies week. homework and awkward family week. blerghhh.

your hair is such a mess

somehow i've started considering showers a luxury. meaning if i have time to have a shower, its a god damned luxury! time is fleeting... i want to slow it down. just for a little while so i can fully appreciate like 4 or 5 hours with my roommates or 3 hours of drawing or the 2 hours of cleaning time i crammed in before class this morning.
I've slowly been cleaning and re-designing my art table/creative space. mostly i'm trying to give myself more surfaces.... and I cleaned a square out of art supplies, put them in my new (inheritedfrom ex roommate jeff) organizer drawers and unpacked a box of VHS tapes to the now vacated square. woot! i emptied a box! and I moved shit around! and threw out some more shit!
it feels so good to be slowly cleaning.. though i wish i could have a day and just git'er all done.. though i know it won't actually happen.
B is coming over tonight. the house has been busy because Matty's best friend Leyland has been up visiting for the past few days. I'm not sure how long he is staying, but its been fun times. armour tim and jonny b were all also at my house last night when i walked in from class. that was sweet I like hugs from people i havn't hugged in a long time.

I'm in my Culture of Cities class right now, and its pretty interesting but i feel like i'm re-visiting some highschool lectures from one Mr. Roddy. come to think of it, my Prof Lewis Code looks kind of like Mr. Roddy but less white-haired, and he seems to sweat less--or at least hide it better. and he doesn't keep his phone in the cupboard.

I need to paint things. I have projects that i need to finsih... that i want to get done ASAP for class so that i can fuck off and just paint some stuff. like my room. and this table. and the smoke-the-table that i rescued from next door's backyard junk pile and am going to paint and turn into a smoke cupboard-table instead. (the series of tubes and coffee can contraption on the inside is broken into pieces and I'm now too picky to smoke out of tin or plastic. im a glass-only girl.
speaking of which, matty bough bong cleaner. Phantom is see-through again. :D

I realized that the other day when i started crying and felt weird and vertigo-y all day it was because i had THOUGHT i had taken my pill, but really i had put it down to feed the cats and then didn't take it. so... of all the things that could have happened, a bit of vertigo and some rapid-cycling moodswings was pretty decent of a reaction.
no dry heaving and sweating like a furnace this time, anyway.

my head really hurts... i kinda stopped taking vitamin B2 (riboflavin) 3 times daily liek i'm supposed to. it kept weirding me out because my pee turned SO yellow. and the vitamin tablets stained my hands yellow too.no matter how much water and liquid i drank it was just fucking day-glo yellow, like flu's hi-lighter shirt that makes aitch sneeze.

Shera and I tried to cut sam's claws.... but it did not go so well with just the two of us. I hate it when sam starts to make herself choke and wheeze on purpose becasue she knows we can't stand it. but at least cleo's nails are done. :) good cleo. she just sits there and takes it. I walked into my room this morning and the cat was literally face-down face planted into my mattress, garfield style.

video time... this Lewis Mumford guy is so boring, it kills me. theres like classic opening music too...makes me want popcorn.
this documentary is a cars vs people take on the city. whether or not cars are logical and the best way to get around, or if public transit.

pedestrians all the way...
the other morning B walked me to the subway and i got to witness several outbursts at various drivers and cars from him, quite entertaining. I thought about it and i agreed completely, every single car had ONE person in it. it was stupid. but i think if he had kept it up we might have gotten beaten up haha.
I wasn't embarassed though. actually I liked being the spectacle on the street for once.
whenever i do something like that, in my life, people have ALWAYS told me to shut up and stop making a scene because "everyone was looking" or whatever.
fuck that!
I want them to look at me :)
and if you want to cause a scene, ill walk with you so they can look at me because they're looking at you looking at me being with you. :)

headache......video too loud.... grrrrrr....

where do I start....

I feel like I unknowingly stepped onto one of those moving sidewalks in the airport, only its my life instead.

Everyone around me is so unhappy with their lives... I almost feel guilty being unhappy with my own life, 'cause worse things could clearly happen...

getting better all the time

Yeah, so I know i've been pretty whiney and ranty and all recently, but honestly life is not so bad right now. In fact, I've been really rather surprised with myself when runing into people on campus that I havn't seen for a while. the words "Good! really great, actually" just seem to spill out between my teeth. For me the question "how are you?" has become one of those questions to which i generally respond with my immediate gut feeling or reaction, like how am I at that exact point in time-freeze-go.
It is so rare though that people actually want to hear how you are, as I've realized from years of experience in customer service and people control. "how are you?" is just an automatic response to a hello or another kind of greeting. ritually most people recognize this in daily interactions, and respond with a quick "good, you?" or "pretty good, yourself?" before carrying on with their lives, not waiting for a response.
this bugs me, as i am always genuinely interested in how someone is doing, so I always try to really listen, and therefore always really reply. It is not unusual to hear me complain i guess, because of that, though i hope i'm not a negative nancy all the time.
but anyway, i'm just amazed that my first response is a positive and genuinely happy one. yeah little shitty things happen some days, but underneath it all, stuff is pleasant, and downright enjoyable.
i'm a little weirded out! I shouldn't be, but its been a while since i last remember this being a constant state of emotion. maybe its because i'm taking less medication, or maybe its something i'm doing different, like biking places or who i'm around or something. I don't know, i just hope its not me being manic or hypo-manic and just not picking up on it until after (as usual). I need to make sure not to take on too much, just in case i am in a state of mania and find out all this confidence and organization is gone in a matter of weeks.
note to self: look out for rash decisions, pick up, and hope for chill.

This is what my mom wants to pilot. Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the Herc. 

Also, prepare yourself for pictures.

tuesday night

i managed to get rid of my afternoon shift tommorrow... so I have nothing to do until 6 PM thankfully. My boss booked me for so many more hours this week than i am usually available because of the stupid jewish holiday and every other partner needing the damn day off.
went to a store meeting at "HQ" tonight, aka the North York Civic Centre. bleh... 3 hours of bullshit about our new product of ready-to-brew single packets of coffee. yep, Starbucks is entering the instant coffee market. who cares? not you, my friends, but its okay, if you're lucky you'll get some for free anyway.  Basically we're all supposed to be coffee pushers. anytime! anywhere! blah de blah dee blah! fuckity this shit.

So I got a phone call today from my mother..its way too expensive to fly me down for the thanksgiving weekend.... since it'd be about $550 for three days, two of which i would be in transit. I agree, fucking expensive! But so long story short, I'm not going to saskatchewan for thankgiving. I'm also not going to my dad's? as he and Sharon are supposedly going down to Virginia to visit her family.
hold up, doesn't little E live in Virginia?  Imma try, but I doubt they'd let me tag along.... there probably wouldn't be enough room for the dogs if i came. it would be sweet, even if i was with my dad and sharon.

but so yeah.... I'm not going anywhere for thanksgiving. time to see who else is in my boat! I can't do the pilgrim thing, but i make a pretty good Tiger Lily.

Watching travis kravis and sarah play Smash Bros on the 64....the night, at least, is winding up nicely.  DJ Chanti is trying not to give herself a headache....

I finally picked up an agenda today, so i'm not running around clueless anymore without my cell phone.....

I forget what i wanted to babble about, goodnight

Pressurize

Its not anything against my roommates... I just want to move. Seeing everyone else pack up and move was hard....but now that I see all of their new places, it makes me really happy for them. They're all so clean and bright and full of new energy and opportunities. meanwhile back at the ranch I have people still leaving their empty cigarette packs on my drafting table and empty pop and juice bottles on the floor, dishes on the coffee table, and Xbox controllers lay where they were discarded the night before. I vaccummed, two days later you couldn't tell because there were chips and icing and who knows what sprinkled and ground into the carpet all over again.
Every morning I come downstairs, sigh, and start picking up the cushions from the floor and putting them back on the couches. Is it really so hard to return a place to neutral after you've pissed around in it for a night? it takes 30 seconds to throw out your garbage, wipe off the coffee table and put your games away.
I've resorted to leaving my drafting table covered in junk--my own junk--so that there was no room left for people to leave their dirty dishes and garbage as they pass by. But how am I supposed to use my workspace if im leaving it cluttered to fend of other people's shit?
then theres the towel issue. I seem to be the only one that every washes any towels.... and the only one that uses them more than once. I know this because when I go for a fresh one, they're all gone.....and by gone i mean crumpled on the floor behind the bathroom door. AUGH